Engagement? Question for the guys

[Ameera]

I have been in a serious committed relationship with a man for almost a year now (he is 31 and I am in my mid-twenties), and I have realised that he really is the love of my life. So of course, I am feeling ready to get engaged this year.

Basically, we have briefly discussed marriage on a few occasions over the past couple of months. The first time I casually asked him what his parents would say if we got married in my home country. He did not act surprised at all by the question, and responded in a nice and calm manner that it might be difficult for his elderly relatives and parents to travel far for our wedding. Then he asked me what my family would think of coming here to the UK for a wedding.

The second time was a few weeks later, when I asked him: "If we were to get engaged, would you want to pick the ring yourself or would you want me to tell you of my preferences?" Again, he did not seem so surprised by the question, instead he smiled and said that he would want to pick it himself because he knows he would pick 'a good one' (his own words), although it would be okay if I dropped hints.

This sounds rather promising, doesn't it? However, a few weeks ago I asked him directly if he thinks I am someone he can see himself marrying, and he simply responded that he didn't know because he hadn't really though about it (!?!). This got me quite upset, and the following day I told him that I felt stupid and embarrassed for asking that question, and that I now was worred that we wanted different things from the relationship. He said that I shouldn't feel stupid, and that 'I did not say that we don't want the same thing'.

He has also said since then that he sees himself with me in 20 years.

At the moment I am a bit worried about bringing up the topic again, so I have decided to leave it for now and wait for him to bring it up when he feels ready to talk about it again.

Does it seem to you guys that he is interested in getting engaged to me at some point? I should also point out that we do not currently live together. It would be nice to get a guy's perspective on this. Furthermore, he was engaged to his ex-girlfriend, but he told me that the only reason he proposed was because they were having massive problems and he thought an engagement would fix it...

[girl68]

What he means is not that he doesn't see a future it means he hasn't thought about the how, the when, the where etc. Us ladies have it all figured out and planned in our heads. Men do not. And that's what he means he hasn't thought about the wedding.

[Ameera]

Thank you for your input

Of course, I do realise that it takes longer for men to feel ready to get engaged. A male friend of mine said it took him 7 months from he starting thinking about asking his girlfriend to marry him until he actually popped the question.

And more importantly, I know that something great is worth waiting for, so I don't feel the need to get engaged right now. I just want to know that him and I are on the same page here

[QueenofCorona]

Maybe because I'm older but I don't put a time table on the "right time" for anything anymore. If you are happy, and he is then thats all that matters now the way I see it. Yes, the long term goals: marriage and kids, those are important to be on the same page about but don't rush it unless you want him to bail or end up divorced. I know too many girls I went to high school and college with who HAD to be married by this date and are divorced or in horrible marriages. Communicate but don't stress and pressure things.

[Ameera]

Thank you QueenofCorona

One of the reasons marriage is on my mind a lot these days is because most of his friends are married, so we are basically the only unmarried couple in the group. Two of the couples got married last year and he brought me to the weddings wit him, which I though was really adorable of him.

And I should also point out that I am not interested in rushing marriage. Both of us have other priorities at the moment; he is looking for a better job and wants to buy a house, while I am also focussing on my career. So I am well aware that we won't get married for at least another two years, which I am fine with. The question is just whether that's what he wants. My gut feeling is telling me that this relationship is really going somewhere, but of course his statement that he had not thought about it made me think that perhaps I've been wrong.

[cmacattack1]

While you may not intend to put any pressure on the situation, you may inadvertently be doing so. A year is not that long in the big scheme of things so try not to get too ahead of yourself. My ex girlfriend told me she loved me after a month and that we were going to get married and everything and it scared the shit out of me even though I went along with it at the time. Was I not being honest with how I felt? Yes. I just hope you let the relationship continue along of it's own volition and let it progress naturally. Not that my situation is comparable to yours, just an example. Try not to forget that while it is the long term goal, that right now it is about enjoying each other's company. The longer you guys date, the more solidified your bond becomes, the more you get to know each other, the more likely things will work out. You guys can cross that bridge when you come to it. When he's ready, he will let you know.

[Lite]

Man, all the women telling you what's going on in his head in the ask a male forum. What's the point in us asking.

Frankly, he'll ask when and if he's ready to. Stating that you're ready to get engaged this year really doesn't mean anything at all unless you're going to ask him. Maybe he's thought about it, maybe he's thought a lot about it, or maybe he's just not keen on the idea. Pondering the idea of marriage, and actually feeling ready to shackle yourself to a woman for life are two completely different things. Marriage is scary for a guy. If the marriage ends badly you'll likely take half or more of the belongings/money in the relationship. If there are kids you'll likely get custody and he'll have to pay child support. Women dream and plan about their wedding day from about the time they're 5. Guys dread and fear their wedding day from about the same time.

