My mind is a mess, need advice

[Rooster93]

A long time ago during a new years party i saw this cute gorgeous girl across the table, sharing brief eye contact before she looked down on her plate. She was 16 i believe. Shortly after she left with her BF.

Last year we went on a vacation with a large group of fam and friends. I met her there again, still cute and gorgeous. I wasn't able to say hi and have a little chat with her which really brought me down and thinking "the f is wrong with me". On the last day of the vacation while waiting in the airport, she was staring at me for quite a while. As a shy guy my face probably turned red and my heart beat twice as fast. I believe she was single

When i got home i was really disappointed with myself and started changing. Usually always playing video games, i started going out to parties and to the gym. I started looking at guides and videos on how to talk to girls and communicate and what not.
I came across a topic about ""Caligynephobia", a fear of beautiful women. And it really described me.
I told myself it was bullsht and i just had to try harder. So a few months later i added the cute and gorgeous girl on facebook. (Something this simple took me alot of energy). She accepted my request and we started chatting a bit. I asked her if she wanted to go out and chill but we couldn't get it planned. Month later she had a BF.

At this point i felt really bad and psychologically closed my heart so i wouldn't get hurt by other "crushes" or beautiful women. About half year later one day i get a random text of her asking me if i was going to a party she also was going to. When i saw her there we had brief eye contact, and i got nervous. I gathered all my guts and went to her to say "hello, how are you?" After a short chat i left with my friends and i felt great for being able to just say "hello".

Another party was coming up and she texted me if she could come along, which to i agreed immediately. I probably drove 2 to 3 hours extra just to pick her up and drive her home afterwards. During the party i again had some sort of "panic attack" and basicly avoided her while she was hanging with her friends. A week later there was another party and she texted me if i was going. This time i said "yes, wanna come along?". She agreed and came to my city by train so i wouldnt have to drive all the extra miles to pick her up. This time, getting to know her a bit better i was able to stay with her at the party. We left early because it was a bit boring and went to get something to eat. After i brought her home my mind was a big mess, confused , afraid and what not.

At this point i havent really opened up my heart yet but i do really like her. So i asked her out and 3 days later on monday (this week) we went out on a date. We had a good time although she did say i was quite quiet and i should say something about myself. I tried as hard as i could to get myself talking but somethings just holding me back. Nothing more then smalltalk that day. (Favorite color, whats on your bucket list etc.) She also aksed my if i liked anyone and in my mind i was like "i like you" but i opened my mouth and couldnt get anything out. After some activities and a movie (dont watch "it follows" it really sucks) i took her home and she said she had alot of fun. She hugged me which felt like it lasted for quite sometime.

After i got home my mind was again a storm. I cant sleep and i dont know what im feeling. I really like her but something is pulling me away. I look up to being a gentlemen and i believe that in life, one should only have one partner. I never have had a GF because of my believe and pickyness. But im also fine with her having had multiple boyfriends and being a very outgoing person.

I feel scared, nauseus, afraid of getting hurt. When i check her snap i think shes hanging out with other guys, which is BS because i know shes working.
One part of me is asking if shes the right one, and another part of me really likes her. Yet my heart seems to be closed to let love in. Its like WW2 inside me.

She had a vacation planned next week with her female friends and will be gone for a week.
Im probably gonna worry myself sick while shes gone. Im gonna ask her on another date and try to explain why im so quiet and my feelings.

- im feeling nauseus, bitter and scared
- i think im afraid of getting hurt.
- i never show my emotions although im a very emotional person
- my heart seems to be closed and i dont know how to let love in.
- Caligynephobia is probably playing a role

Need help, im so confused. Im writing this at 4 am cos i cant sleep.

[GLYC]

Don't explain yourself, it sounds like you're over thinking everything. Stop concentrating on locking her down or relationships or anything else.

Simply go out with the intent to go out with her and have a good time! Live in the moment. It's what's helped me the most, lose your expectations, they're a limiting belief.
Such as, if I don't see this woman again I'll be crushed. Instead. Just focus on, hey, even if this is the last time I see her it'll make a great memory. And smile about that.
Men think, I need to lock her down within so many days/datest, she needs to text back within this amount of time, NO. Go with the flow.

Be charming and witty. When she asked if you liked anybody I would have just made a joke and smirk. "Are you hoping that I'm going to say your name or something?"

I think the fear of attractive women is because you haven't approached enough of them, which is natural. A lot of men feel that way.
You need to treat all women the same (even if you think theyre butt ugly). Be laidback, positive, funny, charming and be yourself.