Help with an ungreatful girlfriend

[MrF15DY]

Ok this is my first post to this forum as i usually dont do this kind of thing but am left with few options. My name is Mark i am 21 years old and my girlfriend (lets call her girl X) is a very ungreatful girlfriend and i need help on what i need to do. so my girlfriend and i have been dating for little over a year now and ever since we started she has known i was joining to military. well i ship out next weekend. The whole time we have dated she has been full support of me and my decisions until these last few months she has been so on edge about everything. i know all girls over think things like this like oh well you will find someone else, or oh you will come back and not love me anymore and this that and the other. well this part has been screwing with me alot. i dont want to leave her but im young and im going to do what i want in life and reach my goals reguardless. so on to another point. she is a CPA at an accounting firm making a very good living with her only bill being a car payment. the car payment should be cheaper but she just has to have that exact car. now yes she can afford it and still has plenty of money as she has no other bills. yet im currently living in a house that i saved up for and is already paid off, i busted my ass to get this house and remodel it and everything by my self with no family help. so i pay the utilities bill, my cable bill, my phone and every other bill a grownup pays. i make half the money she does and work my ass off for it. from the beggining she has always been just so un appreciative of things i do for her. she expects me to pay for every single thing we do. she is too good to eat at the house and im a fairly good cook. but if she wants a certain thing for dinner and i say no im eating home tonight she pitches a fit and pouts like a child. if she wants to have drinks at the house and i was fine not drinking im expected to pay for it. every single time. and god forbid i ask her to pick me up a 3$ can of copenhagen i just ask too much of her and she likes to throw her car payment in my face like she cant spend money on anything but that when she makes plenty of money to pay it. Well i dont mind spending money on her or suprising her with dates or things she wants ( when i can afford it) and never spend money on my self. she is constantly wondering why im broke and fails to accept the fact its all going to her and to bills. I never get a thankyou for anything i do, its like im just expected to be the only one spending money. so the other day i went out and spent some money on myself and bought this new rifle i have wanted for years and finally decided to go get it. so i spent a little over 1000$ and she gets furious because i spend my money on "stupid shit" do i really need someone telling me how to spend my money at this age? she wanted this opal ring for christmas. i went out and bought her the exact ring she wanted. 400$ on this ring, she opens it and had a disgusted look on her face and says it wasnt like i thought it was. do yall wanna know what i got for christmas from her? i got a 25$ gift card to academy sports and i was so greatful for that, kind of a let down i spent all that money and she spent hardly anything. sorry guys im all over the place with this thread but i need help big time. what do i do!!!???

[GLYC]

"i dont want to leave her but im young and im going to do what i want in life and reach my goals reguardless."

Focus on your mission in life. Women are an addition to your life, never give up your dreams for a woman, when they see you doing that,they will lose respect for you.
And a woman can never love a man that she doesn't respect. So, good job. (And thank you for your service if you choose to follow through)

"so the other day i went out and spent some money on myself and bought this new rifle i have wanted for years and finally decided to go get it."

Good. You busted your ass off. Spend some money on yourself, you deserved this, dont let her jerk you around. She should be happy you did this.

"had a disgusted look on her face and says it wasnt like i thought it was."

That's harsh, I'm like you, I could get a pair of socks and I would act excited about it. I would feel hurt by that.
I'm not a gifty or materialistic person, similar to how it sounds like you aren't either, but I care about others, and appreciate anything that I'm given.

As for the money thing, communicate. Exert good communication skills, you're mature, I think you can do this.
Talk with her about the spending thing, say, that you can't be buying all of this stuff, and you need to save some money. Express that you're happy to pay for dates and other fun things at times. But you can't spend all of this money, and you feel unappreciated at times. It sounds like she's come to expect this kind of treatment, and that's the problem. Partially you enabled her behavior by letting it for unchecked. Now she acts like a child when she doesn't get her way.

