Crying a River

[Light11]

First post. Pain brought me to this forum. I'm 62 and never really "fell in love" my whole life. It was mostly sexual attraction that would then morph into human affection for that person. All my siblings and friends seemed to have "fallen in love". Not me. My relationship to my wife of 30 years started out sexual as well, one night stand. That's all I wanted. But she pursued me and I caved. But the last 4 years for stupid reasons she has distanced me into a loveless and sexless marriage. I have developed a true love for her and still find he sexually and socially attractive but I cant get through to her. I told her I don't want anyone else and this is a pretty bad age to start looking for a mate again. Too much work especially now. Yes we went to marriage counseling and she didn't like it because she thought the counselor sided with me. She has given me permission to find someone else but doesn't want a divorce. Go figure. It's like I'm in a cage. That's just part of my pain.

Now I have fallen in love with a regular client to my business. She is 52 yo and I misread her as liking me more than a friend. So 3 weeks ago, I decided to tell her that "I loved her" and had been feeling this way for a while. Finally got the balls to say it. Seemed like things were progressing, but then could tell in a later meeting, she does not feel the same. I told her I sensed that. She did not deny that was true which told me it was. I told her I had to cut off all forms of communication with her because it was too painful to know that my strong feelings of love for her were going nowhere and that I couldn't stop crying after every time I saw her. She said I should do what I thought was good for me. Not exactly the response I was looking for.

The reason this really hurts is because unlike most posts I've read here, my love for her is totally non sexual. This is the first woman whose heart is what interests me immensely. I couldn't care less if I ever had sex with her. I just want to be with her. I told her that too. When you live just for those sexual moments, you may have pleasure for maybe 1/2 hour. Being with her is like having that pleasure 24/7 without having sex. She is so loving, gracious, wise and resonates inward beauty it makes me cry.

I had to cut off my relationship with her because I couldn't take being around her and not having her love (from the heart, not sexually). I've been crying for days. I've prayed to God and he's probably tired of listening to my desperate pleas. I even would want to marry her but I haven't been out on even one date with her. That was the last thing I asked her by email (lunch date). No response. Its all been extended conversations as a client in my work where the conversation drifts to the spiritual where she shines.

One detail I've left out is that she has been in a relationship with some guy for about 10 years. But for the last year, she has moved 3 hours away from where he lives and has told me he is in a "dark place". She moved out in the country to "work things out". I figured if a person has to move away from their lover to "work things out", that lover can't be a very good lover and friend to you. Your lover is who you should be looking to at that point, not running away from. I took that as an sign that maybe she would be open to my "advances". If I thought she was having a good relationship with him I would never have told her my feelings. She knows I'm married but that my relationship to my wife is platonic and on the skids.

Now that I have ended the relationship because I can't stand not being special to her, I am miserable. I can't handle to just be her "friend" and I can't stand not seeing her. It's torture. Like most people here, all I do is think of her. Then I cry. Then I pray and repeat the cycle. I feel like I was born at the wrong time to finally be in true love at 62 and to be rejected. First by my wife, now by someone I would do almost anything for.

[AdminOnline]

Hello Light11, welcome aboard. Enjoy your visits.

[lovebroken]

Hi, Light11 and welcome to the loveforum.

Sorry, you are feeling sad and in pain. I understand what you mean about not just wanting sex but wanting love, real love and a deeper connection with another person and worse when you find that person you feel that for they do not respond back in kind and the pain seems unbearable. Should this woman still be your client if you have these feelings for her and have shared you have these feelings with her? Maybe better someone else takes her as their client, not sure what field you work in. What are you going to do with the relationship with your wife, stay, go, separate for a time being? I think you need to talk to your wife about how you are no longer happy with how your relationship is and what she is if anything willing to do to make it better or go different ways.

[Light11]

Thank you for your sympathy lovebroken. Such an appropriate name. Yes I have shared my feelings with this woman. The main thing I am happy with is that she definitely knows that I love her because I told her several times. I could see her get choked up at one point but she could not let me into her heart. I did not ask why because i feel that's her life whatever the reason for, and I have no right to overstep my boundaries. In the past there have been women I loved that I did not tell that I loved them and it burned me inside and I regretted it. This is one of the reasons I told her my feelings. At 62 I feel I need to express love at the risk of embarrassment or rejection.Time is running out.

I did tell my wife that I found someone and it may go somewhere. I told my wife they would probably like each other and she agreed from my description. I did not tell my wife I was in love with this woman because I didn't know at the time whether the other woman loved me.

It's almost frightening to me to think I may never see this woman again in my life unless she has a change of heart, which I can't see. I know now that she is not in the market for someone else or at least not me. If I knew that before I expressed my feelings to her, I would have kept quiet. So knowing that now, I will keep quiet. Its totally her move now and I keep praying to God to open her heart up to me.

I realize I am hung up on this woman because I saw a potential opportunity for a heart to heart relationship which would be heaven on earth to me. However I realize we are all like little "love generators" inside. There are many loving people on this planet and we all want to share our love. Maybe I will find someone else to share that love with. But there is also something in me that says she is "the one" I am destined to be with in a second marriage. Time will tell.