I 'cheated'... can he get over it?

[psot2]

Hello,

I've been with my boyfriend, James, for a long time, and we started dating online but met up quite often since then. I'll tell the story-line in terms of important bullet points to make it simpler:

- Before we ever met up, we confessed our love for each other but I did often express doubts because of the distance and because I had stress over doing my degree.

- James convinced me, and bought me a ticket to see him, but I still felt doubts and told him about them.

- I contacted my ex in an effort to get over James, as the long distance relationship caused me anxiety.

- I told James about me contacting my ex. James got angry and told me I shouldn't have done that and that he didn't want me to sleep with my ex. I apologised and told him I would never do that.

- I got cold feet and told James to cancel my ticket after all. He became very angry, told me to **** off and that I was not worth it, cancelled my ticket, and did not speak to me.

- Heartbroken, I contacted my ex after 2 days of no contact with James, and slept with him. I also sent an envelope with money to James for everything that he lost when he cancelled the plane ticket, and I apologised for everything in a letter and wished him a good life.

- James contacts me a few days later and apologises for overreacting. He somewhat blames himself because of the anger outburst. I come clean about sleeping with my ex. He says he forgives me.

From that point on, I decided that I was going to be with James without questioning our relationship. I flew over to see him for the first time a few weeks later. It's been 7 months since then and we've been in a very happy relationship and we get along great, we see each other frequently. However, James feels that I cheated on him and still brings it up. He finds it difficult to trust me and thinks that I would cheat on him if we were in a difficult situation/breakup that might end in getting back together.

Opinions? How should I handle it to make him feel secure with me again? Will James get over it? Do you think it was actually cheating?

- - - Updated - - -

I would also like to mention... part of the reason he liked me so much from the beginning was because I'm very conservative in my behaviour. I take a very long time to open up to people sexually and I had very few sexual partners in the past, which he sees as appealing. Obviously, fidelity is very important to him.

He also accused me yesterday of lying about the number of guys I had sex with in the past, which stung a lot and made me feel very dirty.

[bulrush]

I don't know if he can get over this situation, it could take years. It does sound like he is either immature, has confidence problems, or both. Does that sound like a good foundation for getting over something like this?

All you can do is try and reevaluate after a year, or however long you want to wait. But also realize he might never trust you again. I don't think you did anything wrong, but it DID hurt him. Me and my wife talk about your exes sometimes, and it's not a big deal to us. But in general it is a bad idea to talk about, or contact your ex for any reason because of jealousy issues this can bring up.

[Snow White]

Hmm... "James convinced me, and bought me a ticket to see him, but I still felt doubts and told him about them.

- I contacted my ex in an effort to get over James, as the long distance relationship caused me anxiety." It doesn't sound like you told James you were trying to get over him. I can't blame James for becoming upset. He must have been very hurt which would explain why his behavior towards you. Then you turn around and have sex with your ex which was Jame's fear. Why did you do that? I don't blame James for feeling insecure. I don't know if it were "technically" cheating or not, but I think for him to get past it and trust you and truly forgive you, you need to explain why you made the choices that you did.

[Shoukon]

I've had a few client's that have had a similar situation where the boundaries and understanding of the relationship were different for the two in the relationship, if you were together or not after the ticket cancellation and you sending James money and sleeping with your ex, which would determine if you had cheated or not. That's most likely not even the real issues, that's manifest, on the surface, and there is something latent, underneath all of this, that has to do with things in Jame's life prior to you.

You came clean and he said he forgave you, but then he brings it up, which hurts you, and this has escalated into an evolution of accusations of the number of men you have been with. There's a lot of hurt and hurting happening.

Did you cheat? I personally want to say no for you were heartbroken which would point to your understanding that you two were over. Like I said above though, you two are in a relationship now and that isn't the latent and core issue that's causing you both grief.

Will he get over it and what could you do to make him feel secure again. There's severe miscommunication and bottling up going on where, one part of this complex situation, is that he isn't telling you what his hurt is really about and pinning it on something he had told you he forgave you for. He may have had a past traumatic event, that has nothing to do with you, that's bringing up his angry and accusatory actions. You also gave a hint of this in that he has a direct like to conservative women. I'm not saying any of this in a negative light about James, but James has had a life time of pleasure and hurt that will affect you today and has affected your guy's relationship.

I'd imagine that to get to many of these issues between you two, finding a mediator, relationship therapist, trusted friend or someone who can help you two figure out what's really going on and deliberately create an environment for progressive, constructive and genuine talk between you two would be the best. Also, if at all possible, finding someone to help each of you become honest with yourself helps with helping the two of you be honest with each other. It's near impossible to heal a fractured relationship when you, yourself, don't know why you're reacting in such a way (this is one way to see James). He's hurt, and it's not just because of what he was supposed to have forgiven you for, but something that predates that and it's okay for him to get help with that because whatever that is, will flow into your relationships and stop the repetition you guys seem to be starting where it seems that when he gets angry he attacks your conservatism and humanity.

Also, be weary if you start or have felt guilty feelings that bring you into feelings of pitiful helplessness. Find yourself help over that because that would be a barrier in being able to function as yourself in your relationship and in places outside your relationship.

If I misunderstood anything or said anything that didn't make sense, please let me know.

[richiro]

you hceating on somebody else ... it's up to them if they can get over it or not. Certianly they are not required to and nobody would blame them for not.
You took the bait - now you're at the mercy of whatever they decide.

Sorry. But this is the price of cheating.

[Shoukon]

you hceating on somebody else ... it's up to them if they can get over it or not. Certianly they are not required to and nobody would blame them for not.
You took the bait - now you're at the mercy of whatever they decide.

Sorry. But this is the price of cheating.

I had a similar curiosity on if Psot2 was baited, consciously or unconsciously, into this situation and I see you mentioned this. Psot could have been baited into this blurry situation by the baiter, James, and she is at the mercy of what he is deciding. Keeping Psot2 around, but repetitively punishing her. One of the characteristics of our humanity and unconscious when it comes to relationships is that we recreate the same situation with different faces as that old P.O.D. song suggests. It is possible that James projected negative qualities of the older negative people into Psot2 and Psot2 identified with those projections (through the confusing anger, feelings of ambivalence (cold feet), the fake forgiveness), and was induced and guided into starting to act as the old person which makes the baiter, James, feel justified for treating Psot2 poorly and gets Psot2 stuck in a situation which feels bewildering to be in because it makes no sense and is just full of pain.

Lastly, if morality and fault is being looked for here. Those who take bait are victims to those who plant the bait and are of no fault.

There is some evidence of this because James called her a few days later to apologize for overreacting. Typically, when we apologize to someone for overreacting over a situation, it has to do with the fact that we reacted due to the feelings a current event brought up from the past and a lot of the time we can't help but destructively repeat broken patterns with new people. Blaming one, the other or both is too easy and is just a witch hunt that isn't constructive and won't help their relationship. Best to find help.