Is it time to give up on LOVE?

[lovemenot]

Seriously. I am 29 years old and my life is so different from what I've imagined it would be at this point when I was younger.

I think I am a totally hopeless romantic always looking for true love that would just sweep me of my feet and be the kind of love that songs are written about and movies are made...
And everyone else just seem to find somebody and then they're just together. And they don't even seem to ever second guess their decisions even if they aren't 100% happy they just seem ok with it..

Am I crazy to expect to find real love in this world? Does it even exist anymore? Or is everyone just with anybody, simply so they aren't alone...

Should I just give up on my dreams and simply be with someone who wants to be with me and doesn't totally annoy me?
Is that what everyone does these days or are all those couples around really and truly in love with each other and they can all say "yes he/she is absolutely THE ONE". Is that totally hopeless to want to have THE ONE... ?

I am so lost...

[Snow White]

Oh my goodness!!! NEVER give up on love! You are only 29 years old. You have no idea how much time you have ahead of you. Real love exists, but maybe not fairy tale love. What does true love mean to you? Is he a perfect prince and you are the princess? Well, you may be disappointed then. We all have flaws, but true love means being able to look past those. It doesn't mean we put up with anything. We enjoy each others company. We respect each others opinion. We support each other and know we can count on each other. You will disagree and argue, but still respect each other. Perhaps you can't be 100% happy, but is anything in life 100%? Never give up. There is someone out there just waiting to be found.

[lovemenot]

thank you for the encouragement. I know that nobody is perfect and I don't expect a perfect prince. I can accept flaws, a lot of them.
I just want someone I would know that he's it. And I wouldn't have to wonder am I just settling so I don't end up being alone... And I would just know that he is the best person in the world and I wouldn't need anyone better...

I had 3 serious boyfriends (around 3 years with each of them) and apart from my first love, everything else was just "meh..I guess it's ok"... And then I had something amazing and it was really all I have described before, but then very soon if all fell apart somehow..
So now I am just wondering was it too good to be true and things like that don't really exist? And that "meh..I guess it's ok" is all there really is and will be..? Or is there something seriously wrong with me and my understanding of all these things...?

[psot2]

I think your problem is that you fantasise about what love should be like. What you should instead do, once you fall in love with someone, is aim to accept them for who they are, regardless of their flaws. Let me explain.

What makes you choose a guy to be with? For most girls, a guy who seems attractive is one who cares about you enough to give you the world, and yet has enough independence to have his own life and ambitions. When you first meet someone, your automatic response isn't to be interested... it's to just wait and see what he does for you, whether he's interested, etc. The guy senses that, and he responds by trying to impress you. He'd show you that he loves you. He'd tell you how attractive you are both physically and emotionally, and you'd feel great.

At this point in the relationship, which is the first 6 months to a year, you and him would both be making efforts to show only the best of yourselves. However, over time, you have no choice but to relax around each other, and that's where flaws start to appear. Perhaps he's tired of impressing you and is happy simply being in your company. At this point, your relationship will no longer feel like a "fairy-tale love", and there's nothing you can do but accept it.

The next time you have a relationship which reaches that stage, learn to accept his flaws rather than try to fix them. If you have any issues, discuss them openly with him, but don't expect the same level of passion as in the beginning of the relationship. Passion fades, and all you have left is a relationship which is comfortable, but does not give you butterflies every day. There's nothing wrong with that. Just embrace it and learn to love OTHERS rather than just yourself.

[Hooo!]

There is no "one"
You don't live in a fairy tale

Let us assume there was the Prince Charming for you. He would be totally your type have all status skills and traits your imagination offers you. He would never start trouble or arguments and he'd have a long dick too.
What exactly would you have to offer him? Are you perfect in that way?

