My Newlywed Husband Said He's Disgusted By Me

[ashangel]

Hi everyone! I'm new here because I was searching for the best forum to post this question and found loveforum. I don't know why I wasn't here sooner! I'm really hoping I can get honest perspectives on this situation because I do not want to seek a counselor just yet, and my mom and friends' opinions don't help the situation.

This might be long if you want to go get a cup of coffee.

I am 25. I just got married a month ago to my boyfriend who I have been with since freshman year of college - so we have been together since we were 18. We were together all through college, saved our money our first 2 years working out of school, bought a house together and got engaged last summer, and got married this summer. It's all I've ever wanted. My career, self-love and interests, family, friends - they are all very important to me, but the most important thing in life to me has always been the relationship I am in. I feel that marriage is the most sacred bond and that we are fortunate as human beings to experience love in the depth we can, and that we should nurture that and each other. I do my best to put my husband first in everything. Yes, my job is important, but he is my #1 and always has been. In this way, I mean always talking to him, listening to him, taking care of him, being available emotionally and mentally and physically, always saying I love you, being affectionate, doing errands for him if he doesn't have time, picking up coffee just because - I mean, we have a wonderful relationship. Or so I thought.

He has never been with anyone else. Not only has he never had a serious relationship before - he has never had a girlfriend and has very little sexual experience and 0 love/relationship experience.

I had 2 serious relationships before him. You may be reading this and thinking, at 25 and married, how did you have 2 serious relationships before him? My first was from 14-17 and the second from 17-18. I am an absolute lover and romantic - writing poetry and rereading Romeo and Juliet over and over at the age of 12, in love with love, pretty much, and always wanting that connection and to care for someone else and be cared for. At that time, I think my insecurities played a big part it in. Now, my insecurities are long gone, but my experiences have made me a stronger, wiser lover and I pride myself on the wife I am.

So we've been married for a month. After we got married, it seemed everything changed. He is working around the clock, nonstop (no, he's not cheating -he's working - and works from home, so I can see what he's doing since I'm a teacher so I'm home now since it's summer). He doesn't want to have sex. He doesn't say I love you. He always jokes but is never serious with me. I have been going through the whole name-change process this entire month and with each new confirmation from a credit card or insurance in the mail with my (his) name on it, I run into his office with glee to show him and he just kind of goes "heh, yep that's great Ash." I hug him, kiss him, rub his back - I get NO physical or verbal affection from him, though. It's upsetting to me. I try to look good for him (but also want him to love me just lounging around as I love him), and it seems he's uninterested. We're on 2 different wavelengths. I have tried many nights to set the mood (around his schedule), random visits into his office for sexual things - like, I'm doing the best I can in every way.

Here's the bomb.

We visited my parents this weekend. While getting coffee, I saw a friend from high school who I had a brief time of hooking up with. The husband is aware of this. We chatted for a few minutes and that was that. Well... on the drive home, my husband let hell reign all over me. All of these emotions came out. He asked me specifically what I had done with this guy, and proceeded to tell me that I disgust him. That it's like every male friend I've ever had, I've hooked up with. That I have no standards. That I look sweet but act like trash. That he has no sexual attraction to me whatsoever, that when we do any sexual acts, he feels no emotion towards me because he knows I've done them with other people, so how can they be special? That he feels no spark and thinks we've been together so long that it's boring, that he can't believe the low standard I had for myself and the people I was intimate with, and that itmakes him question himself and me as well, and that maybe he was seeing something in me that isn't really as great as he thought I was. He said he sees me and feels nothing lately, and thinks we are perfect for each other on maybe 8 out of 10 categories, but not in this category (I guess sex? past? I don't even know). He also uses the most vulgar, degrading language when discussing these things, making me feel worse.I see this as inexperience, insensitivity, insecurity, and resentment on his part. He knew about my past from day 1. When we met in college, I had just broken up with my boyfriend, and I knew that he was the one for me. I thought God made us find each other because I was so emotionally broken and screwed up, hooking up wtih random people to find comfort, and he was this *nice* guy - something I hadn't had before. He was nice to me, good to me, we talked, we took time to get to things with each other - he wasn't using me. We connected. At first we didn't, but I told myself, if I am getting into a relationship again, this is the last 1. No more broken heart for me, and I am going to put my all ino this relationship and make it work. I told him all of this and was 100% open about my life - no secrets. Looking back, he said I shouldn't have told him a thing because it haunts him now. On the drive, he said whenever we do anything sexual (well, I do to him - because I get NO physically affection from him whatsoever for months now), he just thinks about me doing the same thing with some random guy and gets disgusted and doesn't care that I'm doing it and just feels that I owe it to him because I did it with someone else.