What was it the book on what to expect when you're getting married (for men). Ah yes. "The dictionary defines a groom as a man or boy in the employ of caring for horses. Now, brides-to-be will tell you that the proper term is bridegroom, but you get the point. As the man a wedding is something that happens to you, not for you."

It's great that you know what you want, now's the part where you have to understand that just because you are somewhere emotionally, your partner may not be. This could be for any number of reasons, from the fact that you leave dirty used q-tips lying about to he cannot afford the ring he feels you deserve as an engagement gift. The question you have to ask yourself is, how long are you willing to wait for him to ask and is that time a reasonable one or one based upon your own arbitrary desires?

Having been in this situation before, if another woman ever started making me feel pressured to ask her to marry her "or else", the "or else" would be me kicking her ass to the curb. Either nut up and ask him yourself, or wait patiently, or leave him. Those are your choices, it's your life. Choose one.

[girl68]

Ever thought that maybe I've been in the very same situation as her. I've had the very intimidating talk about this very subject? I know becasue I've been here. I know what he's thinking because he's told me. Our stories are mirrored.

[QueenofCorona]

Man, all the women telling you what's going on in his head in the ask a male forum. What's the point in us asking.

I guess I missed the "Show your penis/vag at the door before posting" sign. My bad.

[sookie6]

I'm thinking about all the married couples around me and I don't want to paint a black picture here but it appears that most times men propose when they are afraid to lose their gfriend and not when things are going well.

I am unmarried but still was proposed twice

First time I was at the end of my tether with my partner. A very indecisive man? We wer living together for a while, age 26-27 but we were growing apart the last year. I tried to discuss where all this was headed to no avail.
We broke up. I moved out TEMPORARILY to do some thinking. Someone else asked me out and without realising it I began dating someone completely different from my ex.
Thing is as soon as my ex heard I was seeing someone else he invited me for dinner and proposed...only he was probably very late.

Second time I was proposed. Similar scenario. I was finding it very difficult to talk to my partner about the future. He was being very allusive and edgy about it. We broke up. I went back home which was in a different country. He freaked out and send me a letter proposing.

In both cases I was not trying to blackmail or anything...proof is when I had gone it was a definite decision, the realisation that they did not love me enough to take a chance with me. So really it was not some trick to obtain marriage.

In my mind if a relationship goes on a year or more it is headed to mariage and then kids. Some people are against mariage, it's their right butthey should say so at the very start.

At some point I started to wonder how do people get married. This is what I got:

- my sister and her partner (together for 6 years, now a daughter) not married but they have some sort of legal contract going on (a French thing)
-Friend A 's marriage: she was pregnant at her wedding
-Friend B: they got married as the bride's mother would not let them live together unless they are married
-Friend C: they already had a kid and she kept moaning and moaning till he proposes ( the groom's own words)
-Friend D: they married as she would not continuie the realtionship otherwise (she had young kids and wanted to give them structure and security)
Friend E: they had to get married otherwise she would go back to China

I am thinking hard and really I can't think of people who got married just because they were in love , for the beauty of it!!

Do you know people like that? I mean for those who got married, why did they propose?

[Gigabitch]

I am thinking hard and really I can't think of people who got married just because they were in love , for the beauty of it!!

Do you know people like that? I mean for those who got married, why did they propose?

I did. Not the first time, but the second time.

I agree that a lot of men tend to propose when they think they're going to lose their girl. This doesn't work out so well. Marriage only works when both people actually want to be married, and not only that, want to be married to each other. You can't force that.

[Chupacabras]

Speaking of, is there any way to get the gender tags back on poster replies?

Girl, you post in just about every ask a male thread, usually within the first couple responses... no reason to get all buttsore because Lite called you on it.

[Gigabitch]

Frankly, I wouldn't be sorry if "Ask a Male" and "Ask a Female" just went away.

I liked the gender tags too.

[girl68]

Frankly I don't give a shit what forum it's posted in. Honestly I don't even look where it's posted I go to new threads and post at will.

[Ameera]

My ex girlfriend told me she loved me after a month and that we were going to get married and everything and it scared the shit out of me even though I went along with it at the time.

I can definately see why that would scare you off a bit A guy I once dated told me he loved me after a week. BIG turn-off!

However, my boyfriend and I did not tell each other that we loved each other until we had dated for five months, which I don't think is too soon. It is only over the past couple of months we have started briefly discussing marriage, but as I said I don't intend to bring up the subject again until he does.

Also, a few months ago my boyfriend went with me to my home country to meet my parents. I suppose he wouldn't have done that if he wasn't serious about a future ?