Feeling Foolish

[scorpque]

I’ve been dating an older woman for 6 months. She’s 46, I’ll be 30 in a few months.
I admit, I’m in love with her. Despite my age, nearly everyone that encounters me considers me “wiser beyond years.” I’ve been married and divorced, I’ve had a lot of life experiences, etc. etc…

In my heart, I know she loves me. I can honestly say that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Our relationship, overall, is beautiful. She is everything I would want in a mate, partner, and spouse.

There’s just two problems….

(1) She is uncomfortable with the age difference. Roughly 90% of the time, age is not an issue with her. However, the other 10% of the time it bothers her. She avoids going to certain areas of town with me out of fear of someone she knows recognizing her out with a younger guy. She avoids P.D.A for that very reason. Although I have met several of her friends, they don’t know definitively that we are a couple. My GF will not deny or confirm her friend’s questions about me. She has two children (aged 18 and 20). I have only met her younger child. My GF says she’s not ready to introduce me to her older son as her BF.

(2) The second issue is complicated. When we first started dating, she explained to me the fact that her ex-fiance was leaving in her house. I accepted her initial description of the situation. He fell on REALLY hard times right after the break up and she felt obligated to help him. He slept on the couch in the basement, they rarely communicated, it was understood that the relationship was over. He was only there until he got back on his feet. It was explained to me that the relationship had ended approx 4 years before me and intimacy ended about 2 years before me. I accepted that based on those premises, despite my unhappiness with the situation. I trusted her and still believe in what she said was true. She has a good heart and doesn’t like to hurt people. (Reasons I love her). But now the situation is different. He repeatedly makes passes at her, pleas to her to get back together, he admitted to her he does have other places he could be, and the last straw for me: he lied on me saying that I’m out here bragging to other people about me and my GF’s sex life.

Because of these two reasons, I’m not allowed to go over her house. I’ve been inside her home twice and never made it past the kitchen. She still refuses to make him leave. She contends that he’ll leave on his own and she’s not the type of person to “hurt someone just to please someone else.” I feel like she’s being disrespectful by allowing this to continue. I don’t think she’s hiding anything, but my paranoia is kicking in. I’ve been hurt by women before and don’t want it to happen again. I feel like a fool, but I’m in love and I choose to trust her. I don’t want to end things YET. I’m trying to be patient and allow things to work out. I just want her to see things my way and recognize that this isn’t appropriate or helpful to our relationship. She says I should just be patient, enjoy what we have, and allow our relationship to develop more. I feel like I’m not truly valued by her and that she may ultimately not respect me.

[vashti]

Yes, I can see why you are feeling foolish. I don't know what else could motivate her to behave this way except that she doesn't appear to be taking your relationship as seriously as you do.

[IncognitoSir]

She says I should just be patient, enjoy what we have, and allow our relationship to develop more. I feel like I’m not truly valued by her and that she may ultimately not respect me.

She's telling you how you should feel. Thats NO GOOD. This is not what you want in a relationship. You're constantly making adjustments which is typical in any healthy relationship, but this should be a shared characteristic for both of you. Her ex should not be effecting you in such a way. It's bout time you stand up for what YOU want. If she would rather end the relationship than kick her ex fiance out then that proves she doesn't love you as much as she says she does. I bet she wouldn't stick around with you if your ex fiance was sleeping in basement and begging you to get back with her...