I need your support

[greenemerald]

I am a woman in my 40's. I have never sought help or posted anything online regarding broken heart. Not that I have never experienced it. It's just that I am not comfortable talking about it so I tend to keep things to myself. I would simply just cry in privacy but project a strong image when I am out. So, posting here is very humbling. It feels safe because people are strangers who probably won't harshly judge me. Or maybe they will.

I consider myself beautiful, smart, educated, loving and compassionate. To make a long story short, I had broken up with my bf (a month ago) who cheated on me twice. I forgave him once. Once I forgave him, I never brought it up or nagged about it. But I was cautious. 2 months into forgiving him, I once again found him on a dating site. I broke it off right away. I was dignified and took the high road in the break up. I am not one to sacrifice my dignity by calling names and going crazy. I simply said "Once again, you have breached my trust. You have taken my love for granted. Maybe not now, but someday, you will find the value in being with someone like me. I wish the best". Once that was said, I suffered in silence. Cried in my solitude. I cycled between being angry to nostalgic, to angry, then missed him (or what I thought he was). Some days I feel good, optimistic and feel happy that I am getting over him. Then some days, I feel pain that it confuses me how I can keep cycling from these emotions. Every day since we broke up, he has tried reaching out wanting to get back together. My hearts wants to, but my brain says HELL NO! So far, my brain is winning. I value myself enough to not be treated that way. I have standards of treatment and to me, that was unacceptable, non-negotiable. I keep asking myself "if you get back together with him, can you trust him again?" My answer is always NO! I will just be miserable wondering daily if he's faithful. That is not healthy for me emotionally and mentally. The sad part was, we were ring shopping already. I mourn for "what could have been", I mourn for the man who I thought he was. It doesnt help that he's sending me sweet and loving messages, but I am standing firm on my decision. I refused his invitation for lunch to talk. I know its a bad idea to see him. I'm afraid that it might set me back. Sometimes, you need to teach people how to treat you. Sometimes, you have to hurt so much to maintain your standards and keep you value and dignity.

I am angry at him for putting myself in this situation where I love him but can no longer be with him. I guess I am here for just some support. I know I am not going back to him. I just cant do that to myself. Between me and him, I chose me. I am simply seeking words of encouragement here for days that I am feeling low. It's not always easy to stay strong on days I feel vulnerable. Words of encouragement would be nice to help me sustain. I value your support since I don't talk to anyone about my pain. If you have reached this far in your reading, I thank you for taking your time. Thank you all in advance. I appreciate the time you take and your support for a stranger who needs you.

[GLYC]

You're right. Leaving him was a great decision. You will find someone better, and while this man may have many qualities that you adore, he lacks loyalty and respect. No healthy relationship can exist without respect and boundaries.

It takes strength to leave someone you care about but sometimes it's for the best. Some guy will be with you and will be happy to have a strong woman at his side to make great memories with. At that point, it will be abundantly clear why things didn't work out with this other guy.

Cheers.

[greenemerald]

GLYC, thank you for you kind words and support. It made me cry just having a complete stranger respond to my post. And not just a stranger, but a man's perspective. You are absolutely correct. I am glad that you said that he may have many qualities that I adore, he lacks loyalty and respect. Even though I know that, it makes a bigger impact when someone says it to me. I keep telling myself that it's his loss because I am a quality woman and that is hard to find. Somehow, that pacifies me to a certain extent. Helps me get through another day. I still cry often. I hope my heart catches up with my head soon because the pain hurts a lot. Thank you for your kind words, optimism, and words of wisdom. I am looking forward to the day when this pain will become a distant memory. One thing I will never do is become a bitter person. I cannot allow this man to change the kind-hearted person that I am. Won't happen.

[GLYC]

You handled all of this perfectly. "Once again, you have breached my trust. You have taken my love for granted. Maybe not now, but someday, you will find the value in being with someone like me. I wish the best". Best response possible.

He was given a second chance, which he shouldn't have even got (you said how you were cautious about things afterwards, well, that cautious feeling would never end, how could you trust him, he disqualified himself)

You're right about not acting bitter. It's best just to say your piece and move on. You can still be thankful for the good memories you had without taking him back into your life.

And as always. You can only control how you show up. You were loyal, honest, trusting, and loving. I can tell by reading your responses how well put together you are. Never settle for less than you deserve.

