What's going on with him?!

[iamfeelingsad]

Some of you have already known my story. I dated my ex for 5 months, I fell crazily in love with him but he wouldnt say he loves me...finally I broke up with him, but I changed my mind almost the same day and tried everything to get back together, he wouldnt.

What drives me crazy is: after 8 months(5 months dating, 3 months post-break up), he told me for the first time that he could not get 100% involved with me because he still has feelings for one of his ex-gfs!! They broke up in 2001 but keep in touch till now. I never knew there was such a girl, and I always thought the problem was between me and him. The whole time, even when he was dating me, they were talking to each other constantly, e-mailing each other more than once a week. So, I asked him if he told her he loves her. He said no, and he doesnt know if he loves her or not!! Now, since we broke up, she is offering to come visit him, he told her not to!Ehhh....this is just driving me insane. What's going on with him??

Do you consider what was going on between him and girl cheating? Moreover, he still keeps in touch with at least 3 of his ex, none of them he dated very long, and I dont think he was in love with anyone of them. He said we can be friends too. What should I do? Why would he wanna keep in touch with all his exs who he was never in love with?

[Asip4u]

Sorry to hear that, iamfeelingsad...Honestly, it's pretty clear he wasn't very interested in you for long term...Need i say more? As to why he's keeping in touch with them...Probably if nothing works elsewhere, he can have them as backups. Move on and find someone who'll try to get to know you instead of a guy who is just looking to get laid.

[Ujio]

i agree with the person above me, if he doesnt take the time to appreciate your love, then hes obviously not the right guy to be in love with, goodluck with everything =)

[Junsui]

He could have been emotionally cheating, but you two aren't together anymore and haven't been for 3 months so it really shouldn't matter now.

[gHEXjt]

He could have been emotionally cheating, but you two aren't together anymore and haven't been for 3 months so it really shouldn't matter now.

Hi iamfeelingsad. I'm sorry you found out about this, but I agree with what Junsui said.

I don't understand why you are still talking to him considering all that happened. But you really can't let this stuff affect you. I think the fact that you are still so worried about him being in love with you and you asking him if he told these other girls that he loved them is a sign that you are not moving on from him. I really recommend cutting contact with him. Since I cut contact w/my ex, I have been able to make a lot more progress in a much shorter amount of time in terms of getting over her. If you keep talking to him, and talking about subjects such as these, you will continue to hurt. Other than that, hope you're doing alright.

[Jenrick285]

Could be they were good friends...

But there's a whole lot of guys out there, not saying you should hop around relationships like a bunny, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be perhaps....

[iamfeelingsad]

gHEXjt, I did cut contact with him for a while, then I got this job offer which promised a big salary upon my graduation. I always thought the reason he wouldnt promise me anything was because he lives in a small town and makes little money. So I e-mailed him asked if he wanna move away with me. He said he needed a month to think about it, then he told me he decided not to. That was 2 weeks ago.

I kind of lost control after that, started calling him all the time and asking him why? He said it's not gonna work because I'm going to be a lawyer and he's only a blue collar worker. All those stuff he said made me feel really bad.... such as "you deserve a good man, not someone like me"; "if I had the money to go to school more, I could probably understand you better"; "I dont know what to talk about with you, you talk about traveling and stuff, but I've never been to anywhere"....Anyway,although the reality is he wont take me back, I feel like I abandoned him, I feel guilty about making him feel inferior... I know it's weird but I just cant get rid of that guilty feeling. I feel like I need to save him from suffering(he has to work 12 hours night shift now) instead of chase a good life with some rich man. I dont know, I just feel so guilty.....So, now he wants to be friends, I dont know what I should do. I cant imagine seeing him with another girl, but I also feel bad about not talking to him at all because of that guilty feeling.

[whaywardj]

What you should do is recognize that you're trying to turn yourself into his doormat. Then you should try to figure out what's compelling you to put yourself in that position for anyone.

It's not your problem he's so self-centered that he can't see his way out his of "small-town-never-been-anywhere-and-don't-expect-to" self-pitying mentality. Why you should feel so guilty as to want to save him from his (this) suffering is more than merely weird. It's unhealthy. Even if the two of you got back together and you were to, where would that leave either of you? Most likely, with you being the mommy of the house and him relying on you to fix his boo-boos.

It's also not healthy for you to allow anyone to make you feel ashamed of your intelligence, your drive, or your success by pointing up their lack of them in ways to suggest you're, somehow, responsible for, either, their not having any, OR having opportunity to acquire them. You're not.

