Can not finding your partner attractive be overcome?

[dlan]

Hello and Thanks in advance for any advice. Im feeling a great heaviness and mental anguish over a decision i have to make regarding staying in a relationship. I have the best girl in the world in so many many ways and I love her dearly, she loves me, supports me, is honest, kind, hard working, trustworthy, fun, easygoing, has a great figure, and even finds me handsome! I could go on. There is only one problem. I find her face very unattractive and am often turned off by her looks. On top of that she is not aging well and I see this getting more difficult for me with time. I feel disgusting even saying it, but its how I feel when I look at her. You'd think that that would be a deal breaker, but I don't want to leave the relationship. I want to be with her, but how do I get over this issue? Its a problem for many reasons - probably she feels this in little ways and it affects, from purely physical desire, my ability to want to be intimate or to stare in her eyes or make out or feel romance. I know that looks fade and are superficial and I want to get past this, but I just dont know how. Is there a way to accept this situation and truly be happy (both of us)? I dont only want to hear what an ass I am, or that I need to let her find someone who will find her attractive. Maybe that will be the answer in the end, but I want to explore the idea of staying, and how others have dealt with attraction issues like this. Thanks so much.

[madotnw_nihs]

I hear your pain. I personally would not know what to do if I were in your boat. It would be very difficult for me to be with someone initially if I didn't find them attractive. However, if we were together for many years and she isn't aging well, that is a different story. Can you be specific in what facial features aren't to your liking?

[dlan]

well, its hard to describe in words, but theres a bit of a deformity, and looking very haggard/grandmotherly...some days I can look past it, some days its difficult to look past. I want to look past it.

[madotnw_nihs]

There may be better guys on this forum that can give you better advice. I don't if it is something you can look past. A question I do have is why did you get into a relationship with her when you know this will be an issue.

Ways I can think of to get past this.
1. concentrate on her good features. Maybe nose, eyes, mouth. Or other parts of the body. Maybe legs/butt.
2. Is cosmetic surgery an option?

Let's face it, physical beauty is instilled in us via hollywood, ads, and so on. I would think it's possible to unlearn that if you try hard enough. You have to convince yourself that she is beautiful. I know it's going to be difficult, and I am not sure I can do it. But if you have such a great girl, I would do everything I can to make it work.

[dlan]

Hello madotnw_nihs. Well it wasn't as much of an issue when we were younger... and you are 100% right that my standards have been warped by ads, hollywood, etc. but in this case, it isnt that shes not a supermodel... I hope you are right that this can be looked past. she is beautiful in so many ways, but we are also physical animals and purely from a physical aspect, that is not there... when I do see a pretty woman on the street, of course I notice and sometimes desire, but Im not looking for just a pretty face.... Ive dated a lot of pretty women but they had nothing on my current relationship. that said, its not simply that shes plain...

[Hooo!]

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[GLYC]

Yeah, tough situation. If it was a weight issue, yeah. But how described it, she just isn't naturally that appealing.
That's hard, typically people have a hard time overcoming that at first, not later. Or I'd imagine that'd be the typical stance.

Honestly, I feel that some of the worser looking people generally have some of the best personalities.
It's hard with dating, I genuinely don't even give people a chance if I view them as as 4 or whatever out of 10.

For me, I just saw it as, I want them to have someone that absolutely adores them.
I even told this to a woman, I didn't bring up the attraction aspect, but I just said I wasn't feeling it, and I wanted her to have someone that was just crazy about her.

I think sometimes you have to weigh what's present. Physical attraction does have an importance. There has to be something there.

For me, I can't get past it. I don't need a super model, I don't even want a supermodel. But I do want someone that I'm attracted to. Someone that I find attractive despite their flaws. Attraction is subjective though, and can go up. Most of my greatest lovers were people that I was attracted to, but after knowing them, that attraction just skyrocketed, and I literally saw them as an unequal to other women. Even if the reality was there was more universally interpreted attractive women.