Why do I keep doing this?

[MortensOrchid]

A few years ago I had a thing for coworker. When I was no longer working for the same company I was texting him and I asked "Want to hang out?". He texted back "I am not interested in you romantically." I straitened my cuffs and lapels and texted back "Well love makes you fat doesn't it?" No contact since.

I continue to stalk him through Facebook. We know enough people in common, it's a fairly small city we are in, paths may cross again someday. But I am ridiculous about it. I can admit fully that I am taking on the sociopathic stalker mentality, I'm insecure but I am not going to make a scene about it. I've had many an adventure since then and have had others since him, but I keep looking at his activity on Facebook. Once I even drove by his house while on an errand to see a friend who happened to live nearby and I saw him in the yard (or I was pretty sure I saw him). I'm not about to do something I will regret, but ... I wish I could not be so insecure.

Advice?

[TheEvilJester]

I don't... I don't think I understand what you mean by love makes him "fat." Is that a saying? I can't recall ever having heard that in my life.

Anyway, I'm also not entirely clear on what advice you are looking for here. I think probably why you still sort of "stalk" him on social media is because there is part of you that once really liked him. That thought maybe there could be something special there. So, even now that you tried and he was not interested, you still can't help that part of you once was hoping there could be romantic possibilities for you two. I would venture to guess if you'd found somebody else you wouldn't think about him all that much. But, since you still haven't really found anybody else (at least nothing lasting), part of you can't help but still wish there could have been something there.

I think we all do this to some degree/at some point. Especially with social media being as ever-present as it is these days. Often we can't even understand why ourselves, but there is just some compulsion to do it. Hell, I'll even admit, albeit with some embarrassment, that I can't help myself on occasion. Even people I once really liked (as friends or even as somebody I hoped could be more than friends) but now hate because they proved to be bad people.... sometimes I still can't help but peak at their social media. I don't even really know why/what I want to get from it. Fact of the matter is I want nothing to do with them. If the very same person were to suddenly walk into the same room as me..... I'd walk out. Yet, for some reason I can't help myself.

And then there are some people (my ex, for example) were I have ABSOLUTELY no interest what-so-ever in even so much as peaking at their social media. They ruined whatever spot they once had in my life and they don't deserve even a millisecond more of my time or thought. So, I'm not even sure what is the distinction between those who wronged me and therefore I have no interest in even knowing they still exist, and those who wronged me yet occasionally I peak at their social media.

Anyway, in time you'll move on even if you haven't fully done so yet. He wouldn't even give you a chance so, frankly, he didn't deserve a chance anyway. You'll find somebody. When you do, that will definitely help you to see that he didn't deserve a second of your thought once he turned you down. But, for now, do your best to just reach that conclusion even without somebody else in your life. You deserve to be happy, and ideally you can achieve that with or without a relationship. Easier said than done, I know, but I sincerely hope you can find your way to that peace of mind.

Good luck!

[richiro]

you are unhealthily (word?) insecure - to a clinical degree.
I would advise seeking assistance from a professional to help with this.

In all honesty this is probably rooted in something that's happened to you growing up and thus it is innate and automatic at this point so simple tricks and words of advice won't help here.
And in the end - the fix is really you, and up to you. Either you choose to stop it and FORCE yourself to stop and keep working at it (which it will take anyway if seeing a professional for help), or you don't.

It is very difficult to re-invent yourself, especially with tons of triggers (which you undoubtedly have) - so if you're looking for a quick fix, a simple solution - there is none. It will take committment, dedication, and persistence "until it's done" - which can and will take however long it takes (bank on it taking a few years if not many).

For me.. i went thru this 10 yrs ago and still working on a few things but have goten by most things. I would say the first 2-5 yrs is when you get thru the MAJORITY of triggers.. but the final last triggers take a WHILE because they are so buried deep, and hardly ever come up, that it takes a while to discover and come across situations that evoke THOSE rare triggers that you then have to deal with.

Good luck. Please definitely consider and atleast visit a counselor or 3 just to see how that goes and what it can do for you and help you .... you can always stop. but without starting you never know.

[Hooo!]

I wouldn't be so harsh.
But the mistake you are making is that you insulted him when he just simply and clearly stated that he is not interested.
Be grateful for that.

And why you are stalking him has different possible reasons: 1 ) you recognize that he is more mature concerning all this and you want this from him
2) you are interested because you like to get what you don't or can't have
3) you have developed an unhealthy unresponsive crush
4) you just have nothing better to do
5) you haven't met other men to spike your interest or for that matter compare them to him
6) anything I did not guess
7) a mixture of the above

What do you want?