looking for opinions/advice

[Southern_Bella]

Does a man who is truly in love with someone maintain an active profile on a dating website? In every other aspect of our relationship his words and actions show him to be completely devoted to me. Why would he keep checking that profile? We've been together, though not living together, for over 2 years, and we're like best friends. We can talk about almost anything else openly, honestly, and like adults. But any time I've mentioned it or asked about it he gets very defensive and irritated, and I remain clueless as to why. Can someone help me understand why he would feel the need to do this?

[Cain]

If my girlfriend had a profile that she checked regularly on a dating website and she wouldn't remove it, I'd be breaking up with her. People are only on dating websites for one reason.

[bluesummer]

Huge red flag, sorry. I met my bf online, and after he met me he never checked his page again. I checked.

Sounds to me like he's keeping his 'options open'. If he's getting mad at you for asking, it's called BEING DEFENSIVE. That should concern you. A lot.

[zoso]

He could really enjoy flirting with girls online, and not want to give it up. The rush you get from flirting, he could just be addicted to that.

But that's one of the more innocent options.

On the flip-side, as stated above, he could want to keep his options opens. Bad sign.
Although, if he has stayed for you for two years, I don't know that that is the case. He would have probably left you sooner.

Try and approach him in a very non-threatening way. Ask why he still checks his profile, and whys he still has one. If you're not mad about it, make sure he knows that. Just say you're curious. Try not to accuse him of anything, or else it will just turn into him being defensive and you walled out.

[bluesummer]

Even so, he shouldn't be fliritng online with anyone. That's equivalent to cheating as far as I'm concerned, because it shows the same amount of disrespect. It's also the first step towards cheating. So the behaviour is not acceptable on any level.

[Cain]

I agree. I think flirting while you're in a relationship is tacky and disrespectful.

[Southern_Bella]

ok, I know it's going to sound stupid, even stalkerish, but I didn't buy the "reading the forums" or checking messages from old friends excuse. I feel horrible for doing this, but my sis created a profile on this site, and sent him a message. she even made a reference to why some lucky gal hadn't snapped him up yet. he responded to that message, telling this 'woman' she was beautiful, he's shy, and he'd love to hear from her again! so much for completely devoted. I feel bad for the spying, but I had to know, and now I do. I'm the backup, until something better, or better looking, comes along. and not bragging, but I'm a fairly attractive woman, who's done all I can to make sure he feels loved, wanted, etc. I can't understand where I went wrong with this one, or why he'd be looking for someone else. Thanks for the advice guys. Looks like you were right. I've been duped.

[Cain]

ok, I know it's going to sound stupid, even stalkerish, but I didn't buy the "reading the forums" or checking messages from old friends excuse. I feel horrible for doing this, but my sis created a profile on this site, and sent him a message. she even made a reference to why some lucky gal hadn't snapped him up yet. he responded to that message, telling this 'woman' she was beautiful, he's shy, and he'd love to hear from her again! so much for completely devoted. I feel bad for the spying, but I had to know, and now I do. I'm the backup, until something better, or better looking, comes along. and not bragging, but I'm a fairly attractive woman, who's done all I can to make sure he feels loved, wanted, etc. I can't understand where I went wrong with this one, or why he'd be looking for someone else. Thanks for the advice guys. Looks like you were right. I've been duped.

While it might have been sneaky, I would have done the same thing. Sometimes you just need to be sure and I feel that is just the same as going somewhere to see whether your bf or gf is doing what they said they are doing. You have to be sure nowadays. Just make sure you break up with the asshole and don't listen to "I'll never do it again."

[Rosie]

I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. I really hope you find someone better.

[Southern_Bella]

thanks guys. it helps to know I'm not being paranoid or just a jealous girlfriend. in fact, after this, I'm not going to be any type of girlfriend to him lol. call me selfish, but I want a man who's satisfied with the attention and affection he gets from me, and doesn't feel the need to seek it from multiple females to boost his ego.

[Cain]

thanks guys. it helps to know I'm not being paranoid or just a jealous girlfriend. in fact, after this, I'm not going to be any type of girlfriend to him lol. call me selfish, but I want a man who's satisfied with the attention and affection he gets from me, and doesn't feel the need to seek it from multiple females to boost his ego.

That's not selfish at all. It's expected that when someone is in a relationship, they aren't out trying to get attention from others of the opposite gender just to boost their ego.

[someonelse]

This should have been a given. You shouldn't even need to ask. And the fact that he gets mad O.o majoy red flag.

[Southern_Bella]

ok, I know what I have to do. Part two now of my post/problem. How best to confront and end it with him? I know it's best to do this in person, but I also know this man. He won't react in a scary or dangerous way, but he won't be willing to let go, if he thinks there's any way to deny it and talk himself back into my good graces. Should I bust him out as the "other woman", so there's no way he can deny or excuse it, then just end it? This needs to be done asap, because I know my heart's going to need major time to recover from this. I want a clean break, not him trying to hang on to his backup plan.

[bluesummer]

I would tell him what you and your sister did so he knows you have cold hard proof. Who cares if he knows what you did? It just proves you're smarter than he is. It'll also make him feel like a complete jackass, because often half the thrill of it for these guys is thinking that they're being all slick and sneaky, and no one can figure out what they're up to.

Also be prepared for him to use the defense that you 'baited' him. Don't buy it.