What Is Wrong With Me? I NEED Help Please

[learningman]

For some reason, I get really upset and almost disgusted when I have to come to terms with the fact that a girl I'm dating has been with other guys (either as a boyfriend or physically). I had a girlfriend for years and it took everything I had internally to not allow myself to go crazy over the fact that she had 1 other boyfriend before me. I didn't let it affect the relationship and never really said how it just turned my stomach and drove me mentally nuts sometimes. Probably the only reason I could do that is because she had a limited relationship history and was a virgin when I met her. Now, I'm dating a girl who, while she hasn't said anything specific, I get the idea she's been with lots of guys. I can't control these thoughts of disgust and being upset about the fact that she has been with other guys. And because it sometimes drives me crazy, as I get to know her better I start to look at her social media sites. There I can see that she goes out to the bars, clubs, and has lots of pictures with different guys. Some could be friends, others not, I'm not sure but I know it drives me nuts. I don't want it to; but it does. I can't control myself from checking on her online as well as other girls I've dated. It especially drives me crazy when I see pics of her at bars and clubs with guys around during the time we've been dating. It makes me worry she's been doing stuff with other guys since we've been dating. We're not even an official couple but it drives me crazy. I hate that it does this to me. It makes me feel like she's ruined for me, I get creeped out, turned off, as if she's tainted. The mental image of her just being held by another guy in a pic is just gut-wrenching for me. I don't even know if these are mostly just pics with her and friends, but it's way too early on for me to ask her about it, or make her feel like she needs to tell me what other guys she has been with or is doing stuff with now. I have had these feelings with other girls, but I rarely ever say anything because it's an embarrassment. The feelings of being upset, disgusted, and disappointed come from so deep that I feel like I can't control them. It just bothers me so much.

I don't know what to do about these feelings. Is there a way to work on this? Has anyone else dealt with this? Do I have to just except that I'm like this and look for a girl who doesn't do a lot of going out and has a limited romantic history?

[doppelgaenger]

There's nothing wrong with you - you're just an inexperienced guy. Most dudes tend to get jealous like that because they have unrealistic expectations about dating and women. As you get older and start dating more gals, you'll be used to it, because you will also have a sexual past that will back up your ego.

[learningman]

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. You know the thing of it is, I've slept with at least 10 girls. I've dated my share and had a long term relationship. But these feelings seem to be hypocritical, because they are there whether I feel confident or not. It's really not feeling that I'm less experienced than her that bothers me, it's just the concept/image of the girl I'm dating being with another guy drives me nuts. It's a deep feeling of being upset that I don't know what to do about. I can't look at them the same.

[Gratedwasabi]

If you've slept with 10 girls and "dated your share" you should be over this by now. You're not going to like the only advice I can possibly think will help you.. but.. see a psychiatrist. You need to talk to someone about theses issues and figure out what causes them. Do you think about the past girls you've slept with at any point when you're with a girl? Probably not, huh? They don't either.

You really should talk to some who's professionally trained. It's not like you're nuts but you have a really deep-seeded and irrational jealousy issue. Simply wishing it away or reading some words on a forum isn't going to help you if you've had all this experience with girls and dating and are no better off.

Also, you should consider that maybe a party girl (which it sounds like the one with all the pictures of her at bars, etc, with dudes is) might just not be for you. I avoid those types of girls because I have some trust and jealousy issues and it makes me uncomfortable. But if you were getting worked up when you were dating a virgin.. that's.. a problem.

[MerryH]

I don't think you mentioned anywhere that you recognize that you're out of line to feel that way. I mean, you know you're being somewhat irrational, right?

You need to work on respecting boundaries and having more self-control. And maybe having a little more respect for the women you date. What makes you think she is/was banging all those guys you see in her photos? Do you know for a fact that she's promiscuous? If she is, that doesn't sound like something you can handle at this point, so consider breaking it off. But you're overstepping your boundaries if you're getting insane over who she might have slept with in the past (or even presently. You're not officially her boyfriend.) It's not your business, don't even think about it. Self-control.

I don't think you should just accept the fact that you're like this and only date girls who are pure and chaste. I don't know how old you are, but the older you get, the smaller your dating pool is going to get. Almost all adults have some sort of romantic past.

[learningman]

Thanks for your response. I know I'm out of line for feeling the way I do. But I can't stop these feelings. It feels like something I can't control. I don't necessarily think she's been with all of these guys sexually. I just have so much trouble dealing with the fact that she, or other girls I've been with, have been with other guys. Not just sexually but also emotionally. When I see a message from an old boyfriend saying "I love you", it affects me deeply and upsets me in a way that I struggle to see her as a girl I could progress with. I'm worried and scared that I feel this way with girls I date.

[doppelgaenger]

It's not just hypocritical, it's a double standard, because nowadays women are supposed to be equal to men. This is all about overcoming man's aggressive nature through self-discipline and conditioning. You know, sometimes females do this shit just to piss a guy off.

