Confused

[Macca333]

Confused
Where do I start I’ve been seeing a guy for about 12 months I have know him for over 20 years but connected around a year ago he had been separated for about a year. Anyway at the beginning he did say he was difficult and he hoped he could keep me I never knew what he meant by that but it I knew we were just lovers but then he would invite me around for dinner a lot and I’ve grown very close to his young girls to. Anyway to cut the long story short he goes through these periods of what he’s called it’s like he’s got his period where he just shuts off and doesn’t want contact from me or see me he’s currently doing it now and it’s really hurting me, I don’t understand. I have to have no contact with him for 30 days but he hasn’t said it’s over but he did say at the end of the 30 days it will be either closure or continuation what does this mean. He’s made it clear he can’t do the relationship thing but I feel like we kinda had that anyway. He’s blocked me on Facebook and I just don’t know why he would do that. He said it’s all him not me. I’m missing his girls wondering what he’s told them but too scared to contact him incase he does end it then at the moment there is some hope. Thoughts would be great I’m losing my mind here

[TheEvilJester]

It sounds to me like he may suffer from depression. So, I do feel for him if that is the case. I know how that feels. ....BUT.... as somebody who has experienced that... I know that you can't just shut people out of your life constantly and expect they will still be around. There have been times, in my darkest moments, where I've wanted to shut the world out. But, anybody who actually cared enough to try to be there is not somebody I would continue to shut out. I'd appreciate that they cared even if I wasn't in my best state of mind.

He's shut you out for A MONTH?! That is NOT okay. If you two became more serious, got engaged, got married, would he still just randomly shut you out of his life from time to time? For large blocks of time? That is not okay. And, don't get me wrong... It isn't like I am blaming him. If it IS because of depression... well, depression sucks! But, it isn't okay for him to do that to anybody, much less somebody with whom he is in a relationship. So, he really needs to figure out how he can work to get himself better so he doesn't shut you out like this. I could be wrong, but it doesn't necessarily sound like he's even bothering to try. Sort of sounds like he takes an attitude of "Well, that's just who I am, so take it or leave it."

I was never a fan of that saying "If you can't take me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." I agree with the INTENDED meaning of that saying.... but the problem is too many bad people use that as a crutch to think it makes it okay to be an a-hole. I'm not saying that's the case with him, but this does at least seem to me like possibly a situation where he expects you just to accept this hurtful behavior. Anyway, that was a lot of blah blah blah from me. LOL!

Hopefully that helps even just a little. I can't really tell you what to do since I'm not close enough to the situation. Maybe he just needs help and if/when he gets it things could be great for you two. Or, maybe he is unwilling to even try, which if so I would personally say you deserve better than to be treated like that. Anybody would. Though, again, if he truly is suffering through depression, I sincerely wish him the best in getting through it. For his own sake as well as whatever relationship he may have, whether that's with you or somebody else down the road if you two don't work out.

Good luck!

[Macca333]

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I don’t know what to do, I want to call him to see how he is but will most likely be shut down in flames or it will make things worse. But how could they get any worse. He hasn’t said it’s over and I did say to him if he knew it was over in that 30 days to tell me don’t make me wait. He said we will catch up in 30 days and it will either be continuation or closure ??? What does that mean to u

[Mr Married]

I means his relationship with you is only based on his conditions. If you accept this now and decide to continue forward I would say you are in for a life of heartbreak and pain.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, I would agree with that. I don't see what in the world he thinks is okay about treating somebody like that. "I'll talk to you in a month....and maybe then we'll break up or maybe we'll get back together. I dunno. Whatevs."

How exactly are you expected to deal with that? That's NOT okay at all. Again, like I said, if he's dealing with crap, if he's dealing with depression, I get that. I understand. But that still doesn't make this behavior okay. Especially not if he thinks he can just disappear for days at a time and that should just be okay. It would be one thing if he were getting the help he needs and the hope was that some day he'd no longer needs these disappearing acts. Maybe he is, I wouldn't really know.... but it didn't sound like he is bothering to do anything about it at all.

