Mixed signals/do I wait...

[Welshgirl88]

I (f29) met a guy (m28) at our work summer party (we both work for the same company). We hit it off really well and he ended up coming back to mine and we slept together... lots! There was an amazing spark. He had to leave early the next day as he was having his daughter that weekend.

The following Monday we see each other at work. He explained he hadn't messaged since (I assumed because he was with his daughter so wasn't worried about it) as he wanted to see me at work. We had a casual chat and started messaging each other.

Messages are a mix of flirty, very flirty and nice general conversation. After a week and a bit of messaging he asked if I wanted to hang out at his last Thursday. Neither of us were really ready for a relationship- I broke up with a long term guy in February and he had broken up with a girl a month ago so agreed it would be very casual, no strings evening. I was fine with this.

Thursday evening was great. We had amazing sex and had dinner and chatted for hours - turned out we had loads in common and had that chemistry where you wind each other up so much it's great (I guess the word banter would be appropriate but I hate that word!)

Next morning things were weird. He told me he didn't want to sleep with me that morning and didn't want to be just friends with benefits because he had had such a great evening with me. He also found it weird already having another girl over after his ex which I totally understood - I wasn't going to stay the night but he offered and was easier driving wise.

I was completely thrown by this as I wrongly assumed he would be the type of guy who would just want to be friends with benefits. To be honest I'm still a bit confused but we did have an amazing evening and was bizarre how much we got on - not sure either of us was expecting it to be honest.

Next day I sent him a message basically saying I had a great evening but don't want go be romantically involved with a guy who's not 100% ready but I wasnt going to wait for him to be ready. He needed to take some time and figure out what he wants. However when he is ready , and if im still single, be interesting to see how things go. As we both agreed it would be ashame not to hang out again, I suggested a friendly drink in a couple of weeks. He said all that sounded lovely.

Since then I've avoided messaging him. Obviously finding it hard to get all this out my head and still pretty confused by it all.

Having spoken to a couple of girl friends, they seem to think he freaked out as he saw me as potential marriage material. On the way to his, he was pointing out all the places he grew up and where his parents live. He also told me his life plans. I tried to laugh off my friends suggestion but now wondering about it.

Probably a case of great guy at sadly the wrong time but I'm finding it hard to be strong, not message him like we were and see other people. I have a date lined up for next week with a guy I talked to on tinder but honestly finding it hard to get the work guy out my head!

Any thoughts/help/suggestions would be great!

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[WiltedRose]

Sounds very confusing but if he really wants you bad timing and all I think he'll be with you now and not be able to leave ypu in peace, I fell for the wrong man and have been struggling to keep him out my head but it does get easier just keep busy, I have met up with a new guy a few times now and am so worried that my ex will keep popping up in my head but hoping it will be short lived

[Welshgirl88]

I guess that's a good point. I just don't want to be with a guy who's not ready and don't want to come across clingy/pushy. Guess I'm slightly worried he's just being nice so not to hurt me (but this could just be past experience with other guys!)

Glad to hear it gets easier! Hoping I'm able to think of him less soon too! Guys can be so confusing!

[Hooo!]

It's time for that drink.

Don't be too fast.
I understand you want things to become serious, but that doesn't mean you can't take it slow and give it some time to see if it can work out seriously.

It's like you tell home:"look dude, either you know now that you want to marry me and have kids, or I'm not gonna date you."

Chill a little more pls

[Welshgirl88]

Yeah was thinking of asking him some time this week. To be honest never asked a guy before - the guy usually asks me so this is a weird feeling for me and could explain why I'm so nervous!

I don't need to become serious straight away. I just need to know where I stand I guess and what he's thinking/feeling about me. Like, for example, was he just trying to be nice or did he genuinely turn out to be interested in me and feel that connection I did.

I'm willing to give it all the time he needs but if it's going to slow or I'm not feeling like he's interested then of course I'm going to keep my options open.

It's not like I'm asking him to marry me, just asking him to go on a date or 2 and see how it goes.

[richiro]

hate to say it, but the "female-centric perspetive" when it comes to dating/relationships advice is horrible. It is way too biased on the side of "he wants you, you're too good for him". So let me set the record straight. If you want to know what a man is thinking.. ASK A MAN. If you want to know what a woman is thinking, ask a woman. You are asking about a man, I suggest you listen to a man. Here is my take.

Firstly, does it make ANY sense to you that if yo met somebody you are so incredibly connected with and have mind-blowing sex with and everything is awesome ------ that you'd run away from them and decide to stop seeing them because you are "scared"? Does that really seem logical and real? Male thinking: no way. This never happens.

Secondly.. does it make sense that a man just out of a long-term committed relationship including a DAUGHTER would be "scared of committment" finding somethign so connected and mind blowing? That makes zero logical sense to me. He's already shown he's NOT afraid of committment so why would he start now? That's just female-centric "BS".

Thirdly, does a man ever say "this is too soon to be sleeping with another woman after the recent ex-"? No.. that sounds a LOT MORE LIKE his EX- getting that stuck in his head does it not?

So here is the REALITY of the situation as I see it. He's totally into you. He was super happy and all for a scintillating fwb with you. But he has a daughter.. with his ex-. Men are suckers for a daughter. Ex- is using the classic "family guilt trip" especially with the daughter on him. Especially only after 1m onth away. She's guilt tripping him back to "the familiy" and its impsosible for him to not comply because it's a daughter. So now what you are hearing is his ex- talking to you, and he complying out of guilt.

Will he fight thru it and come back to you as an fwb? I have no doubt he certainly REALLY wants that - but the "female family guilt trip" (especially with a duaghter in the mix) is just way too powerful and women know how to pour that guilt trip on BIG TIME (yo know this deep down)....

That's what's going on. And if we look at history. you will also know far too well that "the other woman" never wins this one, and always gets hurt.

I don't know what advice to give you specifically on this - that decision is up to you if you want to immerse yourself in this type of ongoing triangle, hot/cold, yes/no situation with your heart involved when the odds are against you.... for an fwb.. or if you want to decide to find a less dramatic situation with odds in better favor for you.

Good luck.