Sexual Frustration vs. Separation / Divorce

[RutChkrLghtWrkr]

Our marriage used to be what I would consider a normal, average one. Before we met I had never had a girlfriend neither had I been involved with anyone sexually. I was not a religious or even spiritual person, but for some reason I had the idea that I am supposed to wait for the one I am meant for and then make that special someone happy with all that I have "saved up" for her and her only, like, what I would give her would not be what I have been giving to others as well just the same. Looking back from a spiritual point of view today I would say this is some kind of karmic arrangement that I had planned exactly this way.

I "met" with my wife on a chat board. We felt some kind of pulling together I guess, on my part I would say she seemed to share my way of rational and logical thinking that is somewhat rare among women to the degree I saw in her. We decided to meet. I was (and am) an Eastern European living in the UK, she is also of EU origin except she is Slavic. Very different culture to mine, but she does speak my language fluently due to closeness to the border of their village. We both live in the UK now.

When we met first I spent a few weeks with her family. The next time we met we got married. I guess we just got along well. I was not an advocate of marriage, but it was necessary for us to live in the UK anyway. She really wanted to, so she bought the ring (with me present) and kind of "made" me propose. I do not mean I was coerced. It was supposed to happen, I just went along with it, like I tend to go along with everything live brings my way. I pretty much never initiate event, I would say I go with the flow of like, like driftwood, without much resistance.

So we moved to the UK, and a few years later we had a child, and another one a few more years later. Like I said I had not been with a woman before her, and she only had one sexual encounter before me, which was a "shock" to me at the time we were chatting online, as I was "expecting" someone similar to me, who would keep herself for me only. That moment she seemed like a "used rug" for a little while, even though it was one encounter, whatever the background of that was. The point here being that I had no clue as to my sexual preferences, except maybe that I wanted to give head. Which has funnily been one of the main sources of my problems in our marriage - I am kind of addicted to cunnilingus. And while (according to my research) a majority of women enjoy it, she happens to be (I would say not accidentally but decided pre-incarnatively) one of those that do not care for it. She does not outright hate it, but she does not enjoy it (except very very rarely AFTER I had been doing it for a while and mostly if I start using a finger as well).

This may seem a simple issue, like it should not even matter, and it certainly does not sound like a reason for splitting up. Indeed, I would have no reason to be dissatisfied with her if sexuality were not an issue. We do have the occasional argument, but she can be a very loving person, and I have this subconscious predisposition to try and be loving, despite me being more like a person with not much emotion apart from a kind of emotional sensitivity. I do not feel like, for example, giving hugs is natural to me, but I used to give her lots of hugs and kisses and they were simply me expressing to her in her language my appreciation of her. She is a lovable person who honestly expresses her feelings and opinions. I would say she is very easy for me to get along with were it not for a low sex drive and a disinterest in adding different kinds of "spices" to our sex life which for all she cares should be having sex 2-3 times a month using one of 2-3 positions.

But we know this is not sufficient for men, and is a source of frustration in most relationships (unless you are lucky enough to be with a nympho) and I would venture to say that this is probably the greatest contributory factor the divorces, even if implicitly, it lies at the bottom of most frustrated relationships, corroding it slowly.

The solution? I would like to express my thoughts about this in the next few paragraphs. I know open communication helps a lot. I admit, we never discussed this in an absolutely open way where we sit down and talk about this, I do feel that it would not lead anywhere I would like it to. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations, but I also feel that what I perceive as my own needs cannot be ignored like I pretend they do not exist, I have the belief that urges like this should find their avenues of expression one way or another. For almost a decade I have been using a wealth of methods to no avail making her aware that I would like us to have sex much more frequently. She is very aware of this. Maybe she is not aware of how important it is to me, but I think she is. She does "offer herself" more often than the 2-3 times a month that she feels the need to have intercourse/orgasm. But nowhere near to what I feel I would need. You may say this is some kind of a compromise already, but I do not feel this is a solution where it leaves me frustrated on a daily basis.

The other issue on top of quantity (or frequency) is quality. I am aware things cannot be forced on an unwilling participant, especially since my partner's free will (in this case willingness to participate) and enjoyment are of utmost importance to me. I cannot make her want to try a threesome for example. Once we had a superficial discussion of this and she passed (in an exploratory manner) the idea of taking me to another woman to have sex with, if that's the price of us staying together. She seems really intent on saving our marriage, it seems, if it were come to the point of divorce. Then she would be willing to make compromise, even though with what I would call a sour heart. She does not seem interested in my frustration otherwise. I have played a lot of my "cards" with her, some not so nice. We have had a few superficial conversations about the sex issue before, which only resulted in my attitude going cold for her - no more kisses, no more hugs. Saying that, this is more like myself. I do feel the emotion behind these gestures, I just do not express it with them. Not by holding it back though, do not misunderstand. I am simply more "me" by not expressing this way.

She has told me on two separate occasions during some of these superficial conversations that "she could (or knows how to) but is not willing". Whatever that was supposed to be a reference to. You know what I think it was. When she first said that that's when everything changed in me. It hit me. Like a surprise, even though I figure I must have been aware of it or at least have that opinion subconsciously, after all it's logical? Could she have sex every day if she wanted to? Of course. But then again she "can't make herself want to" have sex every day.

