should I give up?

[MUSEicOfTheSoul]

I transfered high school between my sophomore and junior years. Halfway through junior year I was walking down the hallway when I overheard a guy making a witty comment. It caught my attention. The next day I realized that he was in the choir with me. (There were only 15 people in the choir and he was one of two bass singers.) A few months later Seth started talking to me during a recital, and at prom we talked. He was about to graduate and didn't know what he wanted to do, so he asked for my e-mail address and suggested that we get to know each other. (When we walked back into the room, the song I had requested came on, and the guy who never danced at prom before or since danced with me.) We sent a few e-mails back and forth over the summer.

The fall of my senior year one of my teachers was talking a class with him at a local college. He told Seth that I had asked about him, and Seth sent me his phone number. One of us would call the other and we'd talk for three hours every week. He wanted to talk me to prom, but we got the dates mixed up, he thought he had a final, and I ended up going with my little brother. We started talking on AOL IM over the summer, and into my freshman year of college.

By second semester we were best friends. We could tell each other anything. We'd talk for three or so hours a day, about anything and everything. We talked a lot about relationships, and learned so much from each other about marriage and relationships. After three years I fell in love with him. We had both considered dating on and off, but at that point he was in NY and I was in VA. We also both liked other people. We decided to leave it as it was, but it wasn't working. At the end of last summer I told him I was in love with him. He said he wasn't in love with me. I went back to NY for an MRI recently and we hung out and talked for four hours.

I'm not sure what I should do. Our relationship (despite all the ways we have messed it up) had grown so naturally. There is a spark between us that others notice. He fits into me, my life, and my dreams perfectly. We know each other better than anyone else does. We can guess what the other person is going to say before they say it. When we word something wrong, we know what they meant and take it as such. We just think alike. We've tried to stop talking (I've always suggested that.) but it never works. We miss talking to each other too much. Our values and goals are the same.

Should I give up on him, and accept that he will never love me, or should I wait and see if things change? Evey time I want to give up, the song we danced to comes on, or "listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye" plays. I don't want to start another relationship. He is what I was waiting for, and I'm not sure how to get over him. We make each other better, happy. I can come up with something spontaneous like asking him "A, B, or C?" (A was accept that he doesn't love me, B was believe that he will, and C was continue waiting.) He chose B. I wasn't surprised, he picks the one that leans toward us being together. But am I a fool to wait for a man who may never love me? I'm 20 years old, he's 21.

What do you think?

[CircleC]

...We also both liked other people...He said he wasn't in love with me...He fits into me, my life, and my dreams perfectly.

I picked out some parts to help me answer the title question. I don't think you should give up, I think you should move on.

[MUSEicOfTheSoul]

I picked out some parts to help me answer the title question. I don't think you should give up, I think you should move on.

What is the difference between moving on, and giving up?

[CircleC]

Depending on how you look at it, I guess there could be no difference. A positive spin on an otherwise dismal situation. But there could be a big difference between moving on and giving up. You don't need to completely rule out the possibility of ever being with him to move on and do different things. In other words, no reason to burn the bridge. Giving up just sounds so weak, like you've been defeated. You have to find a victory in the whole thing.

[MUSEicOfTheSoul]

I guess what I'm not sure about is this... I am living in a different state, going to a different University, and have a different circle of friends. So technically I moved on, in a way. But I don't want to be in a relationship. Maybe that's just me having trouble getting over him, or being afraid to get hurt. But not only can I not imagine one... I just don't want it. I was looking for that one person. And I found him. Why would I want to look for someone else?

It's not defeat... we learned and grew so much because of each other. It's just sad, and confusing.

I was really frusterated last night, and I was a jerk. I im'ed him what he wants in his wife (and I nailed it). I said that it didn't matter if he never found her because he would inspire someone else to become her. My away message was about hating when guys think they know a girl, and they don't. And saying that I'd end up being the girl who goes to the guy's wedding because he needs her there even though it's hard for her.... that I'll be there for him no matter what.

If he'd been mad, I would have been able to take it. But he wasn't mad. He was hurt. And he wasn't hurt that I'd say things like that... he was hurt because he feels like he took me for granted. He felt like crap, and that made me feel like crap.

It's a vicious cycle. We care too much to not be close. We care too much to get mad and walk away. and we care enough that when the other one is upset, so are we.

[CircleC]

But I don't want to be in a relationship. Maybe that's just me having trouble getting over him, or being afraid to get hurt

or maybe it's just you not wanting to be in a relationship. That's normal. The only thing it means is that you don't know a guy with whom you'd like to be in a relationhip with at this point. All you're doing there is setting standards. It gives you a chance to figure out what it is you look for and do not look for in a man. And that is one of the best things you can do before looking to be in another relationship.

I am living in a different state, going to a different University, and have a different circle of friends

This explains why you aren't with him perfectly. Now, think it this way:
1. He is living in a different state.
2. He is going to a different university.
3. He has a different circle of friends.
These can be the first three items on your mental list of "what I do not look for in a man at this time of my life". Doesn't need to be a big deal, just keep it in the back of your head.

It's a vicious cycle. We care too much to not be close. We care too much to get mad and walk away. and we care enough that when the other one is upset, so are we.

I feel like you regressed a bit at the end of your post, lol. But you've identified the cycle. And no matter what kind of cycle a person is living in, it can't be fun for long. You need to break it. You care this much now, and the distance hasn't changed that. I see no harm in a clean break for a while. So, I'll just say give up. For a while, at least. See where it leads ya. You can always change your mind again down the road, don't forget that.

[Rosebud]

I can't help but think this thread reminds me of a movie, but I'll be damned if I can remember the name of it.... ah hah "My best friends Wedding"

The only thing I can relaly say on this is if it's meant to be it will be. you guys could continue to stay friends for the rest of your life and the all of a sudden realize you ahve so much more. But with you feeling this way and him not, it makes for a hard situation. If you want to stay friends with him, you have to be able to accept the fact that he doesn't feel the same way. If you stop talking to him you will probably lose him forever but at this point you don't have too many optiions. they say if you let something go and it comes back it's meant to be. Maybe that's what you have to do here. I wish I had more advice for you here hun!

[shh!]

He has already expressed his disinterest. Believe him, and move on. He obviously cares about you, but maybe more like a sister, and just doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Do you really want him to "give in" to your wishes without his heart being into it?

[MUSEicOfTheSoul]

Do you really want him to "give in" to your wishes without his heart being into it?

no. good point.

[MUSEicOfTheSoul]

lol! nice! I have that movie... hated it.

sometimes I wonder if I should just let him go, even as a friend. but we have tried that... well, I have always been the one to suggest it, in the past and it doesn't work. He doesn't want to lose the friendship, or let it go. and I miss him. If I don't start talking to him again he starts talking to me.

I really appreciate the advice.... it helps just being able to vent or be confused.

[MUSEicOfTheSoul]

You can always change your mind again down the road, don't forget that.

True. I have tried that before... the problem was that neither of us could do it. If I didn't start talking to him, he would start talking to me again.

[MUSEicOfTheSoul]

So, Seth and I have gotten close again. We are working through the difficulties of trying to maintain a relationship long distance. When I'm home we see each other, and he's talking about coming to see me on his break next semester. He wants me to preview his future wife before he asks her.

A part of my heart still hopes that someday he'll be in love with me, instead of just loving me. But the reality is that our friendship is more important. We have a good thing. So why not enjoy it instead of worrying about what the future holds for us?