[yami9736]

To make a long story short, I had broken up with my bf (a month ago) who cheated on me twice, to quote you: but i'm going to read your whole post regardless okay so after reading your sad story i came to the conclusion that this guy is using you for his own selfish gain, and will not change you love him and hope he will but he wont, so u can either continue to be in this toxic relationship or be alone for a couple of years while u figure it out... and u will figure it out but it wont be in 1 night or even a months most likely but this guy is like a drug to you and u need to cut it of, take it from some one who is about to tell his girl of months he has a problem, and i'm about to do this because i love her more then getting my high

- - - Updated - - -

dont you deserve the same ?

[Hooo!]

And your heart will learn to know the person who he is and not just who he pretends to be.
You will realize in the future that this decision gave yourself and your heart the opportunity it deserved the whole time.

Missing someone or an idea of someone is naturally and good and important. It is also something that fades and gives opportunities for a better future.

Good luck

[Snow White]

greenemerald...OMG!! I have so much respect for you and am hoping "lovemenot" and other women on this site will read your post!! Of course you miss him and it doesn't help that he keeps contacting you, but you know you are worthy of more. You speak of yourself in such positive, loving ways. You are not wondering if this was your fault. You know it is bad to see him. You know you can't be "friends". You know that mourning for what could have been and who you thought he was is natural, but unrealistic. You were ring shopping so thank goodness you found out when you did. You are a intelligent, wonderful example to all the women out there who have been misused. I am so happy that you took the time to write in!

[johnperes]

The decision of leaving him is good in my sense because it's better to live single or gave some space to one who hurt someone many times in a day. I hope you will find a guy soon who loves you much and may not cheat ever in life.

[greenemerald]

Snow White, thank you for your kind response. Logically, I know that I have exhibited strength. Emotionally, I must admit I feel weak. I cry just about every day. I often ask myself why I keep crying for someone who breached my trust twice. Why my heart hurts and why I still think of him all the time. I wish there is a simple answer to that. Unfortunately, I am seeking a logical explanation for an emotional question. I read something sometime ago that when one faces a big decision, never use emotions to make such decision. Why? Because emotions constantly change. What feels good now is not going to feel good tomorrow or next week or next month. Ever remember a time when you were so happy and excited? I'm certain that those emotions were not felt every single day. Some days you feel good, other days you are frustrated, some days are just ok, and other days just plainly hurt so bad. Emotions are just too unreliable to base big decisions on. But LOGIC...logic does not change at all. It is based on facts and evidence. What is right currently will always be right tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that.
For women who are reading this, don't stay or leave a relationship based on your emotions. If you are angry and want to break it off, just wait. It might be the wrong decision once you are calm and think logically. Or if you are so in love so you stay, just wait. It might be the wrong decision once you think logically.

As a woman, I am fueled by emotions. I can't help it. We, women, are designed to have easy access to our emotions and this is a very good thing. Ladies, never become a calloused person because you have been hurt one too many times. Our easy access to our emotional responses, the ability to care deeply and openly, and become vulnerable is a gift. There are 3.5 billion men in this planet and they do not have what you have....easy access to your emotions. You have the ability to quickly access compassion for others, love deeply, hurt deeply, and a few minutes later, be able to laugh at something a friend says while you are still wiping your tears. Isn't that a gift in itself? Its a strength. The only time your emotions betray you is when you do not use it with logic. These two should match and when they don't, always go with logic.

Easier said than done. I know. I am living that right now. But I am not going to apologize for crying a lot and missing him. I am a woman. I am operating the way I am supposed to operate. Emotional. It's hard. These days I am using my pain to workout hard at the gym. The tricky part was when a song came on while working out and it broke me down so suddenly I had to walk out of the gym to cry. Maybe what keeps me going is my high sense of self-worth and value. And the thought that it is very easy to replace a man who constantly cheats. There's a lot of them out there. I can get another cheater tomorrow if I want to. Therefore, he is easily replaceable (not that I'm looking for another cheater), so not having him in my life to hurt me anymore is not a loss, but a GAIN. A WIN. However, a good, smart, loyal, beautiful, compassionate, and loving, self-respecting woman is hard to come by and not easily replaced. So, this is a BIG LOSS for him. He gambled an amazing woman, and sadly, he lost. That's not my fault. That is ALL HIS.

