Help.. I need some opinions and encouragement

[Valkesh]

Hi all, my girlfriend just dumped me 3 days ago and I feel lost... but before I go into my feelings I want to explain what happened.

Around a month ago, (well 2 months ago) .. after nearly 2 years together, her attitude towards me changed since she joined this new company/workplace. I was ok at first, thinking that it was just the stress and loads of work you get when you first get a new job, so we practically met, but she used to fall asleep all the time whenever we met.

Every now and then it got better, but overall she was always tired in the evenings, and we used to just stay infront of the tv or on the bed, talking about our day, and how we cant wait to go on our holiday this summer. As time passed the situation got worse, and I felt she lost interest in me, when one day I found out that she had been chatting with a guy from her workplace all day, and even that night, when she was tired, i told her, let me go so that you can have an early night... apparently she went back to chat with him.. the following day I found out, since she used to use my laptop and that morning as I opened my laptop it opened up her email account, I saw these chat conversations but didnt bother to check and see what they were about, the fact that there was a conversation all day, and after I left as well had pissed me off.. so I phoned her and told her to see what she's gonna do about this because I couldnt take it.. she said she was sorry and that she wouldnt do it again. A week later, I had my suspects again, but she kept reassuring me that she wasnt doing anything similar, until I caught her again.. and from that day we had a huge argument since I thought/felt I was cheated on, or being cheated on by someone else.. because I find it unfair that she never had the energy for me but after I left her house in the evening she gets back on to chat with this guy.

She told me he's just a friend, and after I said ok, I just agreed with it that I might be paranoid, even though I believe that if your partner truly loves you they will stop doing something that would annoy you.. but anyway I was trying to stop being possessive. The following day we met, and she said she'd like to take a break to think things over... and to cut the story short, we met a week later and wanted to tell me its over, but as soon as she saw me waiting in the car for her she changed her mind... we talked a lot and had fun and decided to give it another try, until 3 days ago, when she woke up in the morning and I phoned her as I usually do and she told me she needed to talk to me like adults that day... I knew what was coming and it hurt me a lot... when we met she gave me the hints that she wanted to break up, and I found it strange because in these 3 weeks she kept on telling me how much she loved me, how amazing I am, how much fun she is having.. so I feel I was taken for a ride... 3 days ago she forced me to bring out the words .. 'so you're breaking up with me?' .. and she said thats the only solution.. she woke up numb, thinking about the argument of a month ago.. which she cant get over.. she said she still has feelings for me, and the reason why she wanted to meet and talk is becaus she loved and cared for me

I am confused, I love her to bits.. I can go into much more detail to explain many other things but I can tell you that our relationship was very special and everyone knew that we had something great, her mother even told me that she was glad that I was the one to be her boyfriend after all she went through. My girlfriend (now ex) also said that I am a great guy and that I deserve better than her... but I want her, I still want her back and Im not angry at her.. I miss her terribly, and am willing to wait for her if she comes back...

I would appreciate any advise because I need a lot of people to talk to, who went through something similar... I know most of you are all gonna tell me to move on, but I cant.. I keep dreaming about her and everything I do I just picture it with her because of everything we spent together. I am keeping myself busy, and going out with a good friend of mine who was always there for me, but I still want her to come back... please, I know im wrong in saying that I should be hopeful, but is there a chance that she will come? .. I loved her company, I did everything for her, and people say that I loved her more than I love myself, so its hurting me a lot, because we always spoke of the future we will be having together! .. I am heart broken

[mrman256]

When she was saying all that stuff about 'I love you' before she broke up with you she was trying to do that annoying girl thing of softening the blow before a breakup. What girls don't realise is that it heightens a sense of security before ripping it all away at once. It's kind of poo. I felt taken for a ride when a girl did that for me. Just remember they say it with good intentions.

It's okay for her to talk to other guys and stuff but I agree with you it is definatley a problem if she does it behind your back after she said that she wouldn't. That is just a surefire way to destroy trust.

