He Blindsided Me By Ending It, I Need Closure, Should I Attempt to Contact Him? HELP

[anonymous1111]

I'm going to start by saying really fast that I've never been "dumped" before. I've always been the one pulling the plug and so the fact that this is a new feeling coupled with how strong my feelings were for this guy...I'm really not okay.

Here's the backstory:

We met on Tinder. Talked for 9 months.

We went to different colleges. We were located close enough to visit one another, but far enough away that having completely opposite schedules, as we did, prevented us from seeing each other as often as we would like.

We hit it off right away. Both of us confessed to having very strong feelings for each other after about a month of steadily (obsessively, really) talking. For the duration of that 9 months we were "talking" (we never officially dated, but I'll get to that), we talked every day, often for like 7 hours each night. We had a very deep connection, but the timing was definitely off and we both knew pretty early on that we were looking at being long distance if we decided to keep things going.

I'll say this: he was a virgin when I met him (he wasn't the best at closing- too polite and not forward enough to make his intentions known) with definite fantasies of sleeping around that became more apparent to me as we continued to talk. I was fine with him have sex with other women as he told me point blank that he didn't want to be exclusive yet despite having "strong feelings" for me and I understood where he was coming from. Due to his inexperience, sexually, and being newly initiated into a fraternity, I could understand that he needed some time to "sow his wild oats", so to speak, and he assured me that I was the only girl he was seriously "talking to", a.k.a. interested in pursuing a relationship with when he felt ready to take that step.

Honestly, typing this all out I know it sounds shady, but this guy really was genuine and kind and made his feelings about starting a monogamous relationship known early on. He's not the bad guy in the slightest.

We had met in the winter of the previous school year, had to be long distance while we were at our respective homes for the summer, but then the fall of this school year rolled around the corner. In late August he kept talking about how we were going to hang out and go on dates and he wanted to introduce me to his friends. He had been talking about music festivals and stuff he wanted us to go to in the future and said he wanted to do a couple's Halloween costume (spoiler alert: we ended up not making it to Halloween). I know all that sounds lofty maybe, but I took it as a sign that he really wanted us to work out.

Despite the lack of a label, we did have a very deep connection and strong feelings for each other. One drunken night over the summer I had decided that the long distance was too much and went to end things, but he literally begged me to keep "talking" to him, saying that I "meant the world to him" so I really believe he had genuine feelings for me. He had professed them many times, sober and not in before, during, or after sex so they never seemed insincere.

Anyway flash to fall. We tried to make plans to hang out but for the month of September I was gone every weekend for weddings, baby showers, etc. and during the week, I worked nights which limited our times to see each other. He continued to reaffirm his feelings for me and finally we got to spend a whole night together in early October. That went great and he texted me as soon as I left the next morning saying that he had a great time and we started talking about meeting up again soon.

Then came the beginning of the end. The following weekend, I was upset because I had done the math and realized how long we had been talking. The vodka went to my head and I decided that if he has "such strong feelings" for me that he should at least be cool with "talking exclusively". I had deleted Tinder a while back as it was an annoyance and I was satisfied only talking to him, but I knew he still had it and figured I'd test him. I went about it the wrong way. A guy was hitting on me at the party I was at and my "unboyfriend" was out of town for a family thing for the weekend so I told him about the guy hitting on me and basically asked permission to sleep with him in an attempt to make him jealous and lock me down. Yes, it was horrifically dumb and not my style at all unless I'm stupid drunk. So the guy I'm talking to replies to my text saying that we're not exclusive so I'm free to sleep with who I want and as long as I still like him, we're cool. He also mentioned hanging out later that week. This pissed me off because I just didn't think, given the length and emotional depth of our "situationship", that he should be cool with me sleeping with someone else. He said he'd be jealous, but hardly phrased it in a way that sounded like he cared. Drunk and spiteful, I had sex with the guy at the party.

The next few days we seemed normal. He didn't mention the incident.

