So confused? He loves me but doesnt want a relationship.

[ashleyyann]

My ex boyfriend and I were together for over a year and a half. We were head over heels for each other but four weeks ago he told me he didn't want a relationship anymore and wanted to do his own thing. We are in college and came to the same school together and live in the same apartment building (but not the same apartment) we had all these plans with one another and how our life would turn out and all the sudden none of it even matters to him. And honestly, I've never been so upset and heart broken. We were everything to one another and we were best friends and he's more than willing to give it up.
Over the last four weeks, I've tried everything. The first week, I begged him to get back together with me and he said "The feelings aren't there anymore. I still love you. I will always love you. I care about you. I want to be with you. But I just want to not have to worry about anything." Within those first two weeks post break up, we ended up cuddling on the couch and kissing. And it felt wonderful and magical like it always has. But he still insisted on that he didn't feel anything. But he kept on saying how it's so hard to be next to me and not cuddle or kiss me or anything like that.
Later on within the third week, he told me that "Obviously his feelings aren't just going to go away right after we break up and that it's been such a habit for the year and a half that that's the reason why we kissed and everything the way we did." But still I continued to ask him if he loved me still and if he wanted to be with me and he would say yes.
At the beginning of the fourth week, I began to feel angry and upset. I can't understand why he's doing this. So I went to his apartment and told him so. I told him how I wished we never were together and that everything would be a lot easier now and that I wish he at least cared about me enough to see if I was okay (but he didn't the whole time, it was always me going to see if he was okay.) and all he could say was "I'm sorry. I will always love you. I just want you to know that."
To be honest, I don't know what to do anymore. I want to wait for him, but it feels hopeless. I feel like I'll be waiting forever and I shouldn't do that to myself. I want to be with him, I want everything that we had back. We were best friends and perfect with each other for so long and he just gave up on that. He told me he started thinking about breaking up a week before he actually did it and things were rough for one month and he just gave up. I know I should get over him and let it go. He said he doesn't want a relationship again for a very long time and I ask him if it was me and he says "No. You're perfect." but continues to say that he doesn't think he wants to be in a relationship for a year or so. It's just all so confusing and I miss him dearly. Any advice? Do I wait or get over him?
How do I deal with seeing him sometimes? He rides the bus I take to school occasionally (I think just to check up on me) and it hurts. All i want is to be with him.

[basilandthyme]

I'm sorry you're hurting Ashley. Truth is, he's giving you a glorified version of "it's not you, it's me" because he can't bear to hurt you. And he's doing you a disservice because being honest would have let you move on more easily.

Fact is; he's done. And while he probably cares about you, he doesn't love you. At least, he doesn't love you like a boy should love a girlfriend. Save any dignity you have left and stop hounding him. Let the idea of getting back together go and work towards building a new life without him. And he'll probably be mighty relieved when you stop begging.

If you have trouble getting your head around this, remind yourself to look at his actions rather than his words. He may say that he loves you, but his actions shows that he's moved on.

[cbad]

Yeah, unfortunately, he's told you that he wants to end things. I feel sympathy for your situation and don't want you to feel like we're coming down on you like a ton of bricks when you feel so badly. But just based on what you have told us, I think he's been pretty clear that he's not interested any more. I understand that it hurts a lot and it may hurt for a while. I hope you feel better soon. None of us can make it feel any better, unfortunately, and we've all been there before.

[cbad]

By the way, the one thing I would disagree with basil about is the "dignity" comment. I mean, let's be honest, everyone in the world has felt this kind of pain at some point and we've all done things to try to get the other person or get them back. It's not "undignified." It's human. Stop trying to make her feel worse. She can't help that she hurts and that she wants him back.

[searock]

He does love you, but not romantically. It's over, you should stop seeing him. Let him have his freedom and allow yourself to be free.

[Wakeup]

He doesn't think he loves you in any way. He's fond of you, you've become a habit to him that is going to be hard to break for both of you but that is exactly what he wants to do.

Frankly, he sounds stressed and a tad depressed and having a relationship is just another burden rather then a joy. How is he doing in school? How is his home life?

Anyway, bottomline is that you are stagnating yourself from moving on from him by continuing to pretend he's coming back when by all accounts he is not. Don't let him have you at the demoted state of "just friend" that will stagnate you even further from getting to the stage of indifference to him. Indifference is where you want to be now so that the pain goes away and you'll be back to your old self.

It will be hard to go zero contact because you live in the same building and go to the same school but do your best to stay clear of him. Don't enable him to keep you around for comfort but not want you as a girlfriend. Doing that will give him zero reasons to change a thing and it will keep you mired in what you're feeling right now.

Good luck, be strong, zero interaction with him from here on out.

[ashleyyann]

Thank you guys for the honesty. I hope I can get over this and let it be but it is quite hard. I don't feel like myself anymore and it hurts more than I can explain. We made all these promises to each other about the future and that he would always want to be with me however that was easily just broken. I forgot to mention that I asked a couple weeks ago if he was still IN love with me and he said yes. That he always will be. And when i was still trying my hardest to be with him, I asked him if it was worth the wait. And he said "I can't say for sure that we will get back together. But i don't know for sure if we won't either." But i don't know if he said that just to try to keep me on his string. He does want to be friends and expected us to be friends right after. And I was actually going to try it but I can't be around him without these feelings of wanting to be with him. So after the first two weeks, i told him no, that we can't be friends.