The truth is that there are people whom you can GROW with to be in a relationship with true and deep love.
And it's not just one person too. You can love more than once in your life.
But relationships require some effort

[lovemenot]

well first of all, I don't expect to meet some prince charming who is perfect and has no flaws. I wouldn't even want a man like that.
I do accept flaws in people and I have some myself and I understand that relationships require effort and work...

But what I mean is I don't want to meet just anyone and then spend months or years trying to GROW with and trying to learn to love him. What if I don't ever do so and just end up wasting time TRYING and LEARNING to love him... that's exactly that "meh" I was talking before.

I get that once all the passion fades and the butterflies are gone you kind of naturally stop trying to impress each other and just get comfortable with just each others company. And then see even more flaws in each other but just learn to accept and deal with them.

But at least in the beginning I want sparks and butterflies and rainbows every time I see him. And mostly I didn't have them. Most of my relationships were "just fine" right from the start. Kind of like I meet someone, he seems alright, he likes me, I enjoy his company and we just start being together. And then we just get into a habit of being together and I don't even notice how two years has passed and I am not even sure I love him or if I ever have...
I mean when you really love someone you should know, right?
Or is that "just fine" sort of relationship is what most people have, but they just never question it and are alright..? Or am I just so unlucky to never have experienced any different?

[GLYC]

Well, never settle. Like you, I too am very specific about the types of women I want to date. I only go after those women at this point in my life as I almost feel it's unfair to the other person if I truly don't want to be there.

Like Hoo said, there is no THE ONE. That's a myth. Instead there are multiple people that help supplement our lives.

Don't give up hope. I've learned women fall in love slowly overtime, but you're right, you should still feel some good initial signs. Likewise, you should be able to be yourself freely and enjoy being around that other person.

Maybe you should create a list of your ideal mate. List 20 or so positive characteristics or attractive (like values and physical characteristics) things about them, then list deal breakers on the other side. Highlight your top 5-10 positive characteristics, then go out and find that person. Now youre focused on the type of person you want.

For example, mine might be interested want a woman that's confident, independent, a great communicator, that values being in good shape, etc. Deal breakers, liar, not willing to communicate, no drive/motivation.

[lovemenot]

thank you [MENTION=85795]GLYC[/MENTION]
I feel like you understand my point. I don't actually believe in THE ONE either, maybe I didn't explain myself well. By THE ONE I meant that, like you said, you should feel something in the very beginning. It's just that lately I don't.. it's like I said always "just fine" so I started wondering if that's it, if that's all there is.
I used to always believe in true love that could withstand all and conquer all obstacles and all that, but lately I am afraid that it only exists in fairy tales and love songs.. I guess I lost hope a little.

I know more or less what type of man I would like. I know what characteristics are important to me the most and what I am looking for in men.
And also don't think it's fair to waste their time while I try to learn to like them or something if it's not there form the beginning.

But maybe my standards are to high? Or maybe the man from my list doesn't really exist? ;D

Because basically I meet two kinds of guys:
1. really interesting, creative, adventurous and I am extremely attracted to him, but has some personal issues or psychological problems and is a bit crazy...
2. a bit creative, a bit adventurous, really caring and sweet and kind, honest but extremely boring and I am not attracted to him at all...
And dating either of these sooner or later I realize it's not working for me at all. So I started to kind of lover my expectations, but that already feels like settling.. I am just lost at this point...

[Hooo!]

Have you ever even met someone who you were attracted to who was creative (whatever that means to you) and adventurous?
If so, what happened?

[GLYC]

[MENTION=78360]lovemenot[/MENTION]

Well, I think everybody should aim for somebody that knocks your socks off.

Really in the first 10 minutes of a date you should feel some chemistry. With some people you will have it, and with others you wont. You can’t fake it. It’s funny really when you think about it.

However, Attraction can change overtime. In some situations there can be a lot of initial attraction, but it can fade overtime. As well as vice versa. That depends how a man carries himself. And no, im not saying any guy can get any woman, if there isn't enough initial attraction, the man will never even get her on a date and she will never feel anything for him. I think that a woman should be head over heels with a guy if he’s doing everything right at about that 6-8 week mark. That’s when a woman will bring up the “what are we” speech. Like I said, if a guy doesn’t do the right things, things fall through.