I think he has no experience, knows nothing about having a broken heart or someone try to manipulate, use or deceive you, and he is spoiled and selfish in love because he knows nothing else. He thinks I know nothing though because my relationships were so young. By the way - I am not a partier or social person by any means. You wouldn't look at me and think "that girl must be a good time." I am professional, polite, and hold myself in that way. I am the type that my friends and guys have commented seem very innocent. And it's true. I do come off that way, and that was something my husband *liked* about me - I don't come off whoreish because I'm not, but I have experience that I put towards a *relationship*. I don't deny anything I've done, but I don't parade it. My husband, however, can't forget. He needs to respect my past. He won't see a counselor with me. I don't think he takes marriage or me seriously. He said to me work is his number 1 priority, and he feels like we are just living in a house together at this point. He said I come after work, and that's that. He is, and knows, he's always been my #1.

He knows I had 2 relationships. I did have some experience with guys in high school because I like to be sexual, and also because at that time, unfortunately, I found self-esteem in being able to know I was wanted by someone in that way - especially after my 1st boyfriend who screwed me up mentally and emotionally so much over it. When my 2nd boyfriend and I broke up before I went to college, I had a few short hook ups in college before I settled down with my now-husband. He knows all about this and would bring it up throughout our relationship since we would see the guys on campus. To me, I know exactly how I felt and why I did anything I did, and I knwo that I felt a connection with these people (we aren't even talking sex, by the way, it's oral sex and it's like he can't handle it) - he just doesn't understnad, but the more we discuss, the angrier and meaner he gets. When reading this, you may be thinking that I was sleeping wtih every guy I met or something, and it's not way. We are talking kissing 4 people at college and hooking up with 2 of those people - and by hooking up, it wasn't sex. In high school, the same thing - kissing maybe 6 people and hooking up with 2 apart from my 2 boyfriends - and yes, I was friends with all of these people. It felt innocent fun to me, and I felt close to them and it jus happened. He can't handle it. I'm over it.

I don't know what to do. I told him he should've told me this earlier. He said he didn't realize until we got married and it hit him, like, this is forever now. As I said earlier, I have been very attentive to him this entire month (as always, but even moreso), because we are newlyweds and I've been telling him how important this time is. To me - a spark NEVER dies out unless there was never a true spark to begin with. If it does, you work to relight it. He doesn't want to. We've slept in 2 separate beds, are ignoring each other except for necessary conversation. I just have NO IDEA what to do. He doesn't respect me, doesn't think he needs to apologize, and I am tiptoeing in my own house. I am shocked at him. I feel like we should've never gotten married or invested this time if this is how he feels. This isn't a 2 month relationship, this is marriage. I feel like he ruined my ONE SACRED DREAM over something so immature - his own insecurities and inability to come to terms with MY past because he's so wrapped up in his work that he only spends like 2 minutes a day even thinking about me or "us" anyway. Meanwhile, as I said, he is my EVERYTHING. I don't know what to do at all. PLEASE - Honest opinions/advice. Thank you so much.

[Raul87]

I'm 24 and I've not had a serious relationship yet. So I'm probably one of the last people to give you advice on this. But heck I read your entire story so I might as well leave my opinion

The first thing I could think of was, go apart for awhile, as soon as possible. Move in somewhere else if you can, give him room to think and have some room to think for yourself. If after being separated for awhile he still feels the same way, as much as it sucks and what a jerk I think he is, I think there's no better option than to already get divorced, then :/

But yeah. I suck at this myself so don't take my advise too serious

[HeartIsAching]

What he's done is emotional and mental abuse, as well as having unrealistic expectations. He's also got some severe communications deficiencies. You don't need to seek counseling, he does.

[ashangel]

And to add - I can't change my past, but I have been 100% honest with him so that he doesn't ever feel there are things he doesn't know. I feel as if I've been working this entire relationship to get him over my past, and to show him that I love only him and that the past doesn't matter to me. In his head, he thinks I still have all of these memories that he doesn't have to refer to/compare to. Early on in our relationship, I told him we should take a break so he could "play the field" and see what was out there, and he was too scared to try. I am very supportive of his feelings about my past and always have listened to him. But I don't feel he's been supportive of ME. He is a wonderful guy in other ways though - very goal-oriented, funny, we share common interests. We planned our lives together and I guess I always pushed the sex issues aside because I knew they could be worked on. But we never worked on them.

