"Independence": How Young Adults Now Use It As An Excuse for Non-Commitment

[pw17]

Today I’d like to take the time to discuss a phenomenon that I’ve noticed in many young adults. From my discussions with several people of varying age groups, this seems to be a more recent/modern phenomenon, and it’s impacted me both directly and indirectly. It’s the notion that one must be ‘fully independent’ prior to even THINKING about committing themselves to a serious relationship, and perhaps settling down.

If you go back two or three decades, it was commonplace for people to date seriously and get married right out of high school or college; now, that doesn’t seem to be happening nearly as much. With workplace etiquette between sexes improving moreso than ever before, it seems that many females between the ages of 18-30 are more interested in ‘being independent.’ But what does ‘being independent’ mean?

After speaking with a number of females (mostly friends) between the ages of 20-25, it seems that could mean a lot of things: living on their own (either alone or with ‘friendly’ roommates), traveling the world, working long hours to get to the top, all while having no ‘baggage.’ Of course, ‘baggage’ often refers to a significant other, or a person that they believe will hold them back from taking advantage of their opportunities to the fullest. Now, I’m not one to say that females in this age group (or ANY age group for that matter) shouldn’t be allowed to do these things. With bigotry and sexism diminishing worldwide (in some places more than others, of course), there are more opportunities for women and minorities than ever before. I am a COMPLETE advocate that EVERYBODY and ANYBODY who has seen intolerance should not only be given the rights, but embrace their newfound rights and equalities worldwide. However, this seems to lead to a very misguided notion…

In college, I dated a girl for two years. She was PERFECT: smart, funny, affectionate, and the most beautiful girl in the world. We could have just as much fun staying in and watching a movie as we would going out to a concert, sporting venue, seeing friends, etc. While I’ll admit I was very territorial earlier in our relationship (immature male machismo plus a couple of psychological issues), I was able to overcome these issues, and the final year of our relationship was very smooth-sailing without any major quarrels.

I knew going into this that this girl was very unique: she was very independent and had grand aspirations for herself. Being very similar, I was able to appreciate this, and didn’t put up a fuss when she went abroad (not once, but twice) for both academic and professional experiences. The funny thing was, over the course of our relationship, SHE often times would be the one to bring up marriage, kids, the white picket fence and how we’d move in together after she graduated (she was a year behind me). Overall, I truly thought she was the one, and for the first time in my life I had found love.

That all changed earlier this year (2011), about a week after I had visited her for New Year’s (we lived in different states). I was in between jobs at that point, and was talking to her in the late morning a couple of days prior to her heading back to school. I could tell something was bugging her, and after a good amount of prodding, she broke down and told me she didn’t think we should see each other anymore. Having seen no signs of this, I was, of course, stunned and upset. To this day, I still love this girl more than anything, and I have not received a finite answer as to why this happened.

Now I’ve had relationships in the past, and I understand that sometimes things are just not meant to be. There are tell-tale signs of this, like constant arguing, cheating and differences in opinion. NONE of these were taking place at the time of my breakup, making closure all the more difficult and damn-near impossible. The reason for this is because this girl and I STILL talk! While it’s not as much as we used to, we still talk on the phone two-to-three times a month and I can still tell in her voice that there’s still an interest/caring there. It was HER idea to meet up early next year (we have a tentative trip planned), but whenever I was to bring up a potential visit prior to this, she would seem very off-kilter, stating that she wasn’t sure if it was a good idea.

Utilizing common sense, one would think: “If these two people still care for each other and haven’t seen each other in so long, what’s the issue?” The issues were (according to her) that she either: a) wasn’t ready, or b) didn’t want to lead me on. There were hints the entire way that we would be ‘romantically involved’ upon meeting up (if you know what I mean), and regardless of her or my intentions, if there are hidden feelings still present, pheromones can help overcome a bit of convoluted human judgment. In retrospect, while thinking about why we weren’t together, this notion of ‘independence’ came up, and it all made more sense.

