Accepting presents from someone who's not your boyfriend/husband

[Strangehairjoe]

Hi to everyone, especially to the women here whose help I desperately need

First of all, I'm German, so English is not my native language and I hope you'll forgive me possible mistakes
Secondly, I post in an American forum because my girlfriend is American, born and raised, so I'd rather like to hear your opinions about my problem in case there's just a cultural difference that I'm not aware of, but that led to the fight my girlfriend and I had just yesterday.

So, my girlfriend is doing a business trip right now. She works for a big company that doesn't mind to spend some money for the comfort of their employees, so she ended up flying first class yesterday, meaning she was surrounded mostly by other business people and rather wealthy folks. Some of those guys got her a necklace, watch, bracelet and earrings worth around 600US$ (anonymously). I personally think it's an inappropriate gift from an unknown man or even unknown person in general, no matter if she was single or not. If she'd be single, to me such an expensive gift would seem like this guy is trying to buy his way into her pants and/or impress her with expensive glitter. Since she is not single, this gift might be an attempt to show her that he might be able to offer her more than I can. No matter how I slice it, I think it's an inelegant and inappropriate present to a single woman or to a woman that might have a boyfriend or be even married. If I would get such a present by some rich cougar, single or not, I would always politely refuse it. In the former case to show that I don't accept presents from people who think I'm cheap and easy to impress, in the latter case to emphasize that I don't accept that kind of presents by anyone else than my girlfriend.

That being said, back to what actually happened.
She got the present, sent me a picture of it (she had wifi during the flight) and asked me about my opinion and whether she should keep the jewelry or not. I told her that I would not accept it, and I also explained her why. She obviously liked the stuff and wanted to keep it, so she told me that this happened to her a few times before (she's flying first class with the company all the time and she's really beautiful, has even been a runway model in NY for several years, so she really is an eye-catcher). She told me she usually would send the gift back, knowing that the rich guy will insist and want her to keep it anyway, and thus she would be able to keep it with no strings attached. I replied that to me it looks like these guys are playing a game. If she ends up accepting the present eventually, those guys kind of get what they want. They know that the woman liked their present enough to keep it, even if a part of them didn't want to accept it for various reasons. Maybe it's even a laugh for them to know that a maybe existing boyfriend will have to see their girlfriend wear another man's present.

She didn't take it very well and said she would think it's flattering, very kind and generous to send her such a present, from a man that obviously was so impressed by her beauty that he would spend 600$ on her as an attempt to talk to her. I told her that to me it's a cheap way to impress someone with money and that I wouldn't accept it no matter what if I were her. I also told her (and I mean it) that I wouldn't mind at all if some guy would sit down next to her, talk to her, invite her to a drink and try to flirt with her. But she kept twisting my words, or maybe she really didn't get my point, but she became angry, started to mock me because "I'm such a good and way better person than her", accused me of calling her cheap and forcing her to sent the present back... No matter what I said she would insist that it's all about me being jealous of another guy, which is not the case. I'm not rich, but I definitely make a very good living and don't need to hide. I just wanted her to understand my point of view and why I think it's not OK to accept these kind of presents. I also told her that this was only my advice (that she asked for!), but that it's all up to her and that even if I'd be not happy with her accepting the present, I would get over it. But she told me she would get rid of it, even throw it away if necessery.

Today I saw that she posted a video on facebook first thing in the morning. It shows her wearing one of her business suits and all the above mentioned jewelry and the watch, zooming in on the details of the necklace and posing with the watch and bracelet with a (maybe I'm just being paranoid now...) mocking smile. Subtitles say "SO glad I decided to buy this awesome jewelry after all."


I didn't confront her yet, and honestly I don't know if I should cause I really don't know if all this shit is just a cultural misunderstanding. Maybe my point of view is just a European thing and an American boyfriend wouldn't give a shit. But I think she could've at least spared me the video... She know's that I like to check her facebook page when she's on business trips so I feel at least a little closer, that's why I'm kind of sure she did it on purpose to hurt me...
And just as I write these lines I see that she deleted the post or at least blocked it for me, so she maybe realized herself that this was unnecessary bullshit from her side... I don't know.


Sorry for the long text, but I really would like to know your honest opinions. What did I do wrong? What could I have done better or in a more sensitive manner? What about accepting presents from other dudes, is that OK in the states?

Thank you very much in advance!