I'd say you need to spend a little time with yourself getting clear on the differences between caring and capitulating, supporting and surrendering, and loving someone or living their lives for them.

Offhand, I'd also say you have strong maternal instincts you rather seem to be misdirecting. Virtually all the sentiments you've expressed over him are identical those a mother would express over her child. I'd think you also might want to spend some time with yourself looking into why gratifications you gain by involving yourself with a man (men?) who are less capable than you are so overwhelmingly greater, it seems, than any you gain from your own accomplishments.

Basically: Who is it, really, you're trying so hard to please and why?

In any case, since guilt seems to be a very large component of what drives you toward this man, I'd say there's no hope of it ever being a healthy relationship for either of you. Walk away and end all contact. Then start engaging men who aren't so attracted to your evident willingness to be responsible for them, or for whom you might imagine that quality of your character is the paramount appeal.

In this regard, so far as that quality of your character actually exists, as he is, he's right to not re-engage you. I wouldn't either. I'd feel too much at risk of becoming beholding to you at the expense of my self-respect. On the other hand, if I had actually decided I wanted YOU in my life in a real way, I wouldn't let my perceived short-comings stand in the way of my acquiring, in my own right, whatever it took for me to meet you on more equal footing.

There's nothing you can offer this man that will transform him into the man you might imagine he can be, or might want him to become. Only he can transform himself. On the basis of what you've said so far, I don't see him putting out much effort to do so. Not in any way that brings him any closer to you, at least. Instead, I see him straddling lines between women, sitting on fences, collecting their emotional connections to him, and dropping them into his "Maybe-This-Maybe-That" sac like so many marbles.

Little boys are notorious for keeping the oddest things in their pockets. You wanna be one of them?

[Junsui]

Nice post Hayward!

You asked him to move away with you after the two of you were broken up?

[shh!]

Quit wasting your time trying to second-guess what he is thinking or doing. Junsui is right - it's time to move on, and what he is pre-occupying himself with should be of no concern to you now. And I would forget about the "let's be friends" thing unless you enjoy rubbing salt into the wound.

[iamfeelingsad]

Yes, Junsui, I did that because the reason he gave to me for not seeing a future between us was that he was stuck in a small town and with his shitty job. That's why I felt so cheated when he came up with the issue with that girl.

Anyway...Hayward, you're a wise person, you nailed me on my head. I do have this delusion that he's like a child(or my child), and I need to be there for him, to make him feel loved. Actually years ago I fell in love with a guy who was in a similar situation: unsuccessful, struggling to make a living...he broke my heart too. I thought I was just naive as a teenager then, but now history repeated itself. I dont know what's wrong with me, it's like as soon as they start saying things like "you're gonna have a good life, I'm going no where" or "who would wanna be with someone like me" ....I just get this guilty feeling, and I get attached to them because I feel like they need someone to love them. I once quit using make ups, quit buying nice things because I felt so guilty, shamed for enjoying material pleasures while knowing that someone was struggling to make a living. Now I have the same guilty, shame feeling for becoming a lawyer and making money while my ex is stuck with his shitty job.....I'm thinking maybe I need to see a psychologist to figure out why I'm being like this. It might have something to do with my childhood experience, my family was poor when I was young, then we became more and more better off. But I know how it sucks to be poor and I saw how people suffer from being poor, and I somewhat feel guilty for living a good life now.I was also unhappy as a child because my parents didnt get along well...I dont know if that's some kind of psychological issue that needs to be cured. I was actually thinking of this during the past several months.

[whaywardj]

I used to be quite like you. At the time, it was the only way I knew how to acquire affection. What I didn't take into account until much later was, "Oh. There are OTHER things about me other TYPES of people find worth liking. Even more, sometimes."

[whaywardj]

BTW: Counseling has certainly been known to help a lot of people. But all professional counseling really is is a trained professional helping you find ways of better coping with the stresses of your present. May or may not involve anything from your past, and you may not yet need anything like that. So far as your posts go, the matter seems to be affecting only your romantic involvements, and not many other areas of your life. (Then again, I have to keep in mind the forum I'm on.)

FWIW, in my case, it's always been helpful for me to remind myself that what I feel is not necessarily who I am, and to keep in mind that, often, my choices mimic my feelings and are, sometimes, made without due consideration to their source.

[Mish]

Why would he wanna keep in touch with all his exs who he was never in love with?

Just because the relationship didn't work out doesnt mean you should loose exs as friends. Exs are very good at providing feedback and