"I'll try to deal with your appearance..."

[wellohwell]

I've been dating someone for 4 months. Hard working guy. Great father to his children. Very attentive and usually very kind to me. We dated for 3 months of the four, while also dating others. I fell for him hard by month two but knew we weren't there yet. I moved at his pace. We are both divorced and I could see he wasn't completely over his ex-wife, who had left him. However a month ago he told me he loved me. I said the same.

The day after he told me he loved me we were talking. He said "I know I still have things to work through...because the most beautiful woman in the world is my ex-wife. It hurts to know that." I didn't respond. I was shocked...and hurt.

I should have left then. I didn't. He had always been slightly critical of my appearance. This worsened over the last month. I am NOT a girly girl. I'm t-shirts, jeans and little make up. Always have been. But I agreed to compromise and dress up if we went out...he just has stopped taking me out. He began telling me that he can see I have hang ups about my appearance. Pointing out emotional issues and making them bigger than they are...calling me jealous. He is continuously being hot and then cold. I had not in a month brought up the "most beautiful woman in the world" comment but I did last night after being virtually ignored for 3 days. I have no idea why he was so rude and distant for those 3 days but I'm assuming it has something to do with his ex. It usually does. My bringing up the comment started a discussion about my appearance and he told me he would try to deal with it... and he would find that he could deal with it or maybe he couldn't. This from a man who said last week that he intended to marry me some day.

I ended the relationship. Told him not to bother trying to learn to deal with it. I am who I am and that is who I want to be loved for. He told me I was making a bigger deal out of it than it was, that I was too worked up, that he wasn't giving up and that just because he didn't say what I wanted to hear he couldn't believe I would just run. I truly feel as though he has been working on beating down my self confidence and I'm not who I was a month ago.

Why do I feel like I want to talk to him right now? Make things right? Is it because I am subconsciously looking for his approval? I feel it's possible that is what I've been doing all along...Help please.

[Gigabitch]

Why do I feel like I want to talk to him right now?

**** if I know. I don't think you should ever speak to him again. He sounds like a complete asshole to me. I'm so glad he made this so obvious before you married him.

[Junket]

Meh, f*ck that asshole.

He's always going to compare you to her, anyway.

[Kayla]

Who the hell does he think he is?! Get him off this pedestal you seem to have him on and tell him to **** off. Don't ever talk to him again.

[asdfg789]

I am NOT a girly girl. I'm t-shirts, jeans and little make up.

i just want to say that there are men who prefer casually dressed women who wear no make-up. I'm one of them.

His problem seems to be:
a. cannot get over ex-wife
b. cannot accept you for who you are

This may change with time but I wont bet on it.

[Gigabitch]

His problem seems to be:
a. cannot get over ex-wife
b. cannot accept you for who you are

I'm going to go ahead and add:

c. has absolutely no sense of common decency
d. clearly suffers from HUB Syndrome (head up butt)

[Sonrisa]

No matter how much we support the whole "love and accept us the way we are", you do need to realize that a woman does have to stay feminine and attractive and girly and dress up occasionally in order to be attractive to men. otherwise they might as well date other guys. if you found a guy that you really want to bi with, and who has certain preferences in women, then you might as well work towards them. i am sure there must be something about him that makes him attractive that he has to offer, right?

[vashti]

About the clothes - if you have been consistent about your style since the beginning, I don't see why he complains now. On the other hand, if you used to put forth more effort, he has grown to expect it, and well, you can't blame him for that.

However, you've only been exclusive with him for a month, and he's talking about marriage already? Jeezus. That's a giant warning sign to me. I can't imagine why clothing is such an issue when you are dating a guy that is this fast.

[wellohwell]

Thanks everybody. I have tried to be more girly for him actually...and many times I felt I was succeeding but he still put me down. And if it's not my appearance it's my emotions. There have been some serious instances that have occurred. For example, the ex didn't know about me but forgot about bringing his sons medicine to his house. I was out with him and she said she would put it on his table...he asked her to put it in the truck. She did. She was pulling out and leaving as we pulled in. He jumps out of the vehicle, to his truck and looks in briefly while calling her. He said "Hey baby, where did you put the medicine? I don't see it." Forget he didn't even have time to...she said "in a bag on the seat." She had just seen my vehicle at his house and was apparently being pissy. He said "What's wrong with you?" She hung up. He called back. Said "What's the matter? What did I do?" She told him to have a good time with his new woman. She left him...and truly does not want him back. She and everyone who knows her has been clear on this. I may have just been the thing to make her jealous.

I went to my vehicle to leave. He stopped me. Apologized. Said he should not have done this in front of me...that he admits that he wants her to want him because she hurt him so badly but that he wouldn't trade me for 14 of her. I stayed.

This is about more than just my appearance. I feel he may have been doing this to beat me down...make me feel badly about myself. It's so not me. I work hard. I take care of myself. I don't ask for anything from anyone. My friends look up to me and know they can depend on me. And in one month I've turned into a self conscious wreck. He texted me this morning asking me to have a good day. I didn't respond.

I don't know that I will hear from him again. Maybe. Maybe not. But I think this is a core personality issue and I'd be a fool to stay in it...I need to be smart and walk now. I CANNOT get weak.

[wellohwell]

About the clothes - if you have been consistent about your style since the beginning, I don't see why he complains now. On the other hand, if you used to put forth more effort, he has grown to expect it, and well, you can't blame him for that.

However, you've only been exclusive with him for a month, and he's talking about marriage already? Jeezus. That's a giant warning sign to me. I can't imagine why clothing is such an issue when you are dating a guy that is this fast.

I have been very clear that I have NO intentions of getting married for a very long time. We've known each other for close to a year. Technically dated for 4 months. Committed for 1 month. His statement was "I intend to marry you some day." Which he has said 3 times...I told him not to hold his breath. If I walk down the aisle again I will be soooo sure it's "forever." And I don't know what it would take...he knows marriage is far off if at all...but still.

Regardless of what he said I am done. I have to keep the quote in the forefront... "The most beautiful woman in the world is my ex-wife and it hurts to know that..."

I want to be someone's "most beautiful." Bottom line. And I've always dressed the same way....period. But on that note, since he said "I love you" we haven't had a single date...It's my house or his house. And I work up to 11 hours a day. Getting in full makeup to sit on the front porch isn't exactly me either.

[Gigabitch]

Life is too short to spend with someone who tears you down like this. You can do better.

[Raze]

To add to what Giga said, spend time with someone who makes you happy. Someone who loves you will love you for you and not what you look like. Anyway, a person who loves you will think you are beautiful in every way. =)

[xxazurexx]

He wants to marry you, but can't stand your appearance and criticises you...?

The man sounds mentally retarded!

[wellohwell]

He wants to marry you, but can't stand your appearance and criticises you...?

The man sounds mentally retarded!

That isn't totally out of the question.

He just texted. "Bad day at the office."

I didn't respond.

[Mish]

I've been dating someone for 4 months. Hard working guy. Great father to his children. Very attentive and usually very kind to me. We dated for 3 months of the four, while also dating others. I fell for him hard by month two but knew we weren't there yet. I moved at his pace.

I think moving to his place after two months of dating was way too soon. Especially when you knew that you weren't there yet.

Anyway, what's done is done, but keep it in mind for the future.