Hardest Part About Breaking Up?

[shheadz]

I've been through a couple bad breakups, as I'm sure many of you have. The hardest part for me was the unanswered questions. What happened? What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? It would have been so much easier if the girl simply said, "You sucked in bed, you're ugly, and you just plain bored the crap out of me", but it's never that simple. I've broken up with girls without having a clear explanation, so I can understand.

How about the rest of you? What's the hardest part about breaking up for you?

[Gigabitch]

Waiting while the hole in my heart closes up. This can take anywhere from five minutes to 50 years.

[lhn]

For me it has to be accepting it. Definitely not my forté.

I just couldn't accept the split with my ex. Being the first time I have ever been the 'dumpee' it was a huge realisation that took me far too long. Very naive. She told me she ddin't love or fancy me; slept with someone else; then moved out; then started dating someone I know... 3mths on, I accepted it was over.

Forget about naive... the above can be described as plain stupid!

Not having answers does suck as well... especially when you didn't ever argue or anything! ;(

[Chazza2k]

The feeling of having invested all this time and effort then having it basically thrown in your face. One minute so close the next like strangers. Also the wondering like you said where exactly did I go wrong, unanswered questions are never good but sometimes the answers you get back if you push are worse than no answers at all. The blaming yourself afterwoods for practically the whole breakup even if its totally irrational doesn't isn't great either. Lastly the empty hollow feeling of just what mark has this girl left on me, will I ever find love again.

[Petit Papillon]

For me the hardest part was the moment just after we finished to talk. Or to be honest, when he went offline after saying 'yeah we shouldn't be together'. This was the moment when I had this big silence in my head and the thought of ' this is it ' was coming to me. This was the hardest moment. My ex totally didn't deserve it.
WELL but actually he couldn't do nothing better for me I had excuse to hate him, to have no remorse, and the last but not least present from him... My current Boyfriend Oh yes, I'm still in love with my boyfriend My ex is a douchebag ,but if I didn't meet him and wasn't with him, to be really honest, there's no way I would meet my love

[shheadz]

I just couldn't accept the split with my ex.

Ah yes.. the denial. The feeling that this just couldn't possibly be happening. Moving on to acceptance is defiantly not easy.

[lhn]

You got it shheadz... denial denial denial... to be fair though, she moved in with me after splitting up (as we had prearranged), so who wouldn't think you would get back together. Or am I crazy?!

[lahnnabell]

My approach to break-ups has gotten significantly better over the years. My first love in high school was one of the hardest. He and I were together for about 2 months, but was we fell hard. We lost our virginity to each other and the whole she-bang. He then broke up with me because his best friend (a chick) didn't like that I was taking his attention away from her (she had a boyfriend too). He didn't want to break up with me, but when it came down to it, she was the more familiar and I was pretty sure he was in love with her in a desperate, unrequited way.

I was a mess for 8 months afterward. I spent the whole following summer alone, trying to understand why I wasn't worth it. By the start of school that fall, I was starting to feel more like my old self. I got back in touch with friends, took up my hobbies again, and met someone new eventually.

There is no ONE thing that is hardest I feel. It depends on the breakup, the person, etc. I came to realize that a majority of my break-ups were due to my having put up with too much sh*t for too long. I am naturally a very supportive and loving person, and so I give my all. One guy d*cked me around for a long time, cheated, constantly kept me on the line until I broke it off. Two guys were bipolar and I subjected myself to their emotional abuse until I realized I could not "save" them.

My most recent ex was the easiest of them all. He was one of the bipolar guys. I realized that I put my all into it, while working two jobs, and playing housewife. I supported him emotionally through his first year teaching while he continued to be an absentee boyfriend. We broke up and I moved out (after we'd moved 3,000 miles away from home together). I took a week or two to grieve and mope, but then threw myself into going out with friends and dating. I knew the faster I got into doing other the things the better off I'd be. And it worked.

[cmacattack1]

Two guys were bipolar and I subjected myself to their emotional abuse until I realized I could not "save" them.

While I don't think I'm bipolar, I know I have self esteem issues, and I remember my last girlfriend writing me letters telling me all these nice things about me and I didn't listen to her. I wonder if I was a project that she was trying to fix, although towards the end of the relationship, she was more ultimatum then compliments.

Just curious about what the emotional abuse was? I'm trying to figure out if I was badly emotionally abusing my last girlfriend, even though I didn't mean to or didn't viciously. Is tolerating a girlfriend that is calling and texting, begging and pleading on the phone with you in an extremely desparate fashion emotional abuse? Not being honest with my feelings was what I was guilty of, I guess I didn't know how to tell my vulnerable and hurting partner that what she was doing was pushing me away from her. It's a tough situation and I didn't ask for help.

[lahnnabell]

Both instances had similarities and differences, of course. My college boyfriend and I dated for 2 years. The first few months were amazing and I was head over heels. As time wore on and things got serious, insecurities of his started showing up. He was constantly worried about things like how he appeared to other people. He took offense to me asking sex-related questions, took it like I was questioning his manhood. Things worsened and he then began to use me as a scapegoat for his behavior, letting me believe that I caused these horrible feelings in him.