[smackie9]

You have security issues. You feel since a girl has a past then she can't be 100% emotionally committed to you. Which is bs, but that is how your brain is working atm. You have to retrain the way you think. You yourself have moved on from your relationships emotionally and that you have cleared the slate for someone new right? Knowing yourself those feelings do dissipate over time, it's no different with anyone else. You have to learn to trust the girl you wish to be serious with. Now everyone goes through a stage when they fall in love, that there are worries and insecurities leaching into our psyche....that's normal. You just have to remind yourself that they are with you now and the ex is a distant memory.

[MerryH]

You know, sometimes females do this shit just to piss a guy off.

Yes, those damn females had boyfriends/slept with people before they even met the OP just to piss him off. This is both helpful and relevant.



(It's really not, though.)

[learningman]

You have security issues. You feel since a girl has a past then she can't be 100% emotionally committed to you. Which is bs, but that is how your brain is working atm. You have to retrain the way you think. You yourself have moved on from your relationships emotionally and that you have cleared the slate for someone new right? Knowing yourself those feelings do dissipate over time, it's no different with anyone else. You have to learn to trust the girl you wish to be serious with. Now everyone goes through a stage when they fall in love, that there are worries and insecurities leaching into our psyche....that's normal. You just have to remind yourself that they are with you now and the ex is a distant memory.

Thanks for this response. You know what you said hit part of my feelings right on the head. I feel sometimes like if a girl gave all of her heart to another guy, how could I be all hers after that? How can she give me her whole heart? And it makes it more difficult for me if she's given her body to another guy too. I know it is not adult to feel this way, but I'm just being honest and I really appreciate the help. And what makes it all worse for me is all of the social media sites with all of the pictures. So if a woman had past relationships, there will be many pictures and comments that chronicle what they had. I know I shouldn't look, and I often don't, but it's so available ALL THE TIME that in a moment of weakness where I'm going crazy about worrying I end up not being able to control myself from looking for this stuff. It makes it feel like her exs aren't as much of a distant memory that I don't have to think about or see because all those pictures and words are right there to see. It's like if before the internet age, a guy's girlfriend kept an album of pictures and comments from past relationships in the house. That would be so weird and would be hard not to look sometime.

[doppelgaenger]

Yes, those damn females had boyfriends/slept with people before they even met the OP just to piss him off. This is both helpful and relevant.



(It's really not, though.)

*rolls eyes* I am referencing the flirty behavior that girls sometimes do just to make a guy jealous. Don't deny it, some girls really are bitches like that.

[MerryH]

*rolls eyes* I am referencing the flirty behavior that girls sometimes do just to make a guy jealous. Don't deny it, some girls really are bitches like that.

I know what you were referencing. It's irrelevant. Yeah, some people are assholes. The OP's problem is not that people are assholes, it's that he can't overcome his own fixation with the girl's other partners.

You're always so quick to interject your negative opinions of women in general. It's really irritating to read.

[RdHrshyKss]

Thanks for this response. You know what you said hit part of my feelings right on the head. I feel sometimes like if a girl gave all of her heart to another guy, how could I be all hers after that? How can she give me her whole heart? And it makes it more difficult for me if she's given her body to another guy too. I know it is not adult to feel this way, but I'm just being honest and I really appreciate the help. And what makes it all worse for me is all of the social media sites with all of the pictures. So if a woman had past relationships, there will be many pictures and comments that chronicle what they had. I know I shouldn't look, and I often don't, but it's so available ALL THE TIME that in a moment of weakness where I'm going crazy about worrying I end up not being able to control myself from looking for this stuff. It makes it feel like her exs aren't as much of a distant memory that I don't have to think about or see because all those pictures and words are right there to see. It's like if before the internet age, a guy's girlfriend kept an album of pictures and comments from past relationships in the house. That would be so weird and would be hard not to look sometime.

i think you should take wasabi's advice and look into some kind of therapy. i think a lot of this stems from your own insecurities, maybe even a bit of obsessive behavior. merryh was right, it's about self-control. it doesn't seem like you have much of it, and i don't think any healthy relationship can develop when you lack that kind of control.

why is the fact that she has been with other people so negative to you? think about it...most intelligent girls worth dating, who have been there and done that, have a better understanding of what it is that they want/need in a relationship. they can potentially bring a lot more to the table than someone who doesn't have that kind of experience. why are you only concentrating on the negative aspect of it (the irrational type of paranoia that gets triggered inside of you) when there are definitely some positives there too?

you need to start thinking about things from a different perspective. it sounds like you are only looking at things from your own point of view...how her experience with other men makes you feel inadequate. you need to accept that these girls are humans who have their own lives and experiences completely separate from you...and these private experiences of theirs is what makes them who they are. in order to develop anything long-lasting/fulfilling with a girl, you are going to need to accept this fact and learn to appreciate it.

[ammi00]

*votes for therapy*

[girl68]

I too vote therapy.

You seem like you want to but to want to requires good hard work. Work that will entail getting off FB and all other realted social networks, work thattrains your brain to turn those thoughts into different thoughs. The moment these irrational thoughts pop up immediately change your thought to thinking about something on the contrary something like I have loved other girls and I can love another girl therefore she has loved before therefore she can love again. (You get the idea right).

Getting over these thoughts will take time, and work. A forum can't help you much if you're not going to do the homework.

As for your self control, yes you can. Delete your accounts, and start training your brain.