I hope some women can learn from my pain. It is real. It is raw. I cry often in my solitude, in my car, in the shower, when I go to bed, or just about anywhere where no one can see me cry. But pain builds character. It has the ability to force you to confront your own self-worth, self-love, self-respect. My ex never had to worry about me choosing between him or another man. I would always choose him. I was loyal to him. I love him. The day he no longer acted as a team, but instead a rival, an enemy, a foe....he lost. Why? Because when he places me in a position where I have to choose between me or him, I will always choose me no matter how soooo badly it hurts. I am loyal to me more. I love me more.

- - - Updated - - -

Yami9736, thank you for your response. Thank you for also saying that after reading my story, you came to the conclusion that this guy is "using you for his own selfish gain and will NOT change". Even though I know that logically, it really helps when I hear it from someone, especially coming from a man. Why? Because men can relate to other men better, therefore, you are of an expert in male minds more than I am.

I can forgive 1 indiscretion. Humans are flawed, so I can understand one assuming the circumstances seem reasonable. But 2 indiscretions? That is premeditated. A deliberate act. A blatant disrespect and disregard for the other person. That is asking a lot from me to sign up... once again.

I actually said this to him after I forgave him the first time. I said "I can work with one mistake. But if it happens again, that is no longer a mistake but instead, a pattern. A character flaw. I cannot work with character flaw". And he assured me that he would never do it again. But he failed to keep his words.

They say "a good predictor of future behavior is past behavior". I know that if I even think of forgiving him, this pattern will not stop. He will never change. He can't. It is part of his character. And sadly, I don't have what it takes to make this work. This requires "doormat" qualities that I just do not have.

Thank you for responding to my post and offering your support.

[GLYC]

Awesome post Emerald. I like your responses a lot. I feel like we may have read some of the same books and articles before? Haha
You're right. Generally, men are the more logical beings whereas women are more emotionally based. And as a result, we tend to communicate and think differently.
Think about the saying "Men are from mars, and women are from venus" (from what ive heard, that's also the title of a great book on this topic).
It's great that you recognize that and it will only help you.
I think it's equally important for both sexes to understand this dynamic, it will benefit the possibility for a healthy relationship with good communication to exist.

I also agree that past behavior is a pattern to future behavior.
And while people may be able to become a better version of themselves, the majority of who they are will stay the same.

Honestly, if I met a woman that I was attracted to and they handled themselves the way that you do, I would be all over them.
Without a doubt, lots of other men in your area are going to be thinking the same thing when they meet you.

[greenemerald]

GLYC, hahaha, that actually made me laugh when you said that we may have read some of the same books and articles!! I needed that laugh, so thank you for that. I have read a lot of books and articles just to be more educated about men behavior, human dynamics, communicating to men in a way they can understand (less emotion, less words, more logic, straight to the point LOL), etc. We all have to deal with the opposite sex whether it is a romantic relationship, family, relatives, business, so why not learn how to communicate to them in an effective way, right? That explains why I am more logical than an average woman. It is not bragging or inflating myself. This was years in the making. It took knowledge and implementing the knowledge for it to become second nature. It was odd initially, but over the course of time, it became easier.

Yes, the book "Men are from mars and women are from venus" is a great book. Men and women should read that book. It will only make one have a better perspective of how the opposite sex mind works. I think we can always get better at this.

I agree, people can change but it takes a lot to change. One has to really want it and I mean...REALLY WANT IT. It is like going on a diet or a workout routine. You want to embark on one. You know what you are supposed to do. You have the knowledge to get it started. But if one is inconsistent and feel uncomfortable with the process, likely they will stop trying even if they really want to change. If it is even a half-hearted want, it will not make a meaningful difference. But as you said, most people tend to have a default setting. A baseline of character which they tend to go back to.