Possibly the men you were dating didn’t know how to court properly. Relationships and dating really are an art. Most guys don’t get it. However, I think all guys know some parts of it, whereas others are completely clueless. Some men don’t realize that the courtship never ends. Once they hit a year mark or whatever everything goes out the window. They will quit planning fun dates and activities, and really just quit trying. Men will think, “Hey, she’s with me so everything must be good” or “a month ago she told me she loved me so” while ignoring the signs of a disinterested woman and that what women say only apply to that moment, ex: her saying she loves him.

It's rare for men to completely get it. Which when you dissect most people's relationships, you will see problems and realize that those relationships aren't really all that ideal. In the United States, there are a lot of divorces and single parents. It's sad, but it's due to these issues.

Fortunately, growing up I was brought into a loving family with some great role models, my brother has probably one of the greatest marriages I've ever seen. He was always great with women. Which helped me pick up some of this stuff easier, although I've still had my problems and learning curves. A lot of people don't have that, and are not willing to learn. You will see people blaming others for their failures. However, some people choose to learn from it. I see failure as an opportunity for growth, which I implement that principle to all areas of my life.

Overall, there's a lot to the picture. By no means am I a relationship expert, but just another average dude at the end of the day who lives by some key basic dating fundamentals. And. In some cases, a man can do everything right and things still won't turn out well. Example, dating a woman who is dating multiple men, she may have more time and memories formed with another man than you which puts you on the back burner and at a serious disadvantage.

[lovemenot]

[MENTION=85795]GLYC[/MENTION] I guess all of my disappointment really comes from meeting guys exactly like you described.
At first there's attraction and chemistry and all seems good, but then later they just stop trying...

And I understand that both parts have to try and keep the sparks alive, so I thought I would show him by example and organized trips and fun dates and activities for us to do, hoping he would get a hint and organize something himself...though he didn't and then we even talked about it several times, I kept reminding him how important it is to take care of the relationship..But even with all those talks nothing changed and I realized that if it wasn't for me, we would never do anything fun together. Would just meet at each others place after work, make some food and watch some tv show or a movie and sometimes go for a few beers with friends. And it was only two years in a relationship and I was already bored. And became totally uninterested and all of the attraction totally faded and by the end we weren't even having sex (like once every 2-3 weeks) was just absurd...So I had to say goodbye..

[MENTION=85121]Hooo![/MENTION] Yes I have, and he really had everything on my list. And we had a lot of the same interests, we even liked the same music and movies and even read the same books...And we shared a common sense of humor, that most others didn't get... And we even had the same hopes and dreams for the future. He really felt THE ONE;] but he had way too many deep personal issues and family problems and his life was a real mess then and he decided he didn't want to start any relationships because he just wouldn't be able to take care of anyone else at that point and had to take care of himself first.

So those were two of my recent boyfriends... One had what the other one didn't and they both lacked something major. And the past was similar - either one or the other - always something major missing... I just feel rather hopeless at this point :[

[Hooo!]

so let me get this straight.
you have dated 2 (in words: two) men.
It didnt work out with both of them and now you want to give up on love?
Yes I can totally understand that.

... Not.

I mean cmon.


and if you were so in love with the dude with family problems: how exactly do problems keep you from having a relationship?
The idea of problems keeping you out of a relationship is ludicrous to me.
You would want him anyways. You dont mind his problems. So if he loves you, then its your decisions not his.
How stupid is the idea that he has to take "care of you".
But well thats all both of your decisions. I would personally not take such bullshit.

[lovemenot]

I have dated several men and had serious relationships with 4 of them. And each time sooner or later it just all goes to "just fine" kind of relationships...