I don't know what to say about getting her back. Most likely there was stuff wrong with your relationship which you probably didn't realise was an issue. If your lucky in a few years time you will understand what happened. The main point was you would have to figure out these issues and that may take time, it could take years. But if you like her that much then it will only be a short wait. During that time it would be best to let stuff cool off and I wouldn't talk to her. Also you may have to accept the hard truth that she might be into this other guy. In which case that's fine because it may not work out. Then she may come crawling back. You have to keep an open mind about these things. Hope this helps.

[Valkesh]

Thanks for your reply.

I agree that it will take time, and that I cant keep in contact with her, else she will not get to 'miss me' .. but then I start to wonder if she does.. even though she sent my best friend an email so that he could take care of me, because she knows how miserable im feeling... but my friend just told me that I was too good for her, that she wanted to be the 'good one' and couldnt take it that I was being so nice to her, after the 3 bad previous relationships she had... she was always the one comforting her bf's, and this time she felt the tables changed, and my friend keeps telling me that she couldnt take it anymore, at least thats what he thinks

But when you see the picture like that, how can you let someone 'better' than you go away? without trying to stop them? .. I would be a fool to let someone I know is genuine run away from me, especially nowadays when all you hear about is how married couples get divorced at a young age.

On the night that we argued (the 1 month ago) she told me that she doesnt want me to go, she doesnt want some other bitch having my children, she wants my children.. so this is all making it worse for me, because i know she has feelings, and up till 3 days ago she still had, she was depressed seeing me that way, but said that she can never forget what happened? .. but i told her you forget with time, (not that i did anything wrong) .. but in these 3 weeks together she didnt think about it all the time, so it was progressing slowly slowly towards the better.... so im still numb at how all of a sudden she woke up feeling that way, when the night before we had been discussing the future/holiday etc .. her mum told me once that I made her a better person, and I used to hear her mum telling her that you should see your boyfriend as an example... they never liked her ex's.. but im scared that this time she portrayed a bad image of me, because they would have put some sense into her mind, or at least i would have heard from her mum i believe... and whenever i tell people about this tory, i simply tell them i want her back and that im not angry at her, and they are surprised, because they all tell me that she acted like a bitch... but i adored her, i did everything just to make her smile, i was always there for her... it just hurts when you know you did everything the right way

[JasonG]

She emotionally cheated on you, man. I've been there and it sucks. When your significant other does something like that to you it shows just how much they truly love, care, and respect you. She let her needs and temptations get the best of her and SHE chose to do that to you. It has nothing to do with what you did or how the relationship was going it was HER who chose to take this immature action. If things were not going well she could have sat down and talked with you about it and after that talk think long and hard about what to do and if making changes will be worth it. The thing is if you take her back wouldn't you feel like second best all the time? Some other guy could just come along and she'll swing into his arms and be totally using you. It hasn't been long since the breakup so do alot more thinking and you may come to realize getting back together with her may not be the best of ideas.

[Valkesh]

the fact that she studied psychology I think just made matters worse.. she blames me for ruining the relationship, and that she lost my trust.. but i dont believe that, i believe that you can build and solve everything if u talk about it... i dont believe in breaks, its just running away from the problem.... i just dont know what to do, id hate seeing her with some other guy, but then again i would like to see her with a guy that wont be anywhere close to me, the way i treated her... she admits that i treated her like a princess.. im just confused because the day she broke up with me she said i need to grow up and be mature? .. i told her i dont need to, but she's the one that needs to.. she said yes.. i need therapy as well... i dunno, i just felt they're all excuses just to throw me away

[JasonG]

You both made mistakes in the relationship. It's totally disrespectful to entirely blame it on you like as if she's all good. Your right, communication is essential in a relationship and is the key to solving your issues. The fact she emotionally cheated on you just shows how immature she is, man. She couldn't really sit down with you and talk about the relationship and if it wasn't going smooth just break it off. Instead she made sure some other guy was around and then split and fell into the arms of this guy so she doesn't have to deal with the aftermath. She's cutting corners and making mistakes of her own so don't worry she'll be learning the hard way one day.

[Doc Durian]

The OP has to move on. It's over... that's the definition of over.

[Valkesh]

but how can I move on when I am not angry at her? .. everyone keeps telling me that I should be.. and it would be easier to get over her if there was something that annoyed me of her, its very hard for me not to think about her since I still picture her as my girlfriend.. even though because its only been 4-5 days, but still, the fact that I am not angry now isnt helping me move on...

All I ask is, how long can it take for someone to forgive/forget? and does she need to go into a relationship with some other person to realise what she is missing out on, or even when she is single she could realise that mistake? .. and why do I keep saying/thinking that she will come back? everyone told me she wont.. so im scared that even if she realises that she made a mistake, she still wont come back, but then again i dont want to be the one that goes up to her and 'apologize' because then she'll know that im willing to take her back and she could hurt my feelings more

[Doc Durian]

You've given her all the power, the choice of whether things happen or not, again... after she cheated on you.

[Valkesh]

But she never did anything with this guy, or at least not that I know of.. i was just worried that she was starting something, but apparently she's not even going out with him since my best friend saw her going out with some other work mate (a girl) .. and when he spoke to her, she told him to take extra care of me, because she knew how I was feeling.. what does that mean?

[Erica2004]

Where are you Valkesh?? Do i need to come there and knock you around a few. I bet if you hung out with me and my friends for a day you would be going back to happy. I know that you may care for her but listen. A while back I met this guy and after him and i was dating he left me for a girl who was younger had no job no education missing teeth and a lil chunkie now he is engaged to her. He broke up with me 4 days before him and this girl made it official. And told me that he wasnt ready for a relationship. We have all been there in your situation and we have all gotten through it and take the advice from the people who have been through it. We are here to try and help you. Dont let yourself be miserable. Please

[Valkesh]

Its hard for me Erica, I understand that most people tell me that I can find someone better.. but being the first serious relationship, well 2nd, since the first relationship was when i was still 18 years old and lasted 2 months, and now Im 23 and this lasted nearly 3 years... it makes it hard for me, because when we were on break she said she missed me lots.. i dont know, its all confusing, i still want her back because im not ready to throw away all those years and memories together, because I know deep down what sort of person she is, and its only the past 1-2 months that she changed, because of her new job .. i dunno what to do, it scares me the fact that i need to go through all this process again with someone else, when i was extremely comfortable in this relationship... she was (and i still consider her) my best friend, every day we spoke about the future, about our engagement, marriage, children, what they might look like/character etc... everything was planned, till the night before we spoke bout such things so its hard, its all a big shock to me

Just out of curiousity Erica, since my best friend said so, but i do not agree with him.. he said, women never forget, unlike men.. but i dont believe that..

[Erica2004]

Wait you said your 23 years old?? Im soon to be 25 and I've been through so much crap in my life that no one should have to deal with. I was even married at one point and time and that only lasted 9 months cause of the things he did. Anyway back to the point. No offense but it sounds like her conversations with you and than breaking up with you it sounds like it was all a game to her and she was just so anxious to rush into life because she wants someone to take care of her because the thought of being alone sucks. have you tried dating other women??? why dont you try at least.... give other women a shot... or a night out with your friends to forget about all of this just for one night.

[Valkesh]

I tried, I went out with my friends yesterday.. I had lots of mixed feelings, since the friends I went out with are the ones I normally went out with when she was with me... everything I do I just picture her being there.. and when I went out yesterday I felt something was missing.. its killing me, its already bad enough I had a car accident last friday, 2 days before the breakup, when someone lost control and smashed right into the side of my car, and im very busy with work and was looking forward to the holiday.. so everything came just in the wrong time, which is making me feel worse..

I need someone to talk to, someone who went through it all, because everyone tells me to move on, but they cant really feel what im feeling... heh I would send you a private message but I dont have more than 15 posts

[Erica2004]

Hey yeah i tried the same thing and it says I needed 15 posts. lol. Do you have skype of yahoo messanger or hell even myspace??? Let me know. LIke I said its gonna be hard to get over this person but yes its gonna take time you cant just up and not think about this person. Hell I still think about my ex the one I truely cared about but Im at the point where I can still date someone else and everything.