Cell Phone Troubles

[iceman99]

My girl has a big problem with me knowing her cell phone lock pass code. She texts other guys she has previously had sex with and still works with. Is it wrong of me to want to know what she is writing him? She says that they are friends still. I have told her many times that it really bothers me that they still talk. He has a girl friend anyway. I have met the guy and he seems like the really flirty type that would cheat at any given moment. Is it possible for them to just be friends after they have had sex and should I be cool with this? Should we know each others pass codes? I am very confused as what to think. If any women could help me out. She says thats its a privacy issue and I should trust her. I do but I simply don't trust this guy. Please help.

[michelle23]

You don't trust her. Lets be honest here. You don't but you have every right not to. I would break up with her if I were you. Not because she wont give you her code but because she is still in contact with this very flirty guy who she has had a sexual relationship with and she is being secretive.

My guess is she still has a thing for him and possibly cheating.

[iceman99]

She tells me that she is talking to him but won't let me see what is being said. I said could I please just see once what you or what he is saying to you. I said its fine if you still like him but let me go if anything is still going on. She swears hes only a friend and its a mistake. Why wouldnt she let me see what he is saying to her? Is my thinking normal for me to want to see the context in which he addresses her?

[michelle23]

She shouldn't be texting other guys when she is in a relationship with you-full stop. Not unless its to say something like "group of us going to the bar Saturday night, will we see you there" or "do you have Mary's number" or "I forgot my jacket in the office, can you put it in the canteen for me" etc.

If shes texting him a lot-its a red flag. Or if shes meeting him alone for coffee or drinks or spending time at his house etc-its another red flag.

The bottom line here is you are not happy and you have told her that but she doesn't care and continues to behave this way knowing that it makes you feel insecure and paranoid. Shes not gonna change, its not gonna get any better so just break up with her. She is not GF material.

She keeps saying you should trust her which is an excuse not to show you those messages. She is hiding something and reversing the blame on you to make you feel like you are wrong for being paranoid. Its manipulative and she is passing her guilt onto you and gas lighting you in an effort to make you think you are crazy and you are the problem-not her. All cheaters do it.

My guess is she had feelings for this guy and wanted more than just sex but he didn't. She then used you as a backup plan in an effort to make him jealous and catch his attention which worked. No matter what way you look at it-you are second best and she is making a fool of you. Its time to man up and tell her to go to hell and if she begs and pleads or swears never to talk to him again or says she will show you the messages etc -tell her ITS TOO LATE NOW, I DONT TRUST YOU AND WE ARE DONE. Mean it and walk away for good. There are better women out there

[iceman99]

She offered to not talk to him anymore. The whole not letting me see what she is texting other guys bothers me. Does one deserve privacy? I don't know what to think in this all I know I love her very much.

[HeartIsAching]

Yes, both of you deserve your privacy. If you can't trust her, looking at her phone won't fix anything. As Michelle said, you have reason not to trust her, but that doesn't mean you get to invade her privacy. It means you need to decide whether or not you can live with it. If you can't - time to move on.

[iceman99]

If one has nothing to hide then why not let me see that he is saying to her. She told me that I would be upset with some of the things he says to her. I am wondering if I would be upset with what she is saying too. I understand the trust thing. Love is blindness so its not easy to just walk away

[michelle23]

My bf wouldn't care if I looked at his phone. I have often used his to go on the internet when mine isn't working and plenty of times I have not asked his permission. He has never gotten mad or upset over this and I wouldn't care if he looked at mine. He rarely has credit and he knows my code as he uses my phone sometimes to ring his brother in Australia. If you both have nothing to hide and trust each other-you shouldn't feel the need to a). hide your phone or have a secret password or b). snoop through each others phone

If you are not gonna leave her which you should because she is giving you plenty of reasons not to trust her then I suggest you play her at her own game. Put a privacy code on your phone and text other girls and don't allow her to look at your phone. See how she likes it. This wont make the situation any better -it is better to just walk away but if she reacts badly-at least you can say "now you know how I feel".


Look up co-dependency. Only a co-dependent would stay with someone who makes them miserable or makes them feel insecure, paranoid or jealous. If you have trust issues, its not a healthy relationship and it is the number 1 reason you should tell her to get lost

"love is blind" is a stupid excuse to stay with her. You are not blind, you know she is acting shady, you don't trust her, you know this guy is flirting with her and I would bet my years salary she is flirting back and I would also bet that she is more into him that to you. Your a backup plan. Also why would you want a girl who has so little morals that she would allow this guy to flirt and send her dirty texts knowing that he has a GF.

Self respect starts with you. No girl will respect you if you don't respect yourself. I wouldn't care how much I loved someone or how much it would hurt to walk away. Id rather deal with the pain of leaving and being alone than stay with someone I don't trust who doesn't respect me or have empathy for my feelings. Plus the longer you stay in this situation-the more hurt you will be. At least if you walk away you can begin to heal and eventually meet someone who treats you better

Don't be a doormat for anyone. Your worth more. There are billions of people in this world so don't settle for second best. As I said already, plenty of women would treat you better

[iceman99]

Thanks everybody. I guess she is guilty of something. She says I am insecure and paranoid when I am not. I have given her every opportunity to say she is still involved with him somehow and I would walk away. I just wanted to make sure I am her guy and their was no one else. Its fine if she has feelings for someone else but then she cant have me... Why would she keep me around. Is it out of fear of being alone? Another issue lately is the sex. When we first started going out we had frequent sex and now we dont really have it much. She said that she had sex a lot with me at first because she wanted me to stay around and be with her. She said she isnt a real sexual or intimate person and thats why things have slowed down, not that its anything she is displeased with me about. I am a total fool?

[Idainaru]

Despite my "problems" with my girl, i never needed to ask permission to use her cell phone, as well as she mine. Messages are open, we also know our passwords for emails too.

[michelle23]

Sex has slowed down because she is cheating. And she is gaslighting you too by telling you the problem is you and your insecurities and your paranoia when the reality is you wouldn't be that way if she wasn't texting and flirting with this guy that she had sex with in the past or if she wasn't being secretive with her phone. Its pure manipulation and its working coz here you are asking strangers on the internet "am I being unreasonable" and no you are not. She is making you question yourself.

http://chumplady.com/2012/06/gaslighting-the-fine-art-of-making-you-believe-youre-crazy/

I believe you should not do anything that you would not be happy with your partner doing and flirting with others or texting others frequently is high on most peoples lists of deal breakers so stop questioning whether the problem is you or her. IT IS HER! And now go and do something about it BREAK UP WITH HER.

You have to have the confidence in yourself to trust your own gut instincts and yours are screaming SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT so LISTEN to it and WALK AWAY

Good luck

[surfhb2]

We're talking a younger girl here so that fact she has some guy texting her flirty message and her reciprocating somewhat doesn't mean a whole lot. That's fairly normal for that age group ( generally, Michelle ).

Unless she's going out without you often it's not a big deal.

Btw.....who cares what this guys texts...she's with you

She's right...you are insecure

[iceman99]

Thanks, I never really thought of it that way. I just was worried because they work together and he is a dick.

[michelle23]

I disagree surf. I know most people my age would not be okay with this. Its obvious shes hiding something and flirting/texting other guys is considered cheating by most people