He seems very depressed. Before we broke up (almost two days before) he told me how the world doesn't look the same to him and that he just goes through his days doing the exact same thing. He feels numb to everything. And when we were together, I asked him if it's anything I've done and he said "No. Not at all. If anything you've helped get me through these feelings." His family doesn't keep in contact with him much, he was out on his own after high school and he doesn't see his mom or dad often. Just every now and then. When we broke up, I told his mom I was really worried about him and that I hope she can be his shoulder to lean on. (we we're very close to each others families) She said she feels as if he's going through some "growing pains." For a while now, he hasn't been interested in the things that he used to do and he says he is always tired. I really honestly think he's depressed. The day we broke up he kept on telling me about how he feels so down and I asked him if he needed to go to counseling because of the way he feels and he got kind of offended. Everything was really great before I moved and came to the same location to go to college. This happened the month before we broke up that I moved. He also went on vacation to Hawaii with his dad and step mom right when I moved up here and after that is when I saw the change. He seemed so lifeless and he tells me he doesn't know why he feels the way he does. And that he doesnt think it has anything to do with missing his family.

I've started the no contact rule. It is very hard when you still see him every now and then but I'm almost a week into not talking to him. (Longest I've ever not talked to him in a year and a half) I figure if i can do this for a week, then i can do it for two weeks and so on. I've stopped the begging and pleading for him to come back because I know it isn't working. Right now, I just want him to realize how much he will miss me. We were each others first love and we gave up everything to each other expecting it would last. And we both always promised ourselves that we wouldn't have sex until marriage (even if it wasn't with one another) but it felt right. And i believe that just made this whole break up all that more complicated. But I guess that's growing up for you, right?

Thank you again for laying down the truth and the way you guys see it. My family and friends are very biased because my family loved him and my friends are mostly friends with both of us. I can see in his actions that he doesn't feel the way he used to and he tells me he doesn't feel that "spark" anymore. And it's painful and I wish I could help him but I know now that I need to let go.

[Wakeup]

Congratulations on being so grown up and such a smart cookie.

It hurts but in time, it won't anymore. Keep busy doing things you like to do with people you like doing them with, concentratre on getting your degree and soon enough you'll look back at this as a life experience, lessons learned and you'll be all that much more dating savvy in the future.

Let him figure himself out. Only he can do that.

[searock]

I second what Wakeup said, you are doing the right thing by going no contact. It will get better :-).

Just a note - I don't think not having sex until marriage is a good idea. One of the many reasons I don't think it's a good idea is this: how can you know that you're sexually compatible with someone unless you have sex with him? You don't want to end up with a husband you aren't sexually compatible with. Another reason is that sex promotes emotional bonding and feelings of "belonging" to one another... it strengthens relationships overall. Makes you feel more "in love" due to hormones that get released during and after sex. It's such a wonderful experience to share with a person you love... makes no sense to me to wait until you're married to do it. So, don't regret that you did have sex with him. It was the best thing to do :-).

[Agnus]

"The feelings aren't there anymore. I still love you. I will always love you. I care about you. I want to be with you. But I just want to not have to worry about anything."

It means your boyfriend is a selfish pig. Sort of a gayish metrosexual sissyish narcissist who is afraid of responsibilities. Men don't have any "feelings". If they are not disgusted they like every woman.

[ashleyyann]

It means your boyfriend is a selfish pig. Sort of a gayish metrosexual sissyish narcissist who is afraid of responsibilities. Men don't have any "feelings". If they are not disgusted they like every woman.

Uhhh..what?

[toknow]

....Save any dignity you have left and stop hounding him. Let the idea of getting back together go and work towards building a new life without him....

You mean "Save your pride". Dignity isn't selfish. Big mistake to let any pride into a relationship - will destroy it in no time. And this is how you lose things that you've built for years real fast.

When giving advice try to put yourself in other peoples' shoes. It's very easy to end someone else's relationship isn't it.

I say give him time - he is dealing with confusion and depression. He needs you now more than ever.

Give him love without expecting anything in return and you can save this relationship.

[VincenzoG91]

Uhhh..what?

Don't listen to Agnus, she is a bitter, bitter woman.

[Wakeup]

I say give him time - he is dealing with confusion and depression. He needs you now more than ever.

Give him love without expecting anything in return and you can save this relationship.

Enabling and codependent thinking at it's finest.

[IndiReloaded]

You mean "Save your pride". Dignity isn't selfish. Big mistake to let any pride into a relationship - will destroy it in no time. And this is how you lose things that you've built for years real fast.

When giving advice try to put yourself in other peoples' shoes. It's very easy to end someone else's relationship isn't it.

I say give him time - he is dealing with confusion and depression. He needs you now more than ever.

Give him love without expecting anything in return and you can save this relationship.

I get what you are saying Toknow and it's noble except the OP doesn't have a commitment with this guy. If the OP was a married woman with kids posting her husband was going through this, I would say your advice is spot-on and she needs to support him b/c that's what the vows mean.

But there is no committed relationship. This guy owns his feelings (or lack of) and owes her nothing. In fact, he's told her point-blank he's not giving her anything. Likewise, she doesn't owe him anything.

@ Ashley, you sound like a genuinely nice girl. Move on and find a guy who truly wants you and will appreciate you.