So he walked out.... AM I WRONG??? I NEED HELP ASAP

[konphused]

Making it short as I can and I'm hoping for some REAL answers NOT some BS...

My husband has some issues due to an accident in Iraq during his tour there with the Military. He's got a lot of things wrong from the accident but the biggest is PTSD and all of it's inner workings that no1 will ever know... We've been together for about 5 years.

***HE'S NOT ABUSIVE!!!***
Before we go any further my husband is NO abusive to me or my children!!!!

Well today when he got home I was pretty upset because the kids lost something of mine that cost about a grand (kinda personal and no need for you to know). Well he came home today and I was quite upset about the whole thing, this has been going on since Friday with them losing my "thing"! I was outside smoking a cig and he came out and asked why I was so upset, so I told him and then HE got mad at ME saying how it was all MY fault and such.... Normal BS that goes along with his issues.... Well this time I started to cry I couldn't take it anymore because I was soo upset that it was lost/gone...

I decided to put the kids clothes away (2 kids under 5) and I walked in there (YES with an attitude) and said: Your kids need dinner get up and make it for them you've forgotten to feed the dog for the last 4 days I'm telling you to feed your kids NOW while I put their clothes away! -Yes I know that I was pissy but WTF he came home from work and had our little "tif" and then he goes back into his dungeon aka room and sits on the pc or sleeps ALL THE TIME...


Well this time was different! AFTER all the BS he didn't do shit but walk away like almost every man I've ever know... He looked right at me and said: You know what I'm done with you! I repiled: Good, now feed OUR kids!..... He stormed out to the kitchen and threw his wedding ring on the table and said bye to the kids who at this point were crying because they knew something was wrong and he left...

WTF why everytime we fight HE gets to leave ME with the kids!!! That's a story for a different day :-)


My question is:
Am I wrong for trying to get him to help me with chores around the house even though I stay home with the kids and he works??

When do you know it's time to leave??? Being unhappy isn't an answer either because even if you love someone to death you'll have your bad moments, and if you don't then I really don't wanna hear about it (right now LOL)

HOW do you deal with someone who has PTSD that you were married to BEFORE they came down with it?

How do I make this better (besides apololigize unless I'm wrong) for my children???

How do I tell them that the ring that they found is Daddy's and he's not coming back???





Lastly:
What oh what do I do when he comes back here???
-should I even unlock the door?
-let him in?
-tell him to go away?
-let him in for the kids and walk out til he's gone?


I'm at my end here and really trying to deal with his PTSD stuff and still be strong for my family and myself and it's not working anymore...



I'm still sitting here in tears because my kids are crying telling me that their daddy doesn't love them anymore and I'm trying to be vague with them on the whole thing because if this does "blow over" and even if it doesn't for that matter they don't need to know right now while we're all hot headed...



I could go on for hours typing about this and such but I'm really hoping for a response....

[vashti]

I've had two children under the age of 5. It can be incredibly difficult, which is why (I am sure) you sound so stressed out.

I think when this blows over, you shoud try to get a neighborhood girl to come in and help you out with the kids (mother's helper) a couple of days a week for a couple of hours. Look for a nice girl around 12 or 13 with younger siblings; they are more comfortable with young kids and won't cost as much as a regular babysitter because you would still be at home. This would give you a bit of time to spend on yourself or catching up with chores that need to be done around the house (cooking, laundry, etc.).

Also, try booking a babysitter once every week or two for you and your husband to go out without the kids.

I don't think it is unreasonable for your husband to want you to handle most of the household chores during the week (depending on the temperment of your children, of course). (On the weekends, you should work together.) However, I think it is wrong that he spends all his free time on the PC or whatever else he does. You need some help with the kids, and he needs to spend time bonding with them. Maybe you can negotiate this.

BTW - your kids are very young. They should not have access to things that are so valuable, and in that sense, it WAS your fault. No access means no loss. That's what you have to do with kids. Apologize to your husband for not being more responsible with whatever it was, and take full responsibility. For the record, I lost my engagement ring when my kids were little, so I know how you feel.

