Can I make it work after 10 years?

[euclid]

12 years ago, when I was 20, I met the girl of my dreams. I was on holiday in a foreign country and we spent pretty much all day every day together for a month. After I came back to the UK, we stayed in touch, but we never really talked about trying to maintain a long-distance relationship - we were young and 8 time zones seemed like a big obstacle. We stayed friends, chatting online from time to time.

I travel quite a lot and was visiting her country again 10 years ago and we agreed to meet up. The details are complicated, but basically everything felt the same for me - this girl was perfect. She got very drunk and poured her heart out, saying she hadn't been able to forget about me (I don't think she remembers any of this). However, we still lived in different countries, so I still couldn't see how we could make it work.

Not long after that, she started dating a guy who she ultimately stayed with for 7 or 8 years. She moved to Europe to live with him and for years I actually thought they were married. During that time, I also had serious relationships (lasting up to 3.5 years) with some really wonderful girls, but I seriously struggled to fall in love.

Anyway, trying to keep the story short, we've been chatting more and more and more online, and we recently met up again (in Europe) after 10 years. We are finally both single and she's only 1 time zone away now, so it's much easier to stay in touch. We had an amazing weekend hanging out together and my feelings for her haven't changed at all. I am absolutely crazy about this girl. Nothing happened between us, but she's flying to the UK in a couple of weeks to hang out again for a few days.

I guess my question is can I make this work? How do I win her over after all these years? Does anyone here have any experience of something like this working out? Do I have any chance at all? I guess it's relevant to add that I don't have any attachments in the UK and would have no problem moving abroad in the future if it could make things work out in the long run with her.

Please help! Any advice is very welcome.

[pcmaster]

If she likes you it will work. No need to worry about it. Just spend time together well, make memories and become closer. So yeah man. Just like you hanged out for first time. If you want her to be your GF then act like she's already is.

[bulrush]

I guess my question is can I make this work? How do I win her over after all these years?

You don't "win" her over, she is not a prize. If she thinks she is some prize to be won, that type of deep immaturity will not work for LTR. It does sound like she still likes you. She poured her heart out to you when she was drunk (years ago?) and she still isn't married. So ask her out, spend more time with her, and find out if you two are compatible enough. Now the ball is in your court, she made her move (a long time ago) and now you must escalate. The ball is in your court.

Tell her the truth, that you really like her and you want to spend much more time with her.

But don't get caught up in the emotions. Emotions are not what make a relationship successful. Compatibility does.

- Will she move closer to be with you? Can she even move?
- What does she want? Does she feel the same as you do? You have to show some confidence and just ask her about this.

[euclid]

If she likes you it will work. No need to worry about it.

Haha, thanks for the encouragement ... but not worrying is easier said than done! I feel a lot of pressure right now. I don't think I could wait another 10 years for another chance like this to come along! I hope I don't blow it.

Just spend time together well, make memories and become closer. So yeah man. Just like you hanged out for first time. If you want her to be your GF then act like she's already is.

I like the way you think. You make it sound easy. Thanks for the advice.

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You don't "win" her over, she is not a prize. If she thinks she is some prize to be won, that type of deep immaturity will not work for LTR.

I think we've just had a misunderstanding here. To "win someone over" means to succeed in getting that person's support or agreement. It's not the same as wanting to win her - I agree that would be a weird thing to suggest.

So ask her out

This is going to sound ridiculous, but I'm not sure I would know how to ask a girl out. I mean, I usually just ask a girl if she wants to hang out in the same way I would ask a guy. It generally takes my relationships many months to get off the ground. I guess I just wear them down slowly until they eventually give in?

now you must escalate.

Same comment as above - I don't think I really know how to do this part.

But don't get caught up in the emotions. Emotions are not what make a relationship successful. Compatibility does.

This is good news. If compatibility makes a relationship successful, then the future looks very good indeed. However, I do think I would view emotions as a part of that compatibility.

Will she move closer to be with you?

I don't think so. She has a great quality of life where she is and it would make more sense for me to move there. Having said that, we're probably both fairly mobile in the long run.

What does she want? Does she feel the same as you do? You have to show some confidence and just ask her about this.

This is hard. I'll give it some thought, but I don't think I feel ready to tackle such heavy questions. We're having such a great time and I'm afraid of rocking the boat.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, none of us are psychic, so we can't know if it will work. So, I'll put it this way....

There is absolutely no reason to just ASSUME it will not. It was one thing when you two were SO far away. Maybe it was better not to even explore the possibility unless some part of you thought there could be a time in the near enough future when your long distance situation could become a problem of the past.

Now, though, it sounds like you aren't quite as far away and it seems more likely you could make something work. It still may not be easy, but it certainly isn't nearly as difficult as before. Add to that the fact that you both have stayed in touch even after so many years.... I see absolutely no reason not to at least try.