One night about mid-week, I mentioned my antics from that night because I had done some stuff with a girl and I knew that turned him on. He was really into my story and talking about us having a threesome and stuff when I messed up yet again and, while I didn't outright say it, I inferred that I had had sex with the guy from the party as well. He ended the conversation shortly after saying he was tired, but sent the usual "heart emoji" goodbye we always sent so I didn't dwell on it.

The next day he didn't speak to me at all, which was weird for us. The day after, our best friend status on Snapchat disappeared (we had been each other's "number one best friend" for the entirety of our "talking" so this seemed off). When I commented on it (in a joking manner), he said one of his friends had been snapping him a lot and he and I would "get our bff spot back". He snapped me all that day as if trying to get that back so I didn't think much of it. But then he pulled away for a couple days after that point. There was a girl on his Snap story that was making me uneasy and I felt like something was off. When I mentioned it, he said he wanted to get coffee and talk but it was "nothing bad at all". He made it sound like I was being paranoid and I was more than ready to get the "I like you so much but I just don't want a serious relationship right now" talk again. However, I had to go home for a long weekend and didn't want to wait to be told that everything was fine because I'd be anxious so I insisted he tell me what was going on that night over the phone.

Essentially, he said he had "very recently realized" that he didn't have feelings for me anymore since we never saw each other and that nothing romantic and long term would be possible between us since we were looking at a long term, long distance situation eventually if we stayed together. I was heartbroken and mad and felt strung along and used and I was a jerk to him. I told him I was blocking him on everything, he literally begged me not to. He was crying and kept calling me over and over, saying he'd do "anything" for me not to cut off communication with him. This made me more confused. Why was he acting like that if he simply didn't "have feelings" for me anymore? It was a very confusing and upsetting conversation. Eventually I blocked his number as well as all his social media and cried myself to sleep. The next day I unblocked him on social media, attempting to re-friend and follow him now that I had cooled down and the missing him was starting to set in. But he never accepted my requests or followed me back. The next day, I bit the bullet and wrote a long apology text that he read and didn't reply to. I gave him a week to have some space and then sent him a gif in hope of softening him up. He responded with a very cold text saying that we "had grown apart" and he saw "no point in continuing to speak" and felt it was "unrealistic to try to be friends".

So now I've been blindsided by him dropping me and then, because he was begging me to stay in his life, I thought we could at least maintain a friendship or talk a little more about the situation now that the worst was over, but he blindsided me yet again by essentially telling me to not contact him again.

It's now been a month since he initially ended things and in a few days it'll have been a month since he told me he didn't want to talk anymore.

I'm still completely heartbroken and I don't know what happened. Did he really lose feelings like he said? Or was he upset about me having sex with the guy at the party and didn't want to admit it? Or did he feel I was pushing a relationship when he wanted to keep things open? There's no evidence that he met someone he likes more within that short timeframe, but I guess anything is possible.

I'm not necessarily trying to win him back, but I'm still reeling even a month later and have so many questions and don't feel like I really got any closure. If I could re-do everything, I would in a heartbeat. I would've talked to him the night he ended it, heard him out, met up with him for coffee, and tried to fix it. But I acted how I acted and I can't take it back.

Would it be wrong of me to attempt to reach out to him to talk? Is there a reason he did a complete 180 between wanting me in his life still to never wanting to speak to me again?

I know that he's a busy person and he over-analyzes everything and is logical to a fault and I know our relationship is utterly illogical due to the distance and there's a slight age difference (I'm about to graduate, he has another year of school) and our schedules only align once a full moon; but he was like my best friend there for a while and I miss him so much. I'd do anything to have him back in my life again, on any level. I feel so depressed every day, not seeing his name on my phone, knowing that he apparently just stopped caring about me in a four day time period.

I'm so sorry that this is long, but I'm just devastated. If anyone can share any insight (especially if you're a male) into what he might be feeling (a.k.a. is he mad at me or just not into me anymore?) and/or let me know if I would be stupid to contact him, I would greatly appreciate it.

I'm very sad. I'm very confused. I know I shouldn't have tried to make him jealous. That was so dumb.