The 2nd boyfriend I had, the one before him, passed away in September. I went to the wake and spoke with his fiance and family. Our brothers were friends so they still talk. Ever since then, will all of the life changes I've had in the past year, it made me really think about our relationship and made me feel so lucky to have each other. So, like I said, I always give my all and put him first because we never know when the day could be our last. Our day-to-do is important, yes, but me running my butt around at work doesn't matter if I'm going to be dead the next day, but my giving him a kiss and saying I love you means everything if I'm going to die. KWIM? I just have been looking at things in perspective of thankfulness and gratefulness for the life I have, and I feel unappreciated and taken for granted by him. He has no life experience to base anyhting on. My grandmother passed away on Christmas this year also, and seeing her each week in the hospital was so emotionally tough, and it's been so tough on my mom - I'm very close to my family, and this is just a hard time. I need his support, but I never make it about what *I* need, I make everything about him and his work. When I tell him I need more from him, he gets defensive and says "Well you asking me to talk to you more or tell you I love you makes me not want to because you're asking me to do something. If you wouldn't, I would do it on my own." Nope. He doesn't. If I say nothing, he just ignores me. I look at each day as a gift, truly, and the death of 2 people so important to me made me so appreciative of my own life and realize not to take it for granted... he just says to get over it. My mom gave me a picture of my grandmother at the place my husband and I got married, and a big soft spot for me for our wedding was that my grandmother wasn't there to see it. When my mom showed me this picture, I cried. My husband said, "Ash come on, are you seriously crying?" He just is not emotional, and I KNEW this! I feel so stupid! Oh, BTW, my husband said my ex was trash who deserved to die and was 1 less useless person on the Earth. Like, that's the emotional support I'm dealing with. My ex died in a Navy helicopter crash and was on the track to become a Navy Seal. I just feel like FML right now.

[smackie9]

I suggest you seek out a professional marriage couselor. He is just confused right now, and Im sure as he works through it with a conselor he can come to terms with your relationship past and be able to move forward. It's worth a shot dont you think?

A bunch of stranger on the internet couldnt possibley give you any magic solutions. Seeking professional help is the only way.

[oldskool83]

2 options, get counsiling with him or devoriced, sorry only way. im 27 divorced since 23...

[Wakeup]

Go to counceling on your own. Hopefully it will give you the strength to leave before you start to shrival up completely and come to find that you have zero joy in life.

He won't see a counselor with me. I don't think he takes marriage or me seriously. He said to me work is his number 1 priority, and he feels like we are just living in a house together at this point. He said I come after work, and that's that. He is, and knows, he's always been my #1.

This is a one sided relationship and you're in this trying to fix a man who is totally broken. Surely you must have seen some of this apathy and indifference to you prior to tying the knot?

This man has huge mental and emotional problems by the way you paint a picture of him and I just cannot believe that he didn't show you any red flags prior to your marrying him.

On Edit:

I feel as if I've been working this entire relationship to get him over my past, and to show him that I love only him and that the past doesn't matter to me. In his head,

I see. You know what, I'm sorry but you knew this man had major issues with you and your past "the entire relationship" yet you went ahead and married him anyway. WTF would you do that? I repeat... get that therapy for yourself so you have help figuring yourself out. Let his apathy lay there without you nagging him about it until you have fixed you and figure out why you needed to marry someone who didn't accept you for who you were. (which is none of his ****ing business. however; he should have left you if it bothered him so much but he's too codependent and fkd up to make that effort so he'd rather keep you and mentally and emotionally and verbally abuse you instead) The two of you are riddled.

You don't need to seek counseling, he does.

Sorry, I don't usually disagree with you most times but I totally disagree with that. They BOTH are in need.

[devonbrown]

Just a couple things:

- You said at the beginning of your original post that you are not ready to go into marriage counseling yet? Why not?
- He has unrealistic view about sex and your past that he never dealt with before you were married, so he needs to deal with them now.
- He has bottled up a lot of things and finally let it all out. Now that it is out, it needs to be dealt with. Again, I ask why not marriage counseling?
- You are not a saint in this, ashangel. The fact that you say that you put him above everything, including yourself, is not healthy. You need to love yourself first and foremost and have interests outside of a relationship for a relationship to function.
- Some of the things he said were probably out of pure emotion and not very well expressed. You need to talk to him calmly and rationally. Again, marriage counseling might help with this.

Good luck.