We had had some conversations during our relationship regarding how she wanted to first live on her own (by herself) prior to moving in with me. This thought tended to change intermittently, and while it wasn’t a huge issue at the time, it must have been part of her reasoning. Secondly, I recall that her parents were one of the earlier examples of achieving financial and independent success in their 20s without much (if any) baggage, before settling down together in their 30s. Was this an underlying issue, and a potential reason as to why we broke up? I asked her…

Of course, I didn’t get a direct response, but did get something along the lines of, “Right now, I need to be on my own and make sure that my life is in order. That includes my job, friends, living arrangements, everything. I need to make sure what I want (both in terms of men and just in terms of life, in general), and once that happens, I’ll have more clarity.” This prompted me to then ask the question, “So, should we still talk, or should we not for a while?” She said she wanted to still talk, and would be incredibly hurt if I wasn’t a part of her life. I then asked her, “Once the dust has settled and you find this clarity, do you think it’s a possibility that you’ll come back to me?” Her answer: “Yes, it’s a possibility, but I can’t make any promises.”

Now, since that conversation took place (it’s been between six and eight months), this girl has told me at random points that she still loves me, wants to see me, and just ‘can’t be in a relationship’ right now. Why not? ‘I have too much going on.’ Regardless of what’s going on, how do I hold her back? I never have in the past, and I don’t intend to mess up her life just to appease myself. I understand that living in a new place (she now lives in a different state than her family, friends and even me) is challenging, but wouldn’t it make things easier to have someone who’ll always be there for her?

Buddhist principle teaches that we must focus on OURSELVES and our internal happiness before we can focus on the happiness of others. Essentially, if somebody in your life doesn’t fit into your present plan, kiss them goodbye and hope to see them later when they fit in again. This is a very selfish, ego-centric way to look at things, and I don’t think it’s going to benefit these people in the long run. Sure, without a relationship to worry about you can work harder and focus more on your career, but doesn’t that get lonely after a while? Don’t you long for somebody who can be there for you after work? Somebody who will treat you well? Isn’t that the icing on the cake of all human-to-human interaction?

Females in the ‘young adult’ age group are letting this notion of ‘independence’ get in the way of romantic interpersonal relationships. Sure, many of these women casually date and have ‘flings,’ but in the end, these experiences end up being meaningless. If somebody comes along the way that catches your eye, treats you well and you’re still trying to figure out your ‘independent’ self, I implore you: Do NOT Shun Them! Give them a chance, because whether you end up moving in with them, having kids and the white picket fence in your future or not, at least you opened yourself up to somebody worthwhile. Don’t use things like distance and independence as excuses; until somebody you’re with gives you a reason to leave them, then don’t let them go for this misconceived notion… It will only result in confusion and heartache for both of you. I long to find clarity and understanding of my present situation, and I’m hoping that this post can help others to open their eyes and not throw away a beautiful thing without just cause.

What are your thoughts? Please feel free to 'reply' and let me know.

[bulrush]

It’s the notion that one must be ‘fully independent’ prior to even THINKING about committing themselves to a serious relationship, and perhaps settling down.

Does "fully independent" mean having a job where you can actually pay your own bills?

Females in the ‘young adult’ age group are letting this notion of ‘independence’ get in the way of romantic interpersonal relationships. Sure, many of these women casually date and have ‘flings,’ but in the end, these experiences end up being meaningless.

I disagree. Many people have flings, only to find out they don't like flings. But at least they learned something from it. One of my rules is, you date at least 10 people before getting married, and they are merely dating more people to find out what is out there. Experience is good, I'm sorry if it is hard on you. But they need to find the MOST compatible person before settling down with them, and that means dating a lot of people. It doesn't matter how nice you are, there may be other incompatibilities.

I also think that younger people want are more "experiential". They want to "experience life" or "live life". That is, they want to buy concert tickets, rather than pay off their car. Travel rather than save for a house down payment. All these experiences require money, and that gets expensive. It also tends to make your financial future unstable. Hence, many young people are still living with their parents at age 30.

The US movie "Failure to Launch" is a good, though extreme, example of this.