Confused! This is a long one.

[rosie92]

So yeah this is a long one.
Ive known this guy for a few years as a regular customer in a bar. I was on friendly terms with both him and his girlfriend, until about a year and half ago when the two split. After a few months of not seeing him he began using the bar again, expressing that he liked me and had done for a while. I am a 24 year old woman with no real dating experience, whilst he is a 34 year old man with lets say an extensive relationship experience. He began to talk to me a lot over messages, asking me to meet and go out with him etc for just under a year. Our conversations would often last several hours and well into earl hours of the morning. After nearly 10 months of talking with the guy I realised that I perhaps liked more than just the attention and one night took him up on his offer for drinks in a local bar. Since January of this year we have been seeing each other and I "went all the way" with him for my first time (despite promising myself I would wait for marriage, hah!). We've had some lovely day trips together and I enjoy spending time with him. He definitely is not the type of man Id have imagined Id be with but I feel very comfortable with him.
Now, I have a few queries. Recently we have spent a lot of time together and I imagine I'm just getting cold feet but there are things I just ant stop thinking about.

Firstly I feel like he is way more serious than I am. I'm still at university and live at home but he constantly discusses us moving in with each other (he lives with his mum after splitting from the last girl). He also told me after only a few dates that he loved me. Is this concerning, or am I just being stupid? is this behaviour normal, is it due to his age? I'm by no means just in this for a casual relationship, and I do feel I have fallen in love with him, but sometimes I worry that he's a little too serious, or maybe he's saying what he thinks I want to hear. Or maybe I'm thinking too much?

And on to my biggest concern (told you this was a long one!) After a particularly lovely weekend spent together I discussed the only previous man I had ever gotten close to and how I had found out that whilst he was declaring his love for me he was also doing the same with several other girls, which inevitably ended that "relationship". My boyfriend then said "You can go through my messages, I only ever spoke to you". At the time I declined the offer, sure that I knew he had probably been speaking to other girls whilst pursuing me but not really caring because, well why wouldn't he? He told me his facebook password and was confident that I would find nothing. Fast forward 2 or 3 days as I'm sat bored at home and I caved, I logged on. I was hoping for a bit of an ego boost (talking to his guy friends about me or whatever). What I actually found was that a "friend" I had been told not to worry about ever is actually someone he has slept with more than once previously, and the whole time he had spent pursuing me he was doing the same to her. The messages were different however, our conversations didn't constantly revolve around him telling me he'd like to have sex, in fact he rarely mentioned it, where as with the conversations between the two of them it was quite often the topic. What concerns me is that he would tell her he loved her and that he regretted the way their relationship turned out etc etc, even when she had mentioned she had a boyfriend! I know it shouldn't have upset me because again, why would he have devoted nearly a year trying to "chase" just one girl? What upset me was that a) he lied and b) I don't know if the things he said to her were true or if he just wanted sex from her or what. From what I gathered they did hook up (a lot later in the year than he told me he had) and he still speaks to her often. He has mentioned her to me and told me they have been friends for a long time, and they have many mutual friends, but I know this girl was an issue for his ex girlfriend. Should I be worried? I don't want to come across as a jealous snooping psycho girlfriend but I am worried I may have made a mistake in letting him in, just in case he really does love this girl and just uses other girls to pass the time while she's unavailable.

Sorry for the long boring life story, but any advice or insights or anything would be greatly appreciated!

[NosePicker]

I honestly don't think there's any right or wrong thing for you to do here necessarily. My opinion is that perhaps he likes having her around in his back pocket in the event that things with you don't work out.

It's really up to you to decide whether or not you fully trust him. If you feel uneasy, confronting him isn't the worst idea since he gave you permission to snoop in the first place.

[rosie92]

Thank you! That was the idea I had in my head, she's a safe bet. I fully trust him that he wouldn't cheat, I just don't want to be trapped in a relationship in which he's carrying a torch for someone else and I'll always be second best. Although I don't really think this is the case I really don't have enough experience to judge one way or the other

[NosePicker]

Easiest thing you can do is be open and honest about your concerns. Tell him what bothers you and why, and if he cares he'll do his part to make sure you know you're his number 1 priority. My last relationship suffered because I was bad at communicating my issues and insecurities and I ended up withdrawing instead. After a lot of long conversations I learned that I didn't really have any reason to be afraid of sharing my feelings. Sometimes it's hard to do, but if you don't communicate your issues you don't give your boyfriend a chance to address them.

[Hooo!]

do you have a reason for not discussing this with him and with us instead?

[rosie92]

I feel the relationship is still quite new to me and I don't want him to think I'm some untrusting snooping psycho if I'm honest!

[pcmaster]

I don't want him to think I'm some untrusting snooping psycho if I'm honest!

But thats who you are so better be honest from very beginning. Build relationship based on truth and honesty. Thats the strongest foundation for any relationship.

[Hooo!]

But thats who you are so better be honest from very beginning. Build relationship based on truth and honesty. Thats the strongest foundation for any relationship.

While it always matter how you say and frame that honesty
While it is also constantly subjected to change
I am sure that it is one of the strongest if not the only foundation