Your last comment about you meeting a woman who handled herself the way that I do, you would be all over them and lots of men in my area would be thinking the same is a GENEROUS COMPLIMENT! Thank you very much! Please understand that I am not being full of myself when I say this, but I am a very solid woman. Meaning, I have a lot to offer in a relationship. I consider myself beautiful (and a lot of men seem to think so), I often get a lot of compliments on my looks, I hit the gym often and also have a personal trainer which means physically, I look good enough to get sponsorship from a supplement company. I speak 3 different languages, I am finishing my graduate degree now and soon be in a doctoral program, and above all, I am humble, smart, compassionate, educated, love deeply, caring, loyal, and brave enough to risk being hurt each time. A lot of beautiful women often bank on their looks only, but I often believe that one also needs to be beautiful on the inside in order to become a complete package. Looks can only get one so far.

The funny thing is, someone like me still gets cheated on (that wasn't really funny, but you understand what I mean). BUT I also know that it has nothing to do with me. Instead, it's the character flaw of the other person. Some people just do not value the same things I do. And I cannot compete with that, nor do anything about that. I just have no control over that. Like you said, I can only control how I show up. I could have been a celebrity and still have this happened to me. In fact, even celebrities are not remotely sheltered from infidelities.

The sun is going to set soon. The nights have always been more difficult since more idle time to think. I have no control over the sun setting, so I guess another night to overcome. Maybe some tears along the way. But they say "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger".....except for bears. Bears will definitely kill you!!! Hahaha! What I have forgotten to mention was what I had gained when I left my ex. And this is, by far, very important: PEACE OF MIND. Although I miss him, I no longer worry about being cheated on. Worry if he is telling me lies. Worry about him doing the right thing this time. Worry about finding him again on a dating site. Worry about him dating another woman while telling me he loves me. Wondering if he is talking to someone else. He can do whatever he wants now since we are no longer together. I'd rather have that than him doing whatever he wants WHILE we are still together. My mind is now peaceful. My heart aches, but my mind is now worry-free. I am sad, but the mental torture has finally stopped. That was excruciating. There is nothing like peace of mind.

By the way, I looked at your profile and saw that you are only 25 years old. You seem pretty mature and have great and sound advice for a young man. Kudos to you for the knowledge you have at such a young age. Impressive!

[greenemerald]

Hooo!, thank you for your support. A quote once says, "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them!". I believed it. And I also believe that he does not have the qualities to make a good boyfriend. Not for me, at least. He may be good for someone else who simply wants something casual and meaningless, but not the kind of partnership I am seeking for.

I find it sad when you invest your all into someone, only to realize they were just a figment of your imagination. A mirage. A colorful illusion masked in a breathing, living human being. Sometimes, certain people can be so heartless and cold. It is a shame.

"If your significant other is charged in the court of law for loving you so much, is there enough evidence to convict him?" AAahhh, I love this! This is an easy one. My ex would never be sitting in jail for this charge. All 12 juries would unanimously say "Not guilty". Even a high caliber and seasoned prosecutor wouldn't know how convict him on this one.

[GLYC]

You're right. Life is composed of all sorts of relationships with the opposite sex, romantic ones, friendships, family, work, etc.
And it is important. Prior preparation leads to success. It takes time to learn because we aren't socially conditioned to understand it.
Women are naturally better at this stuff, but us men? No. Nobody ever taught me any of this stuff growing up. I never had a father to son chat about how to have a loving relationship. Some men just naturally do the right things, while there are some men that will never understand it.

Sounds good about the book, I'll have to pick it up. Along with several others already on my list (The 5 Love Languages, How to Win friends and influence others, corey waynes next book when it comes out).

And no, you're not being full of yourself. Everybody should be happy with who they are, and if they aren't, they need to ask themselves "why" and take corrective action.
If you aren't happy with yourself, you're always with someone you dislike. Never lose that, you should be seeing yourself as the prize. And know that you are worthy of great relationships. Working out is important, naturally people will become more confident and attractive to others if they're doing that consistently. It changes how you carry and present yourself. A healthy body and a healthy mind are a key to success. And your career choice is spot on. I'm glad you found the strength to move onto something new that will make you happy (I'm in the same process, and weeks from being done). Never settle for mediocrity, in career or relationships.

That Bear comment! Hahaha
And yes, if he finds someone new. He's someone else's problem now.
It's okay to feel pain, that will likely carry on for a while, until you meet someone new and start creating new memories.
At that point, you will hardly ever think of this guy, and when you do, it will only be a brief moment of curiosity, nothing more.