But I just need some advice because I'm dying inside and I've never been this sad. I need some closure or solid answers or something.

Please help.

[GLYC]

Just speak your truth, which it sounds like you did. Tell him you would like to work things out and for him to get in contact with you if he ever feels the same, the good part about this is it completely leaves the door open for him. And just be like, hey, I'm moving on with my life. And then do just that.

However, I think I would let it go, he said he didn't want to talk anymore. And it sounds like you already communicated you didn't want for things to end.
Take his word for that, if he changes his mind, he WILL contact you.
His loss otherwise.
Any time I've ever been in situations like this, with women no longer wanting me, reaching out on my half did nothing to shift things, I feel like it's better to just walk away.
It has to Be the person ending it to have the idea to reconcile things.

The older I've gotten the more I've realized this, it's pointless to reach out or try to do anything to people who have expressed they don't want you. In fact, I think it's more counterproductive to do so. Walk away, that will show you everything you need. If you never hear from them again, I truly believe that they were just over it, and there was nothing you could do regardless. Ive literally had women reach out 6 months later, a year later, and longer, of course there are also those women who i never heard from again. Regardless. There's really no secret line or phrase to make someone want you again, that's the illusion of action, thinking you need to do something. In reality, you don't.

The jealousy move wasn't a good idea, I know you know that, but that's not attractive for anybody to rub that in. People want to feel special.
I also realize you were doing that as a test to see how much he really cared.

[anonymous1111]

I don't even want to contact him really for the purpose of getting back together.

I understand and can own up to the fact that I messed up in a big way IF that's what caused him to break it off. Love and vodka will make you do some crazy things when mixed. Fun fact: I haven't gotten drunk since he ended it so that I don't risk drunkenly contacting him. I've also lost 20 pounds because I'm too depressed to eat so...

I'm aware and accepting of the notion that he may have been on the fence about me for a while and hadn't decided what he wanted yet and just happened to start pulling away the day after I told him I slept with that guy, even if the two things are unrelated. But since everything was completely normal (he was making plans with me to go on a date that week) until I said what I said...there just seems to be too strong of a correlation to simply chalk up to coincidence.

And of course, I could see how he wouldn't want to come out and say that's what's bothering him since it would technically be "hypocritical" and make him look bad since he said it was fine. (Although knowing him, he probably thought he was calling my bluff because I'm very much not the type to sleep around and had deleted Tinder a while back because I was so, well, honestly, by that point I was 100% in love with him. Like I said love and vodka will make you do some crazy things.)

Also, he was all over the place while ending it- contradicting himself, changing his reasoning. And then when I said I was blocking him, he got extremely emotional saying that he missed me and didn't want me to disappear from his life which was also super confusing because one would think that if a guy really just stopped having feelings for someone, they really wouldn't care- leading me to wonder if there was a deeper, underlying reason that he didn't think could be fixed and thought "losing feelings" would be the cleanest break.

But honestly, I was so upset and in shock that first night when he ended it and I know he wanted to talk and make everything okay on some level, but my heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest and I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I needed some time to digest everything and come to terms with it, which is why I blocked him that night since he kept calling me and sending me pleading texts. But then when I reached out and apologized the next day and he left it on read, I knew I had dug my grave with that last stunt. And that cold, "no point in continuing to speak" text broke my heart more than the original conversation did.

Up until now I've honored his decision to end communication, but just the fact that we were so in this together for the 9 months leading up to the end of October...and then it goes from great to non-existent in a matter of days has really shaken me up. I can't believe it's already been a month since I lost him. I really thought he'd have contacted me by now. I over-analyze things so I just want the full picture to help me understand what happened so that I can stop running the different scenarios in my head. And if there's no chance at reconciliation then at least I can move on with the knowledge that I know exactly what happened over those few days and that it is what it is. Or if he's been completely transparent and literally just stopped liking me that fast, I'll try to accept that too. I'm afraid of reaching out and being coldly shut down again, but I'm also afraid of not reaching out and never talking to him again and always wondering what exactly happened and if we may have had a shot at a friendship at least.

