My Online Girlfriend Busy?

[breaker83]

Okay so here is my situation... a year ago I met a girl online through an social media app and right away we hit it off amazingly. We have so many things in common-so much so that I decided it was worth trying an online relationship with her as she is a very far distance away. (I am in Canada she is in Cali)

Let me clear some background details: She is a single mother and has a 3 year old daughter. When we met she was in her own place, she has since moved into another place with a friend but it was during this time (now 6 months ago) I started realising a lot was changing. We went from texting every minute of the day to talking a lot still.. but no longer doing anything together (gaming netflix wtv). From there it has just gotten worse to the point we say maybe 2 or 3 sentences during the day before she falls asleep (she used to say goodnight every single night). She says it is because she is too busy anymore, and I have brought it up many times... but regardless it just seems to be getting less and less. She says she loves me still but I'm no longer feeling anything from her in that regard. Even saying I love you isn't very common and when she does reply to me it is usually very short and sometimes ignoring my messages completely for something else she had to say. As time goes by I'm noticing other things too which just make things worse. I honestly feel like it is impossible to go from texting all the time to almost never. She says she would be honest with me at all times but that also has not been the case recently and I don't know what is happening. Maybe she is seeing someone else? Or maybe she really just is way too busy. But I feel like it's getting to the end now. I've held on to the relationship of 'nothing' for way too long and seeing as it just gets worse I can't help but feel something just isn't right.

Opinions please?

[TheEvilJester]

This is one of the big reasons why long distance relationships rarely work. Thing is... none of what you describe sounds all that unusual. Relationships are exciting and new at first, and then they settle into normalcy. So, early in a relationship you may feel like you want to text and call and spend every minute together you possibly can. ....But then things settle into a routine and you no longer have to do that. And that can actually be a REALLY good thing. That can be when you are comfortable with each other. When the newness and excitement of it has faded... and yet you still want to be together.

The problem with a long distance relationship is that then there is less and less contact. That's okay in a face to face relationship where you can spend your free time together. But, in a long distance relationship, that texting, calls, video chats, etc.... those are the only ways you have to contact each other.

So, my educated guess (and it is just a guess) is that maybe the long distance thing just isn't working for her. It can be hard to feel that close to somebody, yet be so physically far away. The texting, the phone calls, stuff like that may just not be enough. Is there any chance at all of you two moving closer to each other in the near future? Have you ever discussed that?

If there is no possibility of that happening, it MAY be better for you both if you just go your separate ways. Believe me, I know that would suck and I know it wouldn't be easy... but what kind of relationship can you have if you never/rarely actually get to be together? Either way, though, talk to her about all this. Don't approach it like you are accusing her of no longer caring. Approach it in as calm and constructive a way as you can. The idea is not to accuse her of any wrongdoing. It is simply to tell her how you feel, where you want to see the relationship go, and see if she is on the same page. Ask her if the long distance thing is becoming too difficult for her. Discuss if there are any possibilities for you to move closer to her, or her closer to you, or to move in together. Things like that.

Even if you two do have to decide to end things, hopefully you can do so amicably. Because, nobody really did anything wrong here. Long distance can just be really hard. Good luck to you either way.

[breaker83]

Thank you for your reply.

To answer your questions yes many times we have discussed meeting and possibly living together, in fact just the other week I told her I wanted to visit this summer. I was expecting an excited response like I would have gotten same time last year, but instead all she said was, we will have to see about that, I understand why as she is going through a lot right now aswell. It seems to just get worse each day but she says she loves talking to me. I have brought it up to her a few times, last time was almost the end of the relationship for me. I understand what she is going through and when we do 'talk' she does seem to 'want' too but i can never hold a conversation with her no matter how quickly I reply. Most of the time I'm waiting hours and hours sometimes a whole day for her to reply to what I said, and it feels like everyday that goes by she is dissapearing more and more. There was even a time I was ignored all day and found out she was drinking with her friend all night. That one stung.. but regardless....

I personally thought she was getting bored of the relationship, but there are so many mixed signals I've been left utterly confused. I feel like she really does love me, as I do her. But if she really is THAT busy... it is not good... because the feelings for each other are just fading everyday because I feel ignored/low priority to her. Everything is such a dramatic change but there is still love there, it is just piled under a bunch of other stuff. I suppose all I can do is speak to her about it again for now, but I don't know how long I can keep it up for. It is heartbreaking to me loving someone so much but never ever having a chance to be with them anymore.

Thanks again for all input. It helps so much.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, talking about VISITING.... and not even for a few months at that, is not the same as what I was describing. I'm talking about discussing the possibilities (if there are any) for a time when the long distance issue could permanently become a thing of the past. Such as you two moving in together, or at least one of you moving closer to the other. A visit is really just more of the same problem. Great for the little time it lasts... but then you both go back home and the physical distance is still there.

Again, it isn't like I am a mind reader, so I can't know this for sure.... but it definitely sounds to me like the long distance became a problem for her. Which may explain why you feel like she's become less and less interested. IF that is the case, it may be too late to turn back, it may not. But, again, talking about it would be the only way to really know.

I know you kind of HAVE talked about it here and there, but I'd guess that you more tip-toed around it a bit. Which, I'm not blaming you for doing that initially. But, at this point, if you feel like she's pulling away, it may really be time to have a more serious conversation about it. Again, in as calm and friendly a manner as possible. Even if she HAS lost interest, it isn't like she's necessarily done anything wrong, so you shouldn't treat her as though she did.

For example, I would definitely NOT recommend talking to her about it right after something like the time you mentioned where she didn't talk to you all day and you found out she was just with a friend. At that moment, you'd likely be upset and frustrated. That is definitely not the time to discuss it. Wait for cooler heads to prevail so you can talk about it as amicably as possible. Hopefully she will still want to continue the relationship. It may be that she could see that happening as long as their is some expiration date to the distance issue.

Unfortunately, it may also be that she just lost her interest and can't see that back. That will suck, especially if it was merely distance that made that happen, but you'd be better off knowing that rather than continuing to prolong something that will just hurt you in the end. Good luck to you either way. I hope you two find a way to make it work, but if you can't I at least hope you can part in as friendly a way as possible... and then both find somebody great who is closer so the distance isn't an issue.

[Hooo!]

do you want your relationship to continue like this?

- - - Updated - - -

Specifically: if the relationship would stay like this, would you rather be in it than not?

[Mr Married]

What isn't right is that you are confusing online relationship with a real relationship.