Just friends zone-close but not too close

[all_the_colors]

I wanted to share what I thought about the whole "friend zone" thing and when people say things like get close but him or her but not too close, because I need some feedback on whether my thought of it is true or not:

To me you can never get too close or be too good a friend. I look at it like this: If the girl REALLY likes you, it doesn't matter if you've been friends for a day or a year, she'd go out with you. If not she wouldn't. That whole "I would go out with you but I only think of you as a friend" or however it can be put just another excuse for not wanting to go out with someone because they just don't want to hurt their feelings.

Logically speaking I'd RATHER go out with good friends than strangers because you know them, you know how well you communicate and get along and it saves a lot of time because you know so much about them already.

That idea itself "not to get too close" makes no sense to me because saying I only see you as a friend is just another way of trying to spare someone's feelings.

Does that make sense?

[whaywardj]

It depends on whether you're going out to spend time with the event or with the people. If I've got two tickets to a ball game I didn't want to go to alone, for example, I'd invite friends first and, if none of them could make it, I might invite a stranger. Doesn't really matter WHO I go with. I'm going for the game. The event. Not the person. On the other, if I want to spend time with someone(s) in particular, it doesn't what event I couch it on. A ball game. A walk in the park. Whatever. I'm going for the person. Not the event we gather around.

Oh. Might add: It's been said that familiarity breeds contempt. There could very well be cases of being "too close" to a friend.

[all_the_colors]

Thats not what I meant, I meant when you ask someone out and they say no, and then the reason they give you is something to the effect of "I only think of you as a friend" etc. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

[Rosebud]

The whole concept of that for the most part is letting someone down without hurting their feelings. But I have told someone I didn't want to date them because I looked at them as a friend because I did. SO that's not always true.

[all_the_colors]

The whole concept of that for the most part is letting someone down without hurting their feelings. But I have told someone I didn't want to date them because I looked at them as a friend because I did. SO that's not always true.

See that is what I have a hard time understanding. Why wouldn't you want to go out with someone just because you're friends with them? Wouldn't the bigger reason be that you just weren't interested in dating them to begin with? Like, did you turn that person down just because you were friends, if so why, and in that case if they weren't your friend would you have gone out with them?

I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm picking on what you said in any way, I'm just confused and I'm trying to get a clear perspective on the whole situation.

[Rosebud]

No not at all, it's ok. We had been good friends for a long time and very very close. I never looked at him as anything more becasue I felt like he was a little brother to me. I had atcually dated his older brother... but in any case he told me he had a crush on me for 3 years and wanted more. But I never looked at him that way. I wouldn't mind dating a friend becasue I would them but sometimes as you find out more about each toher you realize you can't date each other because you view things differently but you still accept that becasue you don't have to date them. Get that?

If he wasn't my friend in the first place I probably would ahve given it a shot and then realized it wouldn't work becasue our dating habits and views were so different.

[whaywardj]

Thats not what I meant, I meant when you ask someone out and they say no, and then the reason they give you is something to the effect of "I only think of you as a friend" etc. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

I'm not so sure I misundertood. I was trying to point up the differences between wanting to go out with someone or wanting to go out for some thing. If someone you ask out is concerned that you're more interedted in them, personally, than the thing you talking about going to -- and they don't want that kind of interest from you -- it's perfectly legitimate for them to say so. Assuming they SHOULD go out with you just because they're your friend, is a form of coercion...if not emotional blackmail.

[all_the_colors]

Rosebud, What you just posted made perfect sense but having nothing in common is a good reason to not want to date someone, not wanting to just because you're friends isn't in my opinion. I can totally understand becomming someone's friend and realizing you have nothing in common and therefore not need to go out with them, but thats more of an "I don't want to go out with you because we don't have enough in common" or whatever the situation is rather than "I only think of you as a friend"

whaywardj, thanks for clearing up what you said some more, but I didn't mean to assume that they're SUPPOSED to go out with you just because you're friends, because thats not what I meant. I can understand that they don't want to go out with them but what I have a hard time understanding is that the reason they don't want to is soley because they're friends, surely there is a specific reason why, and the reason it isnt given is to spare the other person's feelings which is why they say that.

See the whole being trapped in a friend zone seems unrealistic to me because as I said before either they're interested in dating you or they aren't. So I think the whole friends zone is just part of an excuse to spare the person's feelings. I'm basically just looking to see if at any point it is actually logical, and if it is, how, because as far is I can see there isn't any logical reason not to date someone just because your friends with them, there'd be other reasons why you don't want to go out with them.

[whaywardj]

Lot of muddy thinking, it seems to me, Allthe. You don't seem to be clear on some of the critical differences between love and friendship or friends and lovers. What I don't get is why is it so difficult for you to believe that someone doesn't want to date you, say, because they're your friend? Happens everyday. Why is it necessary, in your mind, for there to be a hidden motive behind that remark? Or for it to be a cover for something else? Sounds as if you're expecting your feelings to be hurt; looking for euphemisms where none really exist. Actually, it's quite normal and mundane for your friends to NOT want to date you because they're your friends, and for no other reason. Why isn't reason enough for them, NOT reason enough for you? What are you really aiming for?

