repeating trends in my relationships - insight?

[jennifer.c]

I've noticed lately that a few of my dating experiences have taken the same exact path:

The beginning: we meet and hit it off. guy is absolutely nuts about me, he makes all the first moves and when I accept continues to reiterate how strongly he feels throughout, say, the first month. I'm a little overwhelmed but also flattered and since I like him a lot too I don't hold back any feelings that might come to me. Things progress pretty fast.

The middle: We get to know each other more, and since I have every reason to believe he's in this for real, I let my feelings grow. Everything is awesome. He doesn't act as intensely enamored as before but still happy, and I just assume he's getting more comfortable with me.

The end: After a few months, he totally out of the blue calls and tells me I'm not what he's looking for and that it's over for him. I'm crushed because I was just starting to feel strongly and to my knowledge everything was going great. There is virtually no decline. Things go from perfect to non-existent in one conversation and then we never speak again.

I've tried to look at what I could have done to cause this but I really don't get it. Could this be a problem with me that I just don't realize? Or could it be that I tend to attract a certain type of guy that's passionate but ultimately confused and flaky?

[Guybrush]

What I can read is that there is enough attraction to support a relationship during the infatuation stage. But once that is starting to wear off, your guy is starting to feel some kind of incompatibility between your personalities. I know this is kind of stating the obvious, but you have not given us very much to work on in terms of understanding how you and your guys typically (don't) match up.

Is it always completely out of the blue?

And, the last time this happened, was that recent?

[bleucandle]

I will tell you exactly whats going on. They're reading the situation; each situation, as an opportunity, and unfortunately you fall right into the age old practice of "believing" what these boys are telling you. Look, you want to belong with someone; nothing wrong with that. Where you go wrong is you put too much skin(pardon the pun) in the deal, and all bets are off as soon as they get what they want.

Some guys just hit and skip, others stick around long enough to be annoyed by the infatuation; and still the other kind, might actually find greater interest in what you have to offer besides your body, and those are the ones, not all of them, just one, that you should save your body for. Stop giving your love away to "sweet nothings" The love you save, might just be your own.

You've got to "up" your worth, I'm certainly not saying you aren't worth anything, I'm only saying, evaluate what you attract. If you meet these men in bars, stop doing that. Meet one at a book store or coffee shop, the wrong ones might there, too...but you HAVE GOT TO try different things...don't rush to fall for a guy, give it some time...appreciate your single-hood...and I guess one other thing...stop looking..let it find you, develop you.

[jennifer.c]

What I can read is that there is enough attraction to support a relationship during the infatuation stage. But once that is starting to wear off, your guy is starting to feel some kind of incompatibility between your personalities. I know this is kind of stating the obvious, but you have not given us very much to work on in terms of understanding how you and your guys typically (don't) match up.

Is it always completely out of the blue?

And, the last time this happened, was that recent?

Yeah, I guess I haven't given much to work with haha. During the best times, we get along incredibly well, have good conversations, and usually seem to have a lot in common. He says he tells all his friends about me and blah blah. Each time it ended pretty suddenly and I wasn't sensing any problems - except in retrospect, maybe that he seemed a little.. I don't know, bored toward the end? Like there would be silences, and I would think they were comfortable silences, but maybe for him they weren't. Sometimes we'd have nothing to do or nowhere to go (hey, my town is pretty boring) and he would seem unhappy about it.

One guy said we had nothing in common, which was actually pretty true, and I also have the feeling he thought I was boring. The second time, the guy said it was because he felt awkward around me in public, like I guess he wished I were more outgoing. The most recent guy, with whom I had EVERYTHING in common and the very best conversations, refused to tell me anything about why and blamed it all on himself because he felt really bad. He said he needed to be single, but when I asked him honestly if it was me, he kind of avoided the question. For the record, he'd told me he'd dumped his girlfriend of two years in a very similarly abrupt manner. This one ended about 4 months ago.

[bleucandle]

Yeah, that guy isnt being honest with you even still. He's playing the card of misdirection...but not taking the hit on himself directly...Basically he's saying he isnt interested anymore. I wonder why? D-ckhead. If he can't tell you what the issue is, why would you want to waste the time. He's afraid to speak his mind; how can he be a leader and a champion for anybody?

[jennifer.c]

I will tell you exactly whats going on. They're reading the situation; each situation, as an opportunity, and unfortunately you fall right into the age old practice of "believing" what these boys are telling you. Look, you want to belong with someone; nothing wrong with that. Where you go wrong is you put too much skin(pardon the pun) in the deal, and all bets are off as soon as they get what they want.

Some guys just hit and skip, others stick around long enough to be annoyed by the infatuation; and still the other kind, might actually find greater interest in what you have to offer besides your body, and those are the ones, not all of them, just one, that you should save your body for. Stop giving your love away to "sweet nothings" The love you save, might just be your own.

You've got to "up" your worth, I'm certainly not saying you aren't worth anything, I'm only saying, evaluate what you attract. If you meet these men in bars, stop doing that. Meet one at a book store or coffee shop, the wrong ones might there, too...but you HAVE GOT TO try different things...don't rush to fall for a guy, give it some time...appreciate your single-hood...and I guess one other thing...stop looking..let it find you, develop you.

Thank you, that's good advice, I probably just need to guard myself more and not let myself get feelings involved so quick. The only thing is, call me naive, but I don't think these guys were lying to me for the sake of "skin". I met them all through school or friends. Only one of them I did anything with, and that was actually right off the bat and he stuck around after anyway (long distance, too, so a lot of effort with literally no physical trade-off except during visits). They've all been very genuine about their feelings, people would tell me how happy they were, I could see it in their demeanor and they weren't all, like, calm-collected smooth-talkers, they were normal guys who really seemed to believe they found something good in us only to change their minds once the honeymoon wore off.

But other than that you're right. I do have a problem with investing too much too quick when things seem good. There's a guy I'm seeing right now who seems to really like me, and while the scenario with him is WAY different than the others (it "found me", like you said, it took time for me to even consider him an option) I'm worried it will go the same way so I'm trying to protect myself while also hopefully not making whatever mistakes I made with the others.

[jennifer.c]

Yeah, that guy isnt being honest with you even still. He's playing the card of misdirection...but not taking the hit on himself directly...Basically he's saying he isnt interested anymore. I wonder why? D-ckhead. If he can't tell you what the issue is, why would you want to waste the time. He's afraid to speak his mind; how can he be a leader and a champion for anybody?

Yeah, he promised to be friends too, and I made an effort and was met with literally none back from him. I don't know what his deal was at all.

[bleucandle]

I've only been here for a very short time; but I see that there are some sharp minds and good hearts to get a few words from, and as long as you put up some safeguards for your own emotionally well-being, you'll see the underlying theme of the guys you get involved with. Take care of yourself, Jc

[chaz_b]

Jennifer, I sympathise. I have this pattern too. And they give you all the signs they are falling too, so you feel 'safe' to reveal your feelings. It's almost like you always have to keep that emotional guard up! It's exhausting being colder when you're a warm and loving person. But my friends have all told me, I fall too quickly. I wish I didn't. I wish I had the beauty and confidence to play hard to get and know he will keep coming back for more. But if I am being honest, I always find they walk. i don't know if it makes you feel any better... but Michelle advised me the same; go and concentrate on ME. And I think that is going to mean a year of being single and then moving abroad alone.

[VincenzoG91]

Yeah, he promised to be friends too, and I made an effort and was met with literally none back from him. I don't know what his deal was at all.

His penis wanted to be friends with your vagina.