Make sure to be calm when you express yourself. Don't directly attack her as that will force her to get defensive. Use statements like, "I feel unappreciated when I do.." "I need to save money for the future but I can't because I'm paying for.." She still might get defensive, etc or try to throw a fit. If she acts way too rowdy or gets offensive towards you like raising her voice or swearing, put her in her place. Say, hey when you're ready to talk to me like an adult, let's talk, but how you're treating me now isn't respectful and I don't appreciate that. She will shutdown for a while but come back. Overtime, she will love you more. Women need a partner that will stand up to them, in a healthy way. Having boundaries is needed by both parties. It let's them know that they're dating a true equal. And im not saying to never compromise, that some things aren't better to just let go or to act like a dick to women. I'm saying to communicate when you're upset and when you're being mistreated.

And if a woman ever leaves because you're defending yourself and your boundaries in a healthy mature fashion?
Let her go. She ain't worth it. In fact, she'll likely be back in time. And this time around, those old issues will be resolved and things will be better.

[madotnw_nihs]

You are only 21 and already have a house paid off. You are better off than most people at your age. Just curious, is your gf older than you? I agree with GLYC. Go live your life and don't let a girl run you off its tracks (Especially not someone that is appreciative.)

[dollhouse]

I'd tell her outright to stop being a ungrateful spoiled princess because you treat her well and she only bitches and moans at you and nothing ever seems to be good enough for her... even when you do exactly as she wants, and yet still not good enough... give her an ultimatum... either she shows she appreciates you for you or you go separate ways... see how that goes over, if she decides to go separate ways, bonus for you. I am sure you will find a girl who appreciates you quicker than she'll find a guy to put up with her princess attitude and selfishness.

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest with you, my gut reaction is that she doesn't deserve you. That you SHOULD just leave her in your dust and forget about her. She sounds like a spoiled, entitled brat. She sounds like the kind of person who has always had everything handed to her on a silver platter. Who gets everything a person could possibly want and more and yet NEVER appreciates ANY of it. If that is the life she wants, let her go find some equally vapid and greedy millionaire to marry who will cheat on her the moment she gets a couple years older.

But.... that's my gut reaction. Maybe that's not entirely fair to her. Maybe there are redeeming qualities to her that make you want to remain in the relationship. IF you would rather stay with her, then I think this is the time to put your foot down, so to speak. You should be firm but fair. In other words, it doesn't have to be a screaming match or a character assassination where you tell her she's a greedy spoiled jerk and that needs to change.

But, you also should not just continue to let her have her way like she has. A relationship should be a PARTNERSHIP. Meaning EQUAL. And, heck, it would be 100% different if you both knew and were okay with the idea of the guy being the sole provider monetarily. Some people want that, and that would be fine if that was what you both wanted. But, like most people, you want an equal partner. I am sure ultimately your goal is that you could be the primary bread winner... but right now she makes more money. So, there is no reason she can't buy her own crap now and then, and there is no reason you should buy her $600 jewelry for Christmas and only get a thoughtless, heartless, $25 gift card in return.

Don't get me wrong. When it comes to giving gifts, it isn't about that. It isn't about how much you get or how much the person spent. It truly is the thought that counts. The thing is.... she obviously put little or no thought or care into it at all.

So, again.... If you wish to try to make it work, then just have a conversation with her. As best you can, try not to make it seem like an attack. Do not make it seem like you are accusing her of anything wrong (even though it kinda sounds like she IS very wrong). The idea of the conversation is that you just need to make it very clear how you personally feel on this situation. Things like "Look, I do love to be able to provide for you, but at the same time sometimes you should also be able to buy things for yourself. Especially since right now you make more money than I do, it shouldn't always have to come from my money." Things like "In general, as a couple, we should discuss any spending together. But, I am an adult. I work hard for my money. Occasionally I should be able to enjoy that and treat myself. It would be a different story if I spent like crazy and couldn't afford it, but I don't do that. I rarely ever treat myself to anything, so if sometimes I want to, that should be my right."

Obviously put that all in your own words if you do use it, though. Good luck to you either way. You deserve to be with somebody who will appreciate you. Maybe that CAN be her. I can't really know that. But, if it can't/won't be her, then you deserve the freedom to find somebody else. Again, good luck.

[Hooo!]

Well maybe stop giving her such great things if she isn't great full ?
If she doesn't enjoy it why would you?

If you don't want to leave her then don't
And if ungreatfullness bothers you then just don't give her big things to be greatful for in the meantime.

[Snow White]

When I read your post, I just felt like you sounded totally resentful of this woman and that is NOT a good feeling to have towards your partner.