Emotional abusers are not aware that what they do is abuse. All they know is that they're fighting for control of a situation with the only tools they have. This includes belittling the other person, making them feel unimportant, minimizing their feelings, making them question themselves to the point where they can't trust their own emotions (i.e. being told, "You're crazy. I never said that.")

It wears you down until you feel like you've got nothing left inside to give. You feel hollow, uninspired, and depressed.

My most recent ex would do things like suggest that I go out and find new hobbies and friends, but then chastise me for not being around more. I had two jobs and he still expected me to be there to clean the apartment and wash his laundry every step of the way. He abused my personal space, but interrupting my yoga time, even when I asked him not to. He constantly criticized my not having a better job and insisted that I needed to try harder so we'd have more money and therefore be more comfortable. Eventually, I began to take back my sanity and some control. When he tried to pick fights with me, I would say, "We are not ready to talk about this. I need to go run some errands, but we can talk when we're calmer. I love you." This gave me positive results, but not soon enough.

It was too little, too late though. Too much had already gone wrong and my attempts to fix the damage were in vain.

[lahnnabell]

Also, avoidance or the silent treatment (in extreme cases) is listed as a form of emotional abuse. You were seeking to control the situation by avoiding what you didn't like about it. This left your partner hurt and confused for a long time, and even that didn't affect you enough to look at what you were doing.

In your mind, you were doing what knew. "Avoid bad stuff. 'Cause it's bad, and I don't wanna feel bad." It takes a strong person to learn from that though.

[TimeToGrowUp]

The hardest part for me is the "hindsight" and the disconnect.

I'm 30 years old and I've only been in 3 serious relationships in my time. The first was at 18, which last 10 months. The second came at 20 for 7 months. The real relationship experience didn't happen until my ex- of now 3 weeks. We were together 4.5 years.

The disconnect is so hard. This is a person I shared every single day with whether it was on the phone or in person. Her ghost is all over every part of my day. She was my girlfriend, my best friend, and my support. To not be able to talk to the person right now is dreadful. Like a shotgun blast to the stomach. And we see each other in the gym too. She's doing an awfully good job making it all look so easy to just walk away from 4.5 years.

The hindsight is also the hardest. I've been battling back and forth with this. I know that early on in our relationship I kept it casual. We dated for 6-7 months before I officially made her my girlfriend. She was the first to say the I love you. Over the last year and a half or so, I kept dragging my feet in taking things to another level and meeting some of her needs. Just getting too comfortable. So now, I'm haunted by all these moments where I was like "Why didn't I just do that or this??????" ......What was holding me back?????

I could give a million reasons, which just translate to excuses at the end of the day. Was I subconsciously holding off because she wasn't the right one? Or was I just not "manning" up and getting out of my head, removing the mental muck and taking a risk for the girl?

Does that light just "flip on" when you're with the right person? Or sometimes does it take a maturation process during relationship where-in people snap out of their coma and recognize how special the relationship really is to them?

Bahhh.......

[lahnnabell]

Does that light just "flip on" when you're with the right person? Or sometimes does it take a maturation process during relationship where-in people snap out of their coma and recognize how special the relationship really is to them?

No, the light does not just "flip on". Why do you think so many marriages fail? Relationships take work and constant revamping. You have to be willing to make mistakes, then learn from them. Communication is key in this area. If you can openly talk about problems and are avoiding them in attempt to avoid a break-up, it only makes the break-up an eventuality.

We learn by making mistakes. I've made plenty of relationship mistakes in my past, but I choose not to let them ruin my future. I have taken valuable lessons from them and it makes me a better girlfriend for my present guy.

I've been with a lot of boys (emphasis on boys) who think that if it's not just magically working, then it wasn't meant to be. If it's not easy, then I'm not right for them. What we all tend to find out is that it's never easy. We're talking about two separate beings with two separate sets of interest, hobbies, likes and dislikes, values and morals. Some, or many of these might overlap, but we all still need to learn to compromise and accept that our partners are different from us. Only with this understanding can you then work on a deeper connection.

[TimeToGrowUp]

No, the light does not just "flip on". Why do you think so many marriages fail? Relationships take work and constant revamping. You have to be willing to make mistakes, then learn from them. Communication is key in this area. If you can openly talk about problems and are avoiding them in attempt to avoid a break-up, it only makes the break-up an eventuality.

We learn by making mistakes. I've made plenty of relationship mistakes in my past, but I choose not to let them ruin my future. I have taken valuable lessons from them and it makes me a better girlfriend for my present guy.

See that's what I'd tell my mother. But she was always so insistent that I would've "just known" ...... "she's not right for you blah blah blah" ..... my mother projected so much all over the relationship it wasn't even funny. I just know that we're all "in progress" so ya there's work to be done while actually in the relationship.

I know you already addressed my situation in another thread. Just hard getting over that we never had that face to face, now or never moment. Just too much not speaking up about things.

[lahnnabell]

Sounds like your mom needs to be less of a presence in your relationships. You can listen to her advice and vent to her, but don't take her word as THE word. You're her baby, so of course she's gonna stand by you and be sensitive to your feelings above all else.

So, next time when mom says, "Oh, you'll just know." or "You'll feel a spark." or even, "She's no good for you." you may want to take a step back. Ask a guy friend, or even a girl friend what they think as their opinions are a bit more objective.