is it considered cheating or not

[jonac06]

i recently saw a post on my fiance's fb account. his female coworker wrote "where you at" on his off day around 11 or 12 at night. i asked him who the girl was, and he said just a co-worker and they have a ongoing joke at work asking each other where they are at. i told him him it was flirting and i did not appreciate another woman asking where my fiance was on his off day late at night. he said it wasn't flirting.

but then i got curious and looked at his phone. they have been exchanging text messages for the last month. several of the text messages from her are about asking him when he gets off, they should do something after work, can he come in early to hang out with her, where he's hanging out at...and each time he responded with the times and what he was doing, yes they should hang out. definitely flirting. the last message was about him being out with a friend and she wanted to join, and he told her ok, then he wrote back to her and said change of plans.

i was out with my girlfriends the same night, and had texted him to meet me out, so im not sure if he changed his mind because i texted or he did not want to see her. also, the last text from him to her was asking her what shes doing, and she wrote back "im messed up right now and i dont want to say anything that will get me in trouble." and he wrote back "ok lol"

i know his work schedule and he has not been out late or not coming home, he's acting fine. we dont have any issues. everything is normal, so i dont belive they have hung out yet.

im really confused because is he just being nice, flirting or cheating? i'm not sure what to think at this point. im really hurt and confused by his behavior.

[Dune]

At face value, it sounds like something is boiling beneath the surface and some shit is about to happen..

Would say that the only way to put you at peace is to talk with your partner. Come clean. I would like to give you the peace of mind of a definitive answer, but saying that he's cheating, there is not enough evidence. Saying that he isn't, you do not know for sure.

Answering your question, yes I do think it's flirtatious. Most definitely. Solution: Talk to him.

[jonac06]

I don't want to admit to snooping either especially if there is nothing going on. Somehow I want him to tell me w/o having to fess up that I looked in his phone. Bc he won't trust me either. I feel like he teasing her for his ego. How would I approach him without putting him on the defensive??

[secre]

yes jonac06, it is cheating, when you are in a committed relationship and he receives affection from another woman who 'could' (could) be a potential mate (when i say affection, i mean flirting). it should be only you and him flirting with one another, and he may say when you bring this up 'but you never seem interested in flirting' and this will be him trying to justify his action. if he loves you, he will be willing to sacrifice a flirtateous friendship with another woman to be with you.
stand your ground.
also don't go snooping in your mate's personally belongings, that's not cool. when you do this it breaks the trust you have built already, because if you trusted him you would not go behind his back (or in front of him) to try and catch him in the act.
bring all of these things ot the table, leave nothing hidden, be completely honest with all these feelings, and remember
All anger can be substituted for Understanding.

[girl68]

It is not cheating... yet.

You're going to need to confess there isn't going to be any way you just get him to fess up he's already made it clear he feels he's doing nothing wrong but he's treading dangerous waters...

I say fess up to snooping and work on the issues. Doesn't matter you *think* there isn't any issues, because you're obviously wrong.

[JadenMia]

I agree, this sounds like something is going to happen.. Or a cheating in the making. Quite messed up!

Definitely come clean, tell him the truth about looking at his phone. Honesty is the best policy afterall. One little lie, usually turns into bigger lies and more lies.. Lying just doesnt get you anywhere. Let him fess up once you have asked him about it. Yes, hes probably going to be upset you snooped, its a violation of privacy, but you have a right to be upset too. This really needs to be discussed.

Just bring it up as saying you are feeling a little uneasy about the relationhip between them both, dont come off as nagging or attacking him, this will probably make him angry which you dont need after you snooped his phone. lol Just explain calmly you are wondering if they are hanging out or planning to at least. See what he says, if he lies just say well i saw the texts on your phone etc.. See where the discussion takes you and come back here for more advice. I think this sight is really good from an outsiders opinion. As they are not blinded by their love for the particular person and looking from an outsiders point of view is very helpful to see the real situation.
Best of luck!

[elleda]

WAIT!! DON'T TELL HIM!!!

i have been on both sides of the snooping in cell phone/email. it feels terrible to have to do it, but if you are, you there is a reason why. if you checked and there was no reason to be concerned, you would erase the instance from your memory, don't tell anyone and NEVER do it again!

when i found out my guy snooped my cell phone, it made me furious. i was disgusted by his patheticness and trickery. also, he was right to do it, i was getting sick of him anyway.

i think you should have an honest conversation with him (about your feelings, NOT the snooping!) and see if he fesses up! if he lies, then he must know what he's doing is wrong. you don't need to sully your image by admitting that you snooped, but then you will know that a) he's fine lying to you and b) there's a reason why he felt he had to lie

if he does lie, i suggest you leave him. don't give him a chance to explain. go no contact and see what he does. you are SO right that he should be willing to give up that dumb flirtation for you if he claims to care about you that much!

his behavior is really inappropriate.

I'm so sorry you had to find that out.****ing men.

[IncognitoSir]

Any other thread, somebody would of said, "the trust is gone, you don't trust him and you snooped, without trust you have nothing". Isn't that the issue? Trust.

[HeartIsAching]

Yep, several posters have hit on important pieces.

It's not cheating... YET. However, he's well on his way to it, whether he knows it or not.

You did snoop, and that shows a certain level of distrust. You got an eyeful of something that can be interpreted as flirtatious or not, but because of your distrust, you are inclined to view it as such. You're aware of it, which is why you're asking our opinion.

At this point, as I see it the only real option you have if you wish to save the relationship, is to come clean and communicate honestly an openly. Don't play games. Don't downplay what you did, tell him you did it, tell him you saw it, and you don't like what you see. With honest and open communication, you have a chance (albeit a small one) at saving this, but without trust, all is lost.

[Mathias]

WAIT!! DON'T TELL HIM!!!

i have been on both sides of the snooping in cell phone/email. it feels terrible to have to do it, but if you are, you there is a reason why. if you checked and there was no reason to be concerned, you would erase the instance from your memory, don't tell anyone and NEVER do it again!

when i found out my guy snooped my cell phone, it made me furious. i was disgusted by his patheticness and trickery. also, he was right to do it, i was getting sick of him anyway.

i think you should have an honest conversation with him (about your feelings, NOT the snooping!) and see if he fesses up! if he lies, then he must know what he's doing is wrong. you don't need to sully your image by admitting that you snooped, but then you will know that a) he's fine lying to you and b) there's a reason why he felt he had to lie

if he does lie, i suggest you leave him. don't give him a chance to explain. go no contact and see what he does. you are SO right that he should be willing to give up that dumb flirtation for you if he claims to care about you that much!

his behavior is really inappropriate.

I'm so sorry you had to find that out.****ing men.

Hold on.

His behavior is entirely inappropriate. But you want him to come clean with her, and have her not admit to what she did wrong? That's just as bad. Sully her image?

Her behavior is inappropriate here as well. That needs to be made clear.