And about a guy with family problems - it was his decision to not have a relationship not mine.
I don't mind his problems at all - even the opposite - I want to help him and I personally think that having a relationship, having someone he could confide to and someone who could hug and hold him at the end of the day would make it all much easier for him. And I don't need to be taken care of.
But he sees it differently - he doesn't want to be in a relationship if he cannot take care of the other person - that's his own words.
He doesn't want to be with someone and just keep thinking about himself all the time.
And at this point in his life there's just too much going on and he has some deep personal issues as well (depression and anxiety) and just wants to stand back up on his feet and find himself.

And I am afraid I can't change his mind about that and since we agreed to be "just friends" I am trying to be there for him as a friend.
Just not sure if it's a good decision since I keep hoping it will eventually turn into something more once he's done fixing himself...

[GLYC]

Well, it sounds like you're doing everything right. You're communicating to men that you're in relationships with what you need and even going out of your way to demonstrate and help him out. Really thats all you can do. There's a good amount of women who will just say **** it and leave the guy.

Second that's smart of this other guy to not pursue things when he realizes he has issues.

And for your part. It's not your job to fix anybody, in fact, I would recommend avoiding that role. That's how people find themselves in abusive relationships.
I think depression would take a toll on things. Initially you might see it as okay, but over time I'm doubting that you would enjoy handling that kind of stuff.
Afterall, its important to HAVE FUN.

I would just tell him, "well once you get that figured out, let me know". Then walk away.
I wouldnt wait for the guy because in all honesty you will never know if he will ever get his shit together.

[TheEvilJester]

Unfortunately, I'm finding this late when there have already been too many responses for me to read through them all. But, this one really strikes a chord with me, so I had to respond anyway.

As somebody who HAS given up on love.... as somebody who has also spent his whole life as a hopeless romantic feeling like part of his calling in life was to find that true love (yet, also strangely realistic about it in that I've always known real life love is different from fairy tales)... but has accepted it just is not in the cards for him....

I could not more strongly suggest.... please do not give up on love. Believe me, it is not a fate you want. Now, where I definitely do agree with the others is that we shouldn't expect perfection. We shouldn't expect that fairy tale crap because that isn't real. I also agree that there isn't just ONE person in this universe for each of us. There are many people who COULD wind up being "the one" for any of us. I don't mean that to sound unromantic. It doesn't change how amazing and how special it can be when you find the right person. I'm just saying, it isn't like there is only one person out there and if you don't find him/her then you will never be happy.

...The thing is, you sound to me like you already understand all that. Heck, you sound a lot like me, actually. So, believe me, I know how you feel. As old as it may feel, 29 isn't really that old. You still have plenty of time. So, no you shouldn't expect perfection (and it sounds like you already understand that), but that also doesn't mean you should settle. Love does feel amazing when it is young. In other words, when you are first starting to fall in love with somebody, there should be all those wonderful feelings. The sort of feeling that you just know.

So, if you aren't feeling that with anybody, is it possible your expectations are too high? Maybe. That is certainly a possibility..... but certainly not a foregone conclusion. Especially not based on the reasonable grip on reality you seem to have, even despite your hopeless romantic nature. So, don't settle. I mean, if you do think you are perhaps being too picky, then maybe examine that and work on it. But, you should never "settle." If you do, you do both yourself and your partner a disservice. Because, just as much as they deserve somebody who doesn't feel like they are settling in being with them.... don't you also feel you deserve to be with somebody who doesn't make you feel that way? You deserve your happily ever after.

Again, as somebody who has lost hope, I'd fight with every breath in my body to make sure nobody else has to share that fate with me. Take it from somebody who knows. That's NOT a fate you want. Love is out there, and it is great if you can find it. Just as much, though, you also need to remember to love yourself. If I could wish one thing for you, my greatest wish for you would be to be able to find a happiness and love within yourself and thereby not NEED love from anybody else..... but to find it anyway.

Good luck, friend.