[ashangel]

Thanks for the input everyone. I will seek counseling that will hopefully help me to look at and deal with things in a healthy way. I know I have to. I DO think marriage counseling would be beneficial, but he absolutely refuses to do it because he says it's a waste of time and we don't need it. Honestly, 90% of the time, we're great. This is something that became front and center after we got married, not something that's been at the forefront since day 1. In our first year or so as a couple, he would bring it up. For the past 3 years solid, it hasn't been a point of discussion. Apart from the sexual selfishness on his part, he's never brought this up until this month. He said getting married and realizing how binding it is is what has made him think of the past and the issues he has with me. Yes, I realize there are what can be called red flags. This was never a make-or-break topic in our relationship, it was something we had rifts about in the beginning and that hasn't been brought up. However, I will admit I always sensed it. I honestly thought it would improve with maturity and him realizing how lucky we are, because we really are. I also realize it's unhealthy to put all of your energy into 1 person, and while I wrote it as if I sit around and stare at him all day, doting on his beck and call, it's not that way. I do have my own life, I just allow him to control it more than I should. Another reason I should seek counseling. I'm less upset about what he said and more upset that he let it wait until AFTER we got married to bring it up and the vocabulary that he uses which is so degrading and clearly lacking in respect for me which worries me for our future. The content of what he said is really his issue to deal with, because I do not know how to fix how he feels towards me since it seems all I try is failing. An apology and a loooooong honest talk would be the first step. I feel I did nothing wrong, and he is acting as if I did which I think is a defense mechanism. I don't know. Maybe I should be the one to start the discussion. I'm deciding if I should go stay with my parents or try to talk it out with him tonight.

[Wakeup]

Maybe I should be the one to start the discussion. I'm deciding if I should go stay with my parents or try to talk it out with him tonight.

Here's an idea, how about you talk to him openly and calmly and use lots of "I" type words to explain your wants/needs/emotional desires and don't use too many "You" words like: You don't do this and You don't do that and when You do this You make this happen. Then when you're all finished, tell him how if things don't improve and he can't learn to forgive and forget the past (which had nothing to do with him) then you will be leaving him and the home will have to be sold and the proceeds split. That you will be going to counceling to learn to stop trying to control outcomes and to garner the strength to leave people who don't appreciate and love you for who you are and what you do for them. Mean what you say.

End of discussion unless he wants to tell you what he'll try to do to get over himself and be a decent human being, never mind husband.

* I do wish you luck and strength and acceptance that things must come to an end if he continues to make no effort.

[devonbrown]

You are married. There is no reason for you not to begin the conversation. A marriage is something that BOTH of you have to work on, his language and disrespectful behavior notwithstanding. Bring it up, but talk about it maturely and calmly. When things start to get too emotional, slow the conversation back down. Don't let it spiral out of control or it will not work.

As for an apology by him, wait until you have gotten through your conversations. He doesn't think he should apologize right now, and he might need to see what he has done wrong first.

As for him thinking marriage counseling is a waste of time and that you two don't need it, ask him how you moving out to live with your parents is going to make the marriage any better. Let him know that it is something that you are taking seriously, even if he isn't. But if he loves you and the marriage, then he needs to consider ALL options, including counseling to make it better.

[maxmax]

Jekyll and Hyde.

Make sure he doesn't become an abusive husband.

Oh wait, he already has.

Why marriage transfrms people like that I don't know, but they must have some serious character/personality flaws.

There isn't much you can do. It is up to him to decide how he wants to deal with this; either start treating you with respect and make the marriage work.

Give it some time to see if he calms down and becomes more rational.

[ashangel]

wakeup, devon and max, thank you for your input - it is extremely helpful. i may type up a letter to give him so he can read it before our talk - i want to write it in the most constructive way possible to communicate how i feel effectively. i'm nervous that if i just go into a discussion with him, i won't say what i mean or it won't come out right and we'll end up arguing.

you've all been so helpful and given me the boost of confidence i need. thank you so much!!!!

[Wakeup]

Good luck, Ash. I'm not so sure about the letter thing as you two need to learn how to communicate without verbally abusing one another but I suppose if it opens up the dialogue then it is better than no discussion whatsoever.

Let us know how you make out.

[HeartIsAching]

Go to counceling on your own. Hopefully it will give you the strength to leave before you start to shrival up completely and come to find that you have zero joy in life.

This is a one sided relationship and you're in this trying to fix a man who is totally broken. Surely you must have seen some of this apathy and indifference to you prior to tying the knot?

This man has huge mental and emotional problems by the way you paint a picture of him and I just cannot believe that he didn't show you any red flags prior to your marrying him.

On Edit: I see. You know what, I'm sorry but you knew this man had major issues with you and your past "the entire relationship" yet you went ahead and married him anyway. WTF would you do that? I repeat... get that therapy for yourself so you have help figuring yourself out. Let his apathy lay there without you nagging him about it until you have fixed you and figure out why you needed to marry someone who didn't accept you for who you were. (which is none of his ****ing business. however; he should have left you if it bothered him so much but he's too codependent and fkd up to make that effort so he'd rather keep you and mentally and emotionally and verbally abuse you instead) The two of you are riddled.

Sorry, I don't usually disagree with you most times but I totally disagree with that. They BOTH are in need.

Yeah, you're right.