My male friends are very adamant that I hurt him by sleeping with that guy and if he had been on the fence about a serious commitment before, the knowledge that I slept with someone else could potentially move him further back into the "I just want to have casual, meaningless sex" zone. They think that the complete change in his demeanor- from begging me to be in his life while he figures everything out to shutting me out completely- was a coping mechanism since talking to me could potentially "suck him back in". But of course, that's all speculation because I lashed out instead of remaining calm and working through everything like I should have. He's usually very logical and makes his decisions with his brain (except when begging me not to leave) while every move I make is by my heart. He's definitely the kind of person who would just end all communication with me to help himself move on, especially if he was afraid of getting hurt. And of course, that's the scenario that my heart is hoping for, although it's unlikely he'll talk to me again simply because I lost my cool and got overly emotional one too many times.

Obviously, I would prefer for him to miss me and reach out on his own, but as I said, he's very logical and keeps busy so I believe in his ability to resist the urge if he's ever tempted to contact me. Honestly, I thought I'd be fine without one last conversation, but it's been a month and I'm still crying every day and can't listen to songs that remind me of him or watch tv shows we both liked or do much of anything really without feeling the giant void in my heart.

Then again, if I reach out and he shuts me down again, I might end up even worse off than I am now. I definitely understand your stance. It makes the most sense to honor what he said he wanted and leave the option to break the silence with him. It also seems really "like me" to reach out, get overtaken by emotions again and wind up looking desperate and embarrassing myself. I'm just worried that if he's shutting me out because he's made himself believe it's the best option in the long run for both of us, rather than truly not ever wanting to speak to me again, that I'll just never hear from him again and be saddled with this grief and incomplete feeling for a while. He brought so much light to my life and now my world just feels really dark. I don't want to push him if he's still upset though or risk getting hurt even further by finding out that he just doesn't care about me anymore.

I keep writing novels. This is ridiculous. I'm sorry, I'm just trying to work through all of this in my head and make the rational decision for once in my life. If I was listening to my heart, I'd have definitely broken down and sent him an "I miss you" text by this point and I just really don't want to be throwing myself at him. I just want to know everything that happened, if I was to blame, apologize, and go back to living our lives unless he wanted otherwise. Like I said I've never been dumped before so the helpless feeling of "not being able to get him back because he wants nothing to do with me" is completely foreign and really taking it's toll.

Thanks for your help! I'll keep your advice in mind when making a decision. I'm 22, dumb, and Hell-bent on ruining my life for some reason so I need all the advice I can get.

[Hooo!]

Let him know exactly this?

[anonymous1111]

The problem is I’m not sure if it’s too little too late. He hasn’t spoken to me in almost a month. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s angry with me or doesn’t want to risk getting “sucked back in” when he knows he doesn’t want a future with me. I want to talk to him and just be okay with everything. I understand why he doesn’t want to be with me. Long distance sucks. But I miss him so much and just want to talk to him. Lots of people are telling me not to bother because I messed up too badly with my attempts at making him jealous and then with the blocking stunt I pulled. I never meant to be cruel or manipulative. I just wasn’t in my right mind then.

[GLYC]

Well, if you feel a strong NEED just do something like this.

You can just be direct and honest, "hey, I just want to say that i regret how i handled some things, I did this and this, I'm sorry. Anyways, just let me know if you ever want to start over, I would love to see you again one day. Cheers"

Then hard move on.

However, be aware that the other person may not respond, it could retrigger some of your negative feelings back in full force.

I like being authentic and genuine, I did this a while back, like 6 months ago, way different situation, she never got back in touch with me or even responded, for a while I kinda regretted trying to reach out, but eh, I opened a door and was just going for what I wanted. You don't always get what you want, that's life.

[Hooo!]

Write him a letter or something or link him this thread. Or other

I see it this way: either :
you do apologize and try to explain everything and let him know how you feel and then he has a opportunity to understand and decide wether he wants to do something with you or not

OR
You do nothing and it stay like it is now.