The solution is very simple in some couples. She simply does it for him. I have read the comments of many women that do it out of love. Indeed, why can't my wife do it for me out of love? Maybe it's too much? This question has never left me alone. She says she does love me. So how does that work? I have read women giving head daily simply because they love their partner and seeing him satisfied and happy is enough for them to do it. (My wife has not done it for me to completion, not once.) Some will feel the will the practice and will practise to get better at things. Not my wife. I do not know how to reconcile that. Where is the love then. In her staying with me? I feel that's more to do with her being the type that never wants to get divorced. Also she has some kind of emotional dependence on our relationship, and on companionship in general. She feels some kind of attachment to me that she would not want to change to an attachment to someone else. She feels like she should only share herself (at least her presence/companionship) with me and no other. This does affect our sex life as well, as she does sometimes enjoy something in both holes, but would never want the "other thing" to be a body part of another man. I would be curious to explore involving another male for both of our pleasures, but she has some kind of fear of me discovering myself to have an interest in men, maybe ultimately a fear of me leaving her because I grow an interest in a different type of life. She does fear change like that in general.

Especially in the sexual field she seems old-fashioned and against explorations, maybe she would turn around with encouragement, I am not sure. But long-term solutions would involve changes to lifestyle that would be too large for her, even for pretty much everyone in our world today, let alone her. I have read quite a few stories where these radical solutions worked, and even a book that suggested that they should be the norm since they are the natural solution to what and who humans naturally are: "Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships" (also "Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality") by Christopher Ryan.

So what are the possible solutions? As the book I just mentioned: communal living. Sharing rather than owning, as it happens in many "primitive" cultures.I have read stories of people who tried it and it worked. Saying that, I never read a story saying they tried it and did not work. In its simplest form, it would mean either a female joining a couple, to "share the load" that's sexually on the women. Another, for someone bi-curious or bisexual, or for ladies enjoying DP and not minding another male, two couples sharing a household. Possible problems with this solution would be finding the right couple who are suitable and willing, then there is the unwillingness of your own partner, even though I imagine bringing this up with my wife one day.

In Victorian times the solution was using prostitutes, which was even considered normal, considering the practise saved marriages and maintained them in a more stable, frustration-free state. Those days are gone, together with the general acceptance of such a solution, however as a solution it still stands I guess, although the problem with that is that it is not on-demand - You must go find or call and meet or invite.

In today's UK the solution is secret affairs, dogging, swinging, and the like, elsewhere, like in Germany and Sweden, regular group sex meets. I could imagine a life like that, it is possible to work around the kids, but I imagine these solutions are only solutions where the wife wants these or agrees with these. "Putting up" with it or "allowing" it does not feel like a right solution to me. That's the problem, she is happy with the way things are and would not be comfortable with any kind of change, and I would only want a change she can feel comfortable with where she does not force anything on herself for my sake. I understand this is a point where many would beg to differ with me, saying a man must lead, control, initiate, direct etc. and that this is what all women truly want, even those that express the opposite or that are leader types themselves, except maybe the domme types. I consider myself a sub, and feel comfortable with the woman taking control, surely there must be right female matches for my type? I realise I would make a great partner in a gay relationship, however I definitely know I need female involvement. Even though I am curious trying my oral skill on a male participant, which does feel like somewhat satisfying my longings to give oral to a certain extent (at least on an imaginary level), I do feel like I really need the contact with the lower female parts for both oral play and penetration.

Another solution that I have dreamt up is what I like to call "the house of orgies", where I share a communal house with others, each with our own bedroom like many already live in the UK, except this small community would occupy this house with the full knowledge and intention of creating a household where the main purpose of the sharing is sexual action. In my particular case there would be another male and 3-4 females minimum, each with high sex drives. Without going into the technical details of this arrangement, suffice it to say that this would satisfy the sexual urges of all participants on a daily basis.

That reminds me of one of the solutions, having another female live with us, as an aupair would but apart from (or even instead of) helping with the kids she would help stabilise our relationship by providing what my wife can't, thereby saving a potentially happy life for all here. Sounds simple, and indeed would be simple. She would have her own room with unlimited wireless fibre optic broadband, and no housework would be involved, unless desired and agreed upon.

Or very similarly living with a couple as THEIR relationship stabiliser. Ideally with a couple where neither likes giving oral but both want to receive, I would be more than happy to satisfy them both day in and day out with great enthusiasm and the will to get better if and where necessary. I will happily take anal I believe, (I have had a play with toys a few times) and I have this inner longing to become a good anytime (no gagging) swallower. I do enjoy receiving, but as you can see I feel much more of a need to give. Yes, best would be to give and receive as much as possible, of course. I would not mind helping out around the house, I have worked as an au-pair for families before, doing chores as part of my job. I have even lived with 2 gay couples a long time ago, but never took part in any acts with them, simply stayed there or worked for them.

On a side note, sharing a home with another person or couple or family has the added potential benefit of the opportunity to share the burdens of a mortgage. All parties contribute, pay off that mortgage sooner, pay less interest overall, so the repayments can be stopped earlier and the salaries can be saved up instead from that point on.

My wife said once something like "I know all you want is for me to suck your cock three times each day but..." Yes, that "but", and yes she meant it in a derogatory manner, but then if she loves me and "knows" that is all I want, then why withhold it from me? It would improve my mood a LOT. Besides repeatedly pointing out to her my need for daily, sex, I also added that if she does not feel like giving any kind of stimulation with any part of her body, she may use that pocket vagina on me that I have. I told her again later and she said she never heard that before from me. I know she heard me the second time, but she never did what I asked for since - or before. Not once. What's that about?

I appreciate your time and contribution, many thanks.

RCLW

[Hooo!]

You talk too much
You are egoistic
You are in no way empathic.

Let me ask you a question :
If you do not fulfill her life and especially not her sexual and emotional needs then how would you expect her to do it for you?