Thank you for the compliment. Like you, its been years in the making. Mistakes on my part, followed by self-correcting behavior.
After losing some of the types of women I had always wanted, I finally reached the point where i said, "**** this, I'm tired of getting burned, this has to change"
And i just started reevaluating everything, reading books/articles/videos, talking with people who actually had the type of relationships I wanted (it's so rare for people to have the type of relationships that I want). The great thing about reading, is you can learn from other people's mistakes, and when you encounter a similar situation you already know what to do. Plus, you have to learn how to embody this stuff, as it gets infinitely times harder when a person gets emotionally invested to do the right things. There's always that voice telling you to do something else, and a simple google search will tell you to do the wrong thing (if you're looking for it), while giving you a BS justification for it even though it definitely won't work. I can still always fine tune some things, but overall, I'm happy with my approach and how I show up.

While, i still get some curveballs thrown at me as well, I'm pretty good at staying objective, emotionally centered, and calm.
Course, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose, that's the reality of things. When you understand some of this, you just know what needs to be done and can sometimes predict what's going to happen. You can see the evidence behind it in not only in your own dating life, but also in others dating lives.

And when you create a successful, healthy relationship there's no limit to how much you will benefit others and their relationships. People may look at you as a template for success. And your kids? Well, they will see firsthand what a truly loving relationship looks like and they will learn to emulate that when they grow up. Which is part of the beauty of understanding all of this.

Besides if things never work out for you, all I'll have to say is about that is, "When are you flying out to meet me for drinks?" haha

[greenemerald]

GLYC, this is going to sound funny, but I actually own the books you have mentioned (The 5 Love Languages and How to Win Friends and Influence People). We seem to seek the same knowledge hahaha. I dont' read fiction books. I prefer to read books that have real life applications. I also have the books "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Love", "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff and They are All Small Stuff", "How to Handle Major Crisis", "100 Secrets of Happy People", and "Five". The book Five is about what one plans to do in the next 5 years. This has nothing to do with career, but personal growth. What is that you have always wanted to do? If you only have 5 years to live, what would you change? , etc. This book actually has blank spaces where you can actually write stuff down. There would be questions and some blank spaces for you to fill. Interesting actually.

I am familiar with Corey Wayne a little. He caters to mostly men, so I don't listen to him much. But I like his "your best negotiation position is to be able to walk away and mean it". Agreed. Having said that, I can only assume that your style of approaching women is probably very Corey Wayne like, right? haha. Considering you probably read his book 1,000 times as he suggests LOL. Personally, some of his takes I do not agree. I am not saying that he is wrong. Just some of his tips will not work on a woman like me. I have seen some of his videos and I thought, "Uh uh..no no no, that's not gonna work for me. Hell no. Try again." haha

Career wise, I have already started this master's program a few months back before my relationship had ended, so this is not a new endeavor to replace my newfound time. You had mentioned that you are weeks from being done. Is this an academic endeavor as well?

In my life, this is definitely not my first heartbreak. However, the last time I have experienced infidelity was when I was in my early 20's. So, it has been a while since I have experienced betrayal. The odd thing about the ex that had cheated on me 20+ years ago is that, he found me on social media, reached out, still remorseful for what he did (20+ years later). Kept hinting at starting over, but I did not entertain that. I still like him as a person since he was actually honest enough and confessed the infidelity on his own. I can respect someone who, at least, be honest and owned up to their mistakes. I could have forgiven him (ONCE) for what he did, if it was not a relative of mine he kissed. That would make for an awkward Thanksgiving dinner when all 3 of us are sitting at the dinner table, don't you think? Hahaha. That felt horrible actually...being betrayed by 2 people you love. I never told a soul. Everyone just wondered why we broke up and why I was so pissed at my relative. I did not want anyone in the family to hate her. She was actually a good person overall. Just young and stupid. So, I took the high road, kept mum about the whole thing, picked up the pieces of my badly shattered heart, and focused on healing. Did I recover from that? Absolutely 100%. Did I become bitter from that? Absolutely not. It took some work on my end to come out a better person from all that. That's life for you. You recalibrate, you reload, and you reengage once again. Better. Wiser.