[madotnw_nihs]

To start off, I am a guy and American but here is my 2 cents.

I have also traveled via first class for business countless times. I also share your sentiment it is inappropriate to accept gifts of any kind from strangers unless you are interested in some sort of relationship. Some, not all, men in first class do play games and want to display their "power". It is difficult, but people who are in relationships should decline these gifts.

Also, how would she send the gift back? Does she have their addresses? My ideal significant other should just decline the gift on the spot. I don't think you did anything wrong by expressing your opinion. It seems that she is very materialistic, which is fine. I certainly like shinny things as well, but I prefer to acquire them on my own. But who knows, if I were a runway model, maybe I would think differently.

[Strangehairjoe]

Thank you very much for your opinion, of course a male perspective is also very helpful! As to how she should sent the gift back: as I said, she texted me during the flight. So what she did was asking the flight attendant to take the jewelry back to the anonymous guy and tell him that she doesn't want it. Of course the guy insisted and let the stuff get back to her, and from then on she kept it as a present with "no strings attached" as she put it. She told me that she wanted to try to give it back or get rid of it anyway, but she obviously did not...
If she would've just told me she's gonna keep it I maybe wouldn't be too happy, but I definitely would accept it. But she told me she would get rid of the stuff, and now she's posting a ton of pictures with the jewelry in the spotlight...

[madotnw_nihs]

At the end of the day, I don't think this is that big of an issue. Just tell her to be honest with you. If she wants to keep it she should just be up front with you.
With regards to the video thing, don't worry about it too much. She is proud of the gifts and wants to share it. Heck, I've received big gifts from clients like a 1000$ TUMI bag. I went and posted it on FB right away.

[Strangehairjoe]

I wouldn't complain if she got a 1000$ present from a business partner, that's something different from my perspective. She got it from a complete stranger, that just wanted to play games with or impress her and maybe get laid without any effort...
But am I weird for not being too excited about the thought of having another dudes presents on my girlfriend when we go out in the future?

[madotnw_nihs]

I wouldn't be excited either. But it is what it is. When your SO is attractive, it happens. Gifts also requires less effort, so guys with money may choose that approach. As long as you and your gf can handle it. Keeping/not keeping gifts is you two's judgement.

[Spinosaurus]

I agree with your statement that it is not okay to accept such ridiculous gifts. I think I would feel flattered and offended at the same time - as you said it comes off as cheap and easy. I would not accept the gifts, regardless of being in a relationship or not. Also, personally I don't value jewelry that much but many women do. So I can imagine that for you girlfriend it was very tempting to keep the gifts without it having any actual meaning to her.

[omgtotallyxo]

Context is very important here. Who are these people? Are they doing business with the company that she works with? Or potentially want to? It could be a way for them to get business from the company and building business relationships.

If its not about building business relationships and they are just trying to get into her pants, then thats an issue...on the part of the men. Did she play any part in encouraging them to give her the gifts. If not, then she didn't do anything wrong. Doesn't seem that big of a deal, if its only a $600 gift, to be honest, to a wealthy person. 600 dollar gift is like a friendly gesture to wealthy people.

[madotnw_nihs]

omgtotallyxo, I think she is getting the gifts from "strangers on a plane".

[omgtotallyxo]

omgtotallyxo, I think she is getting the gifts from "strangers on a plane".

Well, that is strange. Did they just pull a $600 necklace from their assholes?

[madotnw_nihs]

I think these men carry around gifts for these kinds of occasions. Strange and creepy, but it is what it is.

[breathe123]

That scenario & situation of getting that expensive of gifts & jewelry at that is odd to me. Reminds me of what may be call girls might get as bonus favors for service well done. I don 't know of any gf's of mine or family members that have had this happen & if in a relationship you just should not accept those types of expensive & personal gifts at all, from male strangers. ( unless good friends or your own family)

[Strangehairjoe]

Hey thanks everyone for sharing your opinions!

To answer the questions: it was a complete stranger who bought her the gifts, and about where this anonymous person got it from on a plane: you can buy jewelry on planes during the flight in the gift shop. You get a magazine and just pick whatever you like, and if they have still have it you get it immediately brought to your seat by the flight attendant.

[madotnw_nihs]

I haven't seen the SkyMall type magazines for a while on flights. Ugh, not to make light of your situation, but I didn't really like any of the items on there.