just need advice

[parsnips]

so hi everyone. I have a bit of a dilemma... I've got a really bad crush on a girl and have done for quite some time. only problem is she's my best friends girl! I've not made any advances or anything but it's difficult... ice known them both a very long time and my friend is like a brother to me. however I know they're both not happy together and he hasn't been faithful.. I don't want to lose him but I'm pretty much in love with her?! any advice???

[TheEvilJester]

First off, I don't mean this to sound harsh so please don't misunderstand. I 100% understand how you feel... but you are not "in love" with her. I've always been strongly of the opinion that you cannot really be in love with somebody until you have actually been in a relationship. At least not in the sense of romantic love. Otherwise it is more, for lack of a better term, "infatuation." I never really liked that term for it, but I just can't think of a better one myself.

I don't like that term because it has negative connotations I don't personally intend. By that, I mean I don't think you are just blindly interested in some girl you barely know and thinking she's the love of your life. It sounds like you know her enough to think she COULD actually be a really good match for you if she happened to be single. So, it is more like "educated infatuation." It is a crush. And, honestly, that is perfectly okay in most cases. That can go poorly if you put the person on a pedestal too much, as the saying goes. Because then you are falling too much for somebody you THINK they are rather than giving yourself time to learn who they really are.

In this case, though, that is all a moot point. She's not single. What's more, she's with your best friend. I don't know how you'd ever approach such a situation and NOT hurt everybody involved, yourself included. Even if they eventually break up, I don't see how you could ever date your best friend's ex and expect him to remain your best friend.

You say your best friend has been unfaithful to her, and that is not exactly great. Is she aware of this, or is he hiding it from her? If he's hiding it, I don't really know how you should personally handle that. It's a tricky situation. On the one hand, it sort of isn't your place to tell her.... on the other hand, is it wrong NOT to tell her if you know? I don't know myself, it is not an easy answer.

I do, though, know that there likely cannot be a happy ending to a story like this that doesn't hurt somebody. If you intend to keep this fellow as your friend, then chances are you wouldn't be able to pursue her even if they do break up. If they do break up and your opinion of your friend has changed enough through her treatment of her that you don't want him as a friend anymore, then MAYBE you could consider asking her out. (Obviously not immediately after they break up, but in time).

BUT.... if they are still happily together then, at least in my personal opinion, you have no right to be trying to mess that up. May just be my personal opinion, but when somebody is in a relationship I think it is wrong to try to pursue them. Does that mean you remove them from your life because it is otherwise too hard for you not to want more? Sometimes? Can it instead mean you remain friends with them but leave the window open that it could maybe become more if they ever become single? Sometimes... but only if you can do so while fully accepting that nothing is going to happen between you two (at least for the time being) and you thereby move on and seek out love elsewhere. If you are really just waiting around with your life on hold hoping the situation changes, then you'd be better off NOT remaining friends with the person.

Unfortunately, your situation is a little more complicated since this is your best friend's gal. I hope my thoughts have at least helped you to think and put your own thoughts in perspective a little. This is not an easy situation, so I'm actually not 100% sure what exactly to advise beyond what I've said already. It is not a situation I have experienced myself. Hopefully some others can share some thoughts as well. Either way, though, I wish the best of luck to you.

[Hooo!]

Having a crush and loving someone is very different indeed

However a crush is powerful too
And very much so.

Congratulations but you just have a shit situation:
1) violate his trust and be with the girl
2) tell them and thus make them angry perhaps
3) don’t do shit and be unhappy
4) tell her about him which will result in him being angry with you and your not being together with her
5) wait for them to break up
6) go for someone else instead


Honestly I know that all of those are shit options
I hope I have missed something

Can you see a way so that you can be together with girl and our friend accepting that at the same time?