Can two injured people make it work?

[Syzygy]

I'm a mid-40s male who's 2.5 years removed from an emotionally brutal divorce. My ex had a lengthy affair with a married man. She was extremely deceitful, manipulative and selfish, and it nearly broke me. I'm just now starting to reawaken. I've been in a new town for a year now and have developed a pretty serious crush on a coworker. Red flag, I know, but hear me out. I feel pretty certain that the attraction is mutual and I recently initiated our first time together away from work, a walk/talk that went on for four hours. We're the same age. During the walk we shared divorce stories and turns out her ex cheated on her, too, and left her with two children. She's farther removed from her divorce than I am, by a year or two I believe.

Before going our separate ways, I asked whether she understood that I had a major crush on her. It wasn't a surprise. Of course she knew. It was obvious. "But we work together," was her immediate response. I told her I'd thought about that. I didn't know where to go from here, just wanted to clear the air. In the past I've suffered rather than reveal my feelings, so this was a big step for me. She didn't proclaim similar feelings, but I didn't expect her to. She was clearly scrambling to deal with this new development. I later apologized for possibly being too abrupt. She said I wasn't and that she appreciated me being clear.

I don't know her dating history since her divorce but I suspect, like me, there hasn't been much of a history. The job doesn't mean that much to me. I'm actively looking for something else. Perhaps that's a mistake. So far work hasn't been overly awkward. But I do sense a lot of anxiety from her. I'm trying to give her space and be as selfless as possible. If this does work, it will be a long, slow trek, and I'm totally up for the journey. But we're both pretty terrified about the whole situation and I fear we're doomed.

She is so great. I don't want to pass this up. Is there a path to success here?

[Oldgal]

Yes, you can make it work. But perhaps shes a little worried about her career. She probably needs the job to support her family. So you can probably understand her anxiety. It seems like yoo both have had a fair amount of time to heal. I would go for it and see what happens. But you will need to be mindful about her comment regarding being coworkers...

[madotnw_nihs]

It was probably a little soon to reveal your feelings to her. If you can find another job and it isn't a big deal, give that a shot. This would really let her know that you are interested.

[froggymom]

2.5 yrs removed from a divorce is ample time to heal and hopefully examine the marriage.Did you go for some kind of counseling to help you in that process? You may still be vulnerable if you didn't get the help you needed. I'm not big on relationships with coworkers. I guess it would depend on the type of job we are talking about. Please make sure you are up to starting another relationship before starting the journey.

[Hooo!]

Well I don’t see why being cautions may not even aid you to begin a healthy relationship

Just get to know each other privately. Go have some fun.
It’s about time

[Syzygy]

Regarding the work situation, there's an upcoming opening that would be a promotion for either of us. I sincerely do not want the job. She does, and I encouraged her to apply. She'd be great. As I've done a lot more job searching the past few years, I wrote a three-page document outlining her strengths and experience as a guide for future interviews. Sometimes it's easier for someone else to pitch your value. They see things you may not have thought about yourself.

I failed to mention before that her father has been dealing with some health issues and she's spent a lot of time driving him to doctors hours away and back, so when you couple that with a potential promotion, well, her plate is full. I've come to realize that me opening up to her was simply too much to deal with. I made it clear that I understand this, apologized for making a stressful situation more stressful, and told her I was backing off, giving her space. I said I still wanted to hang out, but that it would be on her terms, when she's ready.

I think I gained some respect for doing that and I sense she's more relaxed around me. So now I wait and consider other employment opportunities. It's hard. I've really fallen for her, and I know she's interested in exploring the relationship. I can just feel it. Seems like timing is a key element here.

[Hooo!]

no.
timing does not work to your advantage if you dont have attraction
which you dont

you have connection but little seduction and attraction.
If it were the other way around shed long for you
but she doesnt.

[Syzygy]

no.
timing does not work to your advantage if you dont have attraction
which you dont

you have connection but little seduction and attraction.
If it were the other way around shed long for you
but she doesnt.

I'm certainly trying to look at this from all angles, and I've considered the attraction might not be mutual. But how can you possibly say so with such certainty based on a few hundred words? I've been in situations where the attraction was not mutual. Most of us have. You generally can figure it out pretty quickly.

I'm talking about a single mom of two in her 40s whose life was shattered by infidelity. And, as stated above, her parents' health is rapidly declining. Seems equally plausible that the attraction, in fact, is very real but that there are other barriers to overcome.

I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just very skeptical of someone who would make that assertion with such certainty.

Also not sure what you mean by "if it were the other way around ..."

But thank you for the response. I'm open to whatever thoughts/advice I can get.

[Hooo!]

there is generally 3 things you need to establish in order to be able to start a sexual romantic relationship
and there we already have them:
the sexual part. also known as seduction
the romantic part, longing and wanting - also known as attraction
and the relationship part where you are comfortable - also known as connection.

you have connection. Connection without seduction or attraction (and attraction is more like attracting her then being attracted by her) usually leads into the "friendzone".
You leave the friendzone as soon as you start seducing and attracting the other person automatically.
The other way round where you have seduction and attraction but little connection is the "fling" or onenightstand.

If you have attraction and connection going but dont seduce it generally leads to the girl breaking contact (because she thinks you arent interested)

If a girl obviously "likes" you that doesnt mean shes attracted to you or seduced by you.

That is why I actually CANT tell where you are. I just can tell that you have connection enough. To me that means you should actually start the seduction or attraction (which usually should come BEFORE connection).
The problem when you have comfort with a girl first and then start hitting on her the comfort goes away and she can internally be like: "wait a moment, i thought hes my friend and now he wants to get in my pants? He keeps things quiet from me"
If you make it clear you are romantically interested tho and keep on that line, this usually does not happen.
Since i dont know her and the situation exactly it just seems clear to me that time will in this scenario not play into your hands, not will doing stuff with her on a level that doesnt get you going.

but thats just my personal oppinion

[Syzygy]

I've had enough Friend Zone encounters to understand the perils. That's what spurred me to voice my feelings in the first place. My sense is that the attraction is indeed mutual, but that there are trust/intimacy issues to overcome.
The ball is in her court now, as they say. And you're right. There is a clock on this. At some point I will need to walk away from any thoughts of a romantic relationship. I'm prepared for that. Just trying to show some patience for now, given all the other circumstances at play. Thanks again.

[Hooo!]

If you run repeatedly into this you have trouble in the attraction or seduction part.
This is very most likely not trust issues.
Please keep kn mind that people do one night stands. So you do not need much trust in order for things to get started.

You do not only have that part covered, you are doing this more then you ought to. Stop giving out comfort to them.

Lead where you want them to go.
Seduce
Use bodylanguage and touch more
(And i don’t mean to grab em by the pussy)
Push and pull

[rjkennedy]

Hello Sy

Interesting situation, but nothing unheard of. Both of you had situations in the past that you both overcame. Congrats to you both in that phase of your lives. It's amazing how people's paths cross and they find each other. (In ya'll case, on the job).

I personally feel because you both work together, that shouldn't interfere with your dating life. I know a couple from my old job here in St. Charles, IL, who met on the job, dated, then got married (as far as I know, their still together on the job).

Sharing past stories regarding your past marriages, is a way to become more relaxed around each other and experience great bonding. (you didn't say how you felt about children, so I guess her two shouldn't bother you).

I feel you guys relationship will work, just take it slow. Building one brick at a time. I wrote some articles that relate to your situation. Go to the bottom of the page, you'll find my url. (with the beating heart). You'll find them quite interesting. Good luck to you both.