It sounds like you said there eventually could be mobility from either you or her. Meaning one of you may be able to move closer to the other. Sounds like you said maybe that would probably be you moving since she has a good quality of life where she is. But, either way, if becoming geographically closer IS a distinct possibility, that is all the more reason to give it a try. Long distance relationships can be very hard.... but they can be so much easier if there is a timeline with the long distance could conceivably end.

Will it work? Will it not? We can't know anymore than you can. But I see no reason why you shouldn't at least try. In fact, I see all the more reason why you SHOULD try. It is so much better to try and fail than it is to not even try and have to be left wondering. ...But imagine if you try and DON'T fail. Wouldn't future you be kicking past you in the butt for even considering not trying? Good luck to you.

[Hooo!]

What do you want?

[euclid]

Well, none of us are psychic, so we can't know if it will work.

Damn! That would have been useful haha. If only there were some magic recipe to guarantee success. I guess I'm asking for the impossible here...

I see absolutely no reason not to at least try.

I guess the things going around in my head are fear of rejection and fear of destroying a friendship I really value. I feel like there is a lot at risk

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What do you want?

I want to spend more time with her. I want her (eventually) to like me the way I like her.

[pcmaster]

Well man being afraid to ruin friendship is kinda counterproductive in my eyes cause would you rather have 5 friends that are girls or 1 girl that are your girlfriend and zero friends that are girls?
I would even risk ruining friendship with girl if I had no friends at all cause if you like girl more then its not friendship anymore. Its acting as gay and waiting until your D falls off from being ignored.

Fear of failure is holding back so many guys. Read my sig. Also -

“Do not fear failure but rather fear not trying.” “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” “Great things happen to those who don't stop believing, trying, learning, and being grateful.”

[euclid]

would you rather have 5 friends that are girls or 1 girl that are your girlfriend and zero friends that are girls?

This is a very, very good point. Of course, I would choose 1 girlfriend every time for sure. So I have to stop worrying about that.

“Do not fear failure but rather fear not trying.” “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” “Great things happen to those who don't stop believing, trying, learning, and being grateful.”

I like the way you think. You're right - I have to try. Thanks again for your good advice.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with PC. I definitely do understand being concerned with the risk of losing a friend. But, here's the thing, she may be your friend, but it doesn't sound like she's JUST A FRIEND to you. In other words, you like her as more than a friend. So, in that kind of situation, it is almost always better to at least try. (I do say almost as it isn't like there are never situations where maybe it is better just to remain friends, but usually it is better to go for what it is you really want.)

I guess a good exercise would be to think of it like this. Imagine the two worst case scenarios. Both would suck, but try to imagine which would suck worse. Those being A) you decide to remain friends so you never even ask her out... and then somewhere down the road she meets somebody else, falls in love, and all that.... B) You decide to go for it, you ask her out, it doesn't go well (or it does, but eventually the relationship doesn't last) and you two are no longer friends either.

Both would suck, both are worst case scenarios. Which do you honestly think you would hate worse? Me personally, I would think it would suck so much worse to have to be left wondering "what if?" As much as it would hurt to lose somebody you cared about... it is better then choosing not to even go for it and having to have part of you always wonder what could have been if you did.

And the thing is... those were just the worst case scenarios. It is entirely possible, whichever way you go, things would turn out much better. I hope so. But, the point of that exercise is to contemplate the worst thing that could happen given either option and imagine which you think would be worse. That may help you with the decision.

Rejection sucks. I can absolutely understand wanting to avoid it. But, rejection is not something you couldn't survive. If nothing, it gets a little easier with experience. Not that it would ever not suck, but you learn to deal with it and bounce back. But, if you never try for anything you want, then you'll never get anything you want. If you try, you may sometimes fall short.... but eventually you will sometimes succeed.

Good luck to you!

[Hooo!]

What do you have to do to spend more time with her?
What do you have to do to make her like you much?

[euclid]

What do you have to do to spend more time with her?

I'm not sure. Do you have any suggestions? I'm sure I'm not the only guy trying to spend time with her. I guess she has to enjoy being with me more than everyone else.

What do you have to do to make her like you much?

I have absolutely no idea. I would really like to have a million chances like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, but I've already waited 10 years for a second chance. I'm not sure if I'll get another one.

[Hooo!]

Yes I have thousands of ideas. But you are the one who has to do it. So you better come up with them?!

What would a man have to do in order to spend time with a woman? Just plain and simple. It’s not that difficult to answer

What are reasons for you to like other people as much as they like you?
What are reasons for other people to like you?

[euclid]

Yes I have thousands of ideas. But you are the one who has to do it. So you better come up with them?!

What would a man have to do in order to spend time with a woman? Just plain and simple. It’s not that difficult to answer

What are reasons for you to like other people as much as they like you?
What are reasons for other people to like you?

If I had answers to these questions, I wouldn't be here asking for help. I don't agree that these things are plain or simple or not that difficult.

[omgtotallyxo]

I actually think you are guys may be soulmates.