He's not ready - Should I give up??

[Blindsided]

So I met this guy at the beginning of the year. We went out and almost instantly, connected. We're both in our 30s, ready to settle down, professionals, etc. So we were pretty amazed that we happened to "stumble" on to this really great relationship with a significant amount of potential.

He mentioned early on in our relationship that he had broken up with his girlfriend of two years shortly before we started dating (October, we started dating in January), BUT, the second year of their relationship was long distance (she moved across the country, then around the world), so he felt like he was ready to move on and start again. So when we met, he was just entering the dating scene again. I don't think he was planning on finding something so big right away, but it's hard to plan these things.

Honestly, we had a great, healthy, adult relationship. We had a lot in common such as a deep love and interest in music and photography, great communication, had fun together, fantastic sex, and for all practical purposes this relationship seemed like it was marriage bound. He stayed at my place, we'd cook dinner together, chat, it was really quite nice. And above all of that, we had the important things: trust, communication, honesty, etc.


A few months into dating, he invited me to meet his family for dinner over the holiday. Due to a medical issue with a relative, we ended up traveling to the house he grew up in and spending the entire weekend with his parents, 3 brothers and sisters, spouses, and kids. Needless to say, it was a lot to take in! But, things went well and, as we drove home, I couldn't believe I had really found someone special again (I'm divorced). Everything was falling into place (as far as a long-term relationship).


Two days later, he broke up with me very unexpectedly.

I was in shock.


He explained that he wasn't ready and that he didn't want to date anyone right now. He said that I'm everything he wants in his life and what he was looking for, but that a few weeks before he stopped falling 'more' for me so he wasn't sure if he could fall in love with me. He was very conflicted because I think on one hand, he didn't want to lose me and hurt me, but on the other, he knew it was the right thing to do.


This is a good time for some background information: from what I gathered, pretty much all of the women he had dated before didn't treat him very well and I think it caused him to expect that from me. He had mentioned once in our relationship that he had always cared for the women more than they cared for him and this time around he couldn't believe it was the other way around. He often commented how put together I was and how well I treated him, how much fun we had, easy going, etc. This was in stark contrast to the women he had dated as many had emotional or financial issues and I don't think they treated him well. I think this caused him to potentially struggle with how well I treated him.

My perception is that, while short, this was the most adult relationship he had ever had (I'm also the only divorced woman he's dated).



So the day he came to me and said he wasn't ready, I could see this wall just go up. One day we were together and the next it was as if we were strangers. No discussion and I could tell I wasn't going to change his mind. He mentioned that he'd like to get together in a couple months for a concert and that he's fine with talking, but wants me to take care of myself, which I can understand. He doesn't want me to wait and he doesn't want to plan something for the future that's not platonic.

So I don't know what to do.

I was married for seven years and my ex-husband and I had a very amicable divorce (no lawyers). I feel what this new man and I have found is something that is truly a marriage quality relationship and I feel like he was forcing things and trying to feel something that hadn't had time to develop. I've shared this with him, but right now he just wants to be alone.


I'm doing my best to try and move on, but I just can't. I know if he will ever find it in his heart to love me, he needs this time to sort through his feelings, but I don't know what I should do in the interim. I know I'm supposed to take care of myself in this time, I get it, but I'm not sure where I'm supposed to put my heart right now.

He's a good man and, despite the fact that breaking up hurt me (what breakup wouldn't), he truly did what was in my best interest. I can't fault him that.


Do I still have a chance?

[Jason278]

Thanks for your post

[Boisdevie]

Needs time = needs time but not with you.
He broke up with you for your interest? Bullshit.
Move on, you are making too many excuses for his behaviour - he was treated badly by other women, needs time to sort through his feelings (yeah right).

[pisces25]

Sorry you went through that hon. But honestly, no matter how perfect he seems/sounds, he does have issues and it seems it could take him sometime to sort these issues out. He finds it hard to trust women.

Relationships are all about timing. Even if it's the right guy, if it's not the right time it won't happen. Move on and don't fall into the trap of thinking you will be the one to fix him or show him not all girls are like his ex's.. it won't work.

[Jason278]

You can give him time

[elainefannyc]

Give him time, give yourself time.
What you had with him was not a dream. Try to appreciate what he has done for you and just give yourself time.

Maybe he will never come back, maybe he will. But waiting for him to make a decision will not do you any good.
You may still meet someone new, maybe when he is back, you are not available any more. Life has a lot of twists and turns.
Just try to calm down.

By the way, no contact, you should absolutely not contract him or receive contract from him.
If he want to marry you (gets ready), he will find a way to re-enter your life.

[haxan]

Needs time = needs time but not with you.
He broke up with you for your interest? Bullshit.
Move on, you are making too many excuses for his behaviour - he was treated badly by other women, needs time to sort through his feelings (yeah right).

^ Pretty much sums it up

Sometimes what seems to be growing and becoming better to one, is becoming more mundane to the other. Not a knock on you at all, it just seems like he got to know you a little better and became disinterested. It might not make sense to you, and how you perceived the relationship, but there's other nice men out there, you'll find one.

[Gregory1]

bumb ubm!

[bulrush]

Sounds like his scars from his past relationships have intruded into your relationship. I don't see how he can make a rational decision about you. He seems scared, like he assumes you are going to be a bad person like his other girlfriends. If you really like him, wait for him, and TELL HIM that. Talk to him and tell him you are still interested. If you don't show interest, you will lose him forever.

[Russell1]

bumb ubm!