[all_the_colors]

Thanks for that post. What I'm really aiming for is why. It just seems to me like its too much of a cover. If they're that good a friend I don't see what the harm would be to give it a shot. I see what you're saying, that it happens for people to feel that way, but I don't understand why it happens. Can you give some reasons why someone wouldn't want to date you just because of the fact that they're your friend?

[whaywardj]

Goodness, man. There are thousands if not millions of reasons why, beginning and ending with, "They prefer not to." What I'M not getting is why you seem to be trying to create a rationale that goes to negate that preference. Sounds like you're looking for tools with which to attempt to change someone's mind. Or, worse, trying to make wrong someone who has that preference for you.

I feel compelled to say, "she's just not into you that much." Let it go. At least, quit trying to create reasons that make her choice wrong. It's hers to make and yours to accept; NOT to try and change.

[Asip4u]

No exactly sure what you're getting at all_the_colors, however, if you're someone's friend for a longer period of time, feelings of becoming something more rarely happen. They see you as one way and it usually doesn't change unless one of you changes in certain ways. For example, did you ever have a female friend that you couldn't have for more yet after not seeing each other for years, you meet her again and all of a sudden there's a lot of interest there?

People get a perception of you and they either like you as a friend or more, usually within a short span. If you're seeing yourself in that "friend zone" so much, and you want something more, you should make that clear earlier on, otherwise it likely won't happen.

[Rosebud]

Rosebud, What you just posted made perfect sense but having nothing in common is a good reason to not want to date someone, not wanting to just because you're friends isn't in my opinion. I can totally understand becomming someone's friend and realizing you have nothing in common and therefore not need to go out with them, but thats more of an "I don't want to go out with you because we don't have enough in common" or whatever the situation is rather than "I only think of you as a friend"

That's what I was getting at. Because of all those things I didn't want to date him. We still had things in common but not dating wise! So I told him I only think of him as a friend. which was the case. It's not that hard to believe. Look at some of your friends would you date all of them? probably not! So you would tell them you look at them as a friend and nothing more. I agree with everyone else, it seems your looking for a reason to not believe this. Have you ever thought maybe they don't want to damage the friendship because you are so close? There could be thousands of reasons for not wanting to date a friend. But I don't think your really understanding that. Saying you don't want to date someone becasue they are your friend means just that.

There are relationships that develop out of friendships!!!!!! But sometimes it's worth more to have friends then to date everyone you become friends with and ruin what you have.

[all_the_colors]

whaywardj, I'm not trying to create any type of rationale, and I'm definitely not trying to change anyone's mind. I'm just trying to understand. I'm trying to get a solid response about the whole friends zone thing without going into other reasons for not wanting to date someone ie, they just aren't interested in the person. I know full well you can't change someone's mind in a situation like this. What I was getting at was how does her not being into you have anything to do with the fact that you're friends? What I mean is, it would be much easier and clearer for someone to say, "I just don't feel that way about you" as that is a lot more...I'm unsure of the word to use here...specific than "I only see you as a friend"

Asip4u, Even if you weren't that clear on what I'm trying to get at, your post has been the most helpful so far. What you're saying is that once they see you as a friend it's nearly impossible to get them to see you in another light. I have nothing to say against that, as that does make perfect sense, I just never thought about it that way before, and the reason why is because in every instance in my case, it always seemed like the girl was turning down the guy because she didn't like him, but she told him it was because he just thought of her as a friend. For example, my friend got asked out by a guy and she told him she just thought of him as a friend, but after he left she told me it was because she really just didn't like him in that way, and when I asked why she didn't just say that, she said she didn't want to hurt his feelings. Thats what all of my friends do, and I suppose it makes sense, nobody wants to deliberately hurt someone, but anyway thats why I didn't see any logic behind it, I thought of it as just another excuse because that's all I saw it as from my experiences. So thanks for clearing that up with your response Asip4u, that really helped a lot.

Rosebud I see what you're saying mostly, and I agree with you mostly. I'd like to start by commenting on what you said about would I want to date all of my friends. Like you said, of course not. But this is where we differ. In my situation, instead of saying I just see you as a friend I would say I don't feel like we have enough in common to date, as opposed to "I only see you as a friend". See to me, "I only see you as a friend" isn't specific enough which is why I've been questioning it so much. In my opinion it's better to be as specific as possible because it gives them a more solid reason why as opposed to just saying "I only think of you as a friend" without any explanation other than that. So you see, it isn't that I'm trying to disagree with everything that is being said, because I do agree with what everyone has said thus far, its just that the responses just weren't clear enough to a point where I wouldn't think of more questions to ask. Really what I've been trying to do was just to get as clear an answer as possible. I apologize if it seems I'm comming off in any other way than that.

[Rosebud]

Hun, I understand what you mean but not everyone that says " I only think of you as a friend" means differently. There are some that say that just to not hurt feelings but for the most part I think when people say that they really mean it. Yes, you could be mroe descriptive when turning someone down. And to be clear if someone said "we don't have enough in common to date" That person that got rejected would try and plead the case otherwise which might cause for feelings to get hurt and nobody wants to purposely hurt someone else, not to mention may hurt the friendship.

I think there all kinds of things to say to someone and I can see why you would want someone to say something differently, but you can't change how people answer questions. So all you can do is find out why they feel that way!