You mentioned that "it has been years in the making". You are only 25. Did you start this since you were......a fetus? Hahaha! Because honestly, it is impressive! The logic. The reasoning. Great perspective. The language. The delivery. The message you are trying to convey. The amount of sensitivity. Simply impressive! (Feeling like a professor grading from a rubric here). Not too many people seek out this type of knowledge, let alone a man. Nothing personal against men. I am simply saying that deep understanding regarding human dynamics and relationships are not something men would actually seek to understand at your age. I encourage you to delve more into this. Being on a different level of understanding than an average person places you in a high advantage point. Knowledge is power!

Today was an ok day. Slightly better than yesterday. It helps writing my thoughts here. I find it to be a safe venue. And I appreciate you writing back. Someone to talk to. I have plenty of friends, but I don't share with them this side of me.

When you mentioned that it is so rare for people to have the type of relationship that you want, what does that mean? Care to elaborate?

Drinks in Minnesota, huh? Hahaha. I actually have never been to Minnesota. Is it beautiful over there?

[GLYC]

Haha, that's hilarious! You will have to shoot me some of your other recommendations.

Yes, Corey's book is catered towards men. Women can still benefit from it, as it helps them understand what they respond to. But it won't be as helpful.
Hmm, what do you mean by style of approaching women? As in talking to a random woman in the streets or?
I implement a lot of the things that he teaches, so I would say my approach is very similar to his.
I've read his book a number of times as well as watched a lot of his videos, I guess for me, he is much more relatable in comparison to other male authors and dating coaches. I really stand by what Corey teaches for the most part, I think that if you're using what he suggests, and it doesnt work, the woman probably wasn't all that into you, or else there was another guy in the picture that she had more history with. Wouldn't work on you?? I think I could prove that wrong (too cocky?). And if it didn't work? Well, I guess you'd be missing out on one hell of a sweet catch! Haha. Can you give an example of something that he's suggested that wouldn't work on you or you disagree with? I feel like you totally just went and watched a bunch of his videos. Hahaha

And yes, mines academic as well. Was kind of at a career stallmate position and I wasn't content with that. Decided i needed to progress my career.
Basically packed up all of my belongings, moved 3 hours away to attend school and start working towards the next adventure.

That's crazy that that happened 20 years ago, and he's reaching out again. I guess he regrets passing up a good thing when he had it.
Yeah, tough situation. Sometimes in Life you just need to roll with the punches.

And I would say I really started when I was 21-22. As in reading articles, books, etc. So its been occurring off and on for a few years.
Before that I was already naturally just learning from my own experiences and critiquing myself. Every time something ended or didn't pan out, I never put any blame on another person, I just looked at myself and what I could have done better. Really ransom, but when I started getting more into this stuff, I planned an awesome date with a woman, anyways I had made a mixtape for in my car for when we were driving from place to place, one of the songs was Tom Petty - Learning to Fly. She blew me off with the old "call me later to confirm" trick without answering (never call to confirm plans, why put your plans on hold for someone that feels "eh" about things). I pretty much listened to that song every single day and it always served as a reminder to self reflect on every way I could improve. I've probably heard that song 10,000 times.
Dorky, I know.

You really do sound like a professor with that statement, like the overly enthusiastic theatre type (I'll give you a B+ for effort). Hahaha

I definitely will continue reading, and learning about it. I think it's actually really enjoyable. And it really does place you at a serious advantage. The only bad part is how are her future lovers going to live up to her new expectations? Kidding, haha. But really. It takes a lot of the pressure off a person, when you can just go about with things and not really have to worry anymore since you know the answers, you can just slowly create the love story and just let it naturally evolve.

Well good, I'm glad I can help. It's fun talking with you.

For people to have the relationship that I want, I'm talking about a relationship built on serious trust (we both still hang out with our own separate friend groups and do our own things at times), lots of laughter (we still say dumb things and beat on each other like kids do, in a loving manner), and for the courtship to never end, meaning, we're always planning fun new activities together. There's a lot more a person could say. I just know I don't want to be involved in a house arrest relationship where I never see my friends, and where we only follow the exact same routine every week. Sorry, not my cup of tea.

Minnesota is great. Crazy weather. But I enjoy it. I like the array of scattered small towns, you can find all of these cool hole in the wall venues and places to eat with amazing food. All of the nature scenes. Driving through the open country. And if that's not your style, the Twin Cities pretty much have everything else.
Plus, our accents are awesome, and we have hot dish. Aye, Dontcha think bud? Haha