I think, right now, my personal advice would be to treat it as though the relationship HAS already ended. For right now, treat it like a break-up and proceed how you would after a breakup. As in, take some time to think, take some time to heal, take some time to re-learn to love yourself. If/when he comes back around, maybe you give him another chance, maybe at that point you decide you are just done. That is really up to you. But, what you absolutely DO NOT deserve is to sit around holding your heart in limbo just in case he decides "Oh hey! I have this great gal! I should spend time with her again." You are not some book that he can read a little, then put on the shelf for a while and get back to on a rainy day. You deserve better than this. Honestly, hopefully HE can be that better... but if not, then you deserve to care about you enough to do what is right for you.

Good luck to you either way.

[Macca333]

You are so right.... I just feel so messed up mentally. cant sleep, feel anxious. Just generally not happy. I called him the other day and left a voicemail just telling him I’m here for him and not knowing what was going on between us was hard for me. He’s blocked me on Facebook too 😟 it’s so hard to convey what your feeling but he said it’s all about him and that he’s in a bad place. He said it’s all or nothing for 30 days what does that mean. Am I up shit creek now because I left a message, this has been playing on my mind I’m thinking now have I stuffed things up for good. It’s just asking how he is and that I wish we could catch up for a coffee and just talk about anything but us right now. He could show me his garden he’s been working on. He has said he’s in a bad place right now and is seeing a therapist I hope that is true. I’m feeling crap but is he: I think about his two girls that I haven’t seen and wonder what they are thinking. I always go and see them when they are at their dads.

[Mr Married]

Macca .... you say your mentally messed up but unlike a lot of people i see on here, all your actions and reactions seem very normal and justified. If you pursue this guy you will likely be the one carrying him
through life.

"It's so hard to convey what your feeling" ..... google emotional starvation. It isn't that you have a hard time conveying your emotion but that you aren't getting the emotional feedback that you need to "fill your cup".
I've been through that myself but we fixed it and things are much much different now. Our situation was easy to fix, but your sounds unable to be repaired in my opinion.

Finding an emotional compatible partner would likely be much better for you ..... try not to give up your own needs for someone else.

[TheEvilJester]

Nothing you did was wrong. Frankly, blocking you on Facebook sounds ridiculously childish and immature if you ask me. At least based on the details you have shared. Unless I'm missing something, it sounds like he essentially just decided he needed to disappear off the face of the earth for basically no reason. You didn't do anything wrong, doesn't sound like you two had a fight or anything... he's just "in a bad place" and thereby thinks it is okay to treat you like some kind of disease.

Again, as I have pointed out repeatedly... I understand being in such a bad place. Been there myself and it SUCKS. But you should be part of his recovery. You should be one of the things that is helping him to get through this, not something/someone he feels the need to avoid. That is treating you like you are causing his problems when in reality it sounds like the problems are all within him. And again, as somebody who has been through depression, I know it is not easy. It isn't like he can just flip a switch and be okay. It's just, that does not justify his treatment of you when he should be letting you be there for him as part of his solution... NOT avoiding you like part of his problem.

You did NOT do anything wrong when you reached out to him to show your support. You weren't being pushy, you weren't demanding he "knock off the BS and talk to you" or anything like that. You simply shared that you missed him, that you cared, that you wanted him to feel better. To hear things like that should HELP, not cause him to retreat more.

To be entirely honest, my personal advice would be to move on and end the relationship. But, that's just me. I can't tell you what to do, I can really only offer my thoughts and advice. So, if that isn't necessarily what you want to do, then you can certainly at least give him time and see if things are better once he gets out of his funk. But, even if you do that, I still do not recommend you just sit around in limbo waiting for him.

As I said before, you should essentially treat it like a break-up for now even if your intention is to get back together once he's better. Just go through the same kind of things you would if it were a breakup. The same sort of soul-searching stuff. Reflect back on what worked and what didn't work with the relationship. Take time to heal. Take time to learn how to be complete and happy again all by yourself. In the end, maybe he will get through this funk and you two can actually make it work. If not, though, at least you'll already be preparing and empowering yourself to learn and grow from the experience. And again.... maybe in your time of self-reflection you will learn that you are just done with him whether he comes crawling back or not. If so, then you are certainly well within your rights to do so.

Or, maybe you'll still give him the chance if he wants it... but hopefully with newfound wisdom and love for yourself enough to not accept any treatment less than what you deserve from a loving partner. Good luck to you either way.