Hold and cold?

[Rubysmalls1993]

So basically I met this guy on a dating site and everything was going really well, we had quite a few dates around 8 or 9 and have been speaking for nearly a month. We would talk everyday, he would message me in the morning and ask how I was every morning. We arranged to meet on Valentine's day last week and he promised me he wouldn't cancel but on the day he said someone had rang in sick at work and be couldn't make it. All of a sudden after this he started being really distant and now his morning texts get later and later everyday. I asked him the other day what was wrong and he just said he had a lot on with work etc. The past few days he has been distant but fairly talkative until today he didn't message me until the evening and only replied a few times. I have tried giving him space and being nice etc but he's been distant now for nearly a week. I am thinking the worst that he's not into me anymore but I don't know what to do whether to ask him or just keep giving him space? Last time we saw each other a week ago he was still lovely and there was nothing to suggest he wasn't into me anymore. He has just gone distant all of a sudden since when he was supposed to see me on Valentine's day so I really don't have a clue what is going on with him. Since he started being distant he will give me fast replies and ask what my plans are but then won't reply for 5 hours or even won't reply until the next day, i havent suggested meeting up as im taking it as hes not interested anymore but then i dont know whether me not suggesting is making him think im not into him anymore? I dont know whether he just texts for the sake of it now and so I'm being short with him but he's still being distant. This distance was all out of the blue it was going really well until he cancelled last Wednesday and all of a sudden he's become all distant randomly. I don't know whether I should suggest meeting or maybe be nice as I always wait for him to message me first so I don't know whether that's giving him the wrong message. He told me he's been cheated on before in the past when he did everything for his ex and she cheated on him and before he went distant he seemed genuinely nice compared to the others I've had before he was respectful etc so I don't know whether the fact he was cheated on is making him insecure etc and that's why he's stopped putting effort into me or whether it is that he's not interested anymore but I can't see how I could've made him loose interest. He also said last time we saw each other that he catches feelings quickly and easily and that he felt things had moved really quickly so I just don't know if he is genuine and maybe has ran off because he's scared due to his past and is waiting for me to put the work in or whether he is just using me?

[Hooo!]

Use paragraphs please

[TheEvilJester]

Unfortunately, we cannot read minds. Unfortunately, you cannot read minds. So, we can't know what he's thinking any more than you can. We also aren't close enough to the situation to tell with any certainty what happened. Maybe it is something you did. Maybe it is something you said. Maybe it is something you didn't do or didn't say.

It sounds like there was nothing you said or didn't say, nothing you did or didn't do, though. But, let's even just pretend for a minute there is. ...A mature adult would talk to you about it and not just decide to slowly ghost you.

Now, I will say this. It has only been about a week. So, it is entirely possible you are worried for no reason. Don't get me wrong. I understand that. I'm like the king of worrying for no reason. LOL! But, if it has only been a week, then maybe he honestly has just actually been very busy. Now, I will say this.... if it has generally always been him reaching out first, him making the plans, etc. then maybe there is part of him worrying you are not as into it as he is. So, you could certainly try reaching out to him first. Try being the one to suggest going out. I don't know if that is the case, but you seemed to indicate that maybe it has usually been him to reach out first.

If that always seems to be the case, it can start to make that person feel like if they didn't reach out the other person never would. So, IF that is the case here, and you react by not reaching out either (because you think he's no longer into you) then you just wind up re-affirming hid doubts even if they AREN'T true.

On the other hand, by taking the initiative to be the first to reach out/suggest plans, you show him that you ARE interested. If he's started losing interest only because he thought you weren't as into him, that will show him he was wrong. If he's started to lose interest because he's just plain started to lose interest, that will help you to see that and decide if maybe you'd just be better off moving on. If he's actually literally just busy at the moment, that too should be evident as he'll want to still find time for you both at some point, even if it isn't right away. If he's legitimately busy, it may not always be immediately, but he'll make the effort to make time for you.

So, why bother speculating? Why bother playing games? Just go for what you want. If you try to reach out only for it to turn out maybe he's not interested anymore after all... well, sure that will suck... but at least you will be better off knowing. On the other hand, maybe he IS still interested, and you can finally quiet your doubts after all. Good luck to you either way.

[shamrock2228]

I agree with TheEvilJester. Also, let him do the chasing. In the animal world, males chase. That's always been difficult for me personally because I hate being chased. After a short time, I feel like I'm being stalked LOL. When I was younger, I would come down hard on myself when something like this would happen. What did I do wrong? When I look back, I realized that I was too attentive. I have a huge heart and I love being there for others. Had I just been more attentive too myself I would've learned some of these lessons earlier in life. Take care of you and the rest will fall into place. If you back off and he still pursues you, then just be up front with him about the way he's been acting. Just because he has insecurities about things that happened in his past doesn't give him the right to drag others through this kind of bs.