WTF why everytime we fight HE gets to leave ME with the kids!!!
....

I just want to say you should be REALLY careful with this attitude. You sound extremely resentful of your children, and kids are pretty good at catching on. None of this is their fault, and they deserve to feel wanted and loved, regardless of your husband's level of interaction.

[GrkScorp]

I'm hoping for some REAL answers NOT some BS...

Interesting you'd feel the need to state that explicitly.., as if to imply that by default.., you would expect BS answers instead of REAL answers..

But as you saw.., even though the name of the forum might be misleading.., and make you believe that you'll get some generic (mom/girlfriend) comforting words for advice.., you can actually get some very good answers..

Nice job Vash..,

Best,

GrkScorp

[Gigabitch]

Well, first of all, I imagine you've got some PTSD yourself from sitting around waiting for him to come back from Iraq, wondering every morning if this would be the day you found out he was killed. I'm sure it doesn't compare to having actually been over there, but it's got to count for something.

You sound bitchy and volatile. I suggest you join up with a Bitchy and Volatile Wives Group. It probably won't be called that, but that's what it will be. You need some help. If there isn't a group existing, start one.

Vashti's idea about getting a helper is golden. Look into that. I think you and your husband need to reconnect with each other, and it's hard enough for couples to hold it together with little kids in the house without the added stress of PTSD, etc.

He sounds depressed as hell and I'm sure it's driving you up a wall. That feels like having an anchor around your neck, I know. I was married to a depressed boozebag for a long time, and it wears you the hell out. Here are some things to consider:

1) Splitting up won't actually make anything easier for either of you.

2) There is help available that you probably haven't even tried to get yet.

3) You're going through something that women have been going through since men started throwing rocks at each other. This is normal. It sucks, but it's normal.

It may fall to you for a while to be the backbone of that family. It sounds to me like you were waiting for him to come home and make everything all better, and that's just not going to happen. He's ****ed up. You're not helping.

MOST IMPORTANTLY: If kids under five lose something, it IS your fault. They're practically fetuses still. You simply cannot hold a little pre-schooler responsible for losing something, or spilling their juice, or getting their sweater dirty. This is more crucial than your marriage, in my opinion. The fact that you are blaming your little tiny kids for losing some expensive thing of yours is really giving me a bad feeling about this whole situation. It's a great big red flag. Explain yourself.

[squirrley]

If you decided to come back and read everything that was suggested good for you. I think you're just looking for a place to vent this all out and eventually it will all work itself out. I agree totally that the kids losing your expensive item is your responsiblity. I have a 19 yr old and when I went through things like this, I always made sure anything worth of value was out of reach. But there were times the smallest of things would piss me off, but it was my fault.

I don't know if anyone here is married or has been married to a military man, and although we can't comprehend just how bad things can get, we can stress to you ideas to help the situation. If youre a stay home mom, chances are he expects you to take care of the children, but in reality stay home moms need more help. You're just as stressed as he is and he needs to understand it. I don't think what you were asking was unreasonable but a healthier attitude would help or the approach. You both need your seperate down time and then you're together time. Make your date nights. My husband and I are alone now and we still have date night.

As for the children, you MUST try to keep them seperate from the fighting, them finding the ring on top of you crying makes for a much worse situation. No one expects anyone to be perfect and when emotions run high us gals just shoot it. Find a very close friend you can cry on, vent out on them. The best thing to do with the kids is just explain daddy's having a bad day and that it has absalutely nothing to do with them. You constantly need to reassure them yours and husbands love for them. They need that security.

He'll probably come back, he's in his cave thinking. You should take this time to think too. Every couple has their fights, it's how you handle them which makes you stronger. When he comes back assure him you're going to do what you can to be there for him, and you need the same. Don't make it about him, don't alienate him. You have to rub his ego. I'm not saying kiss his ass, but you have to assure him you're doing what you can and tell him those things that you need in your life and your relationship, let him know you want a successful marriage and you don't want to hear or see him walking out everytime you have a fight. If you both experience high emotions take time outs and then come back to talk. I've had to learn this fast.

Take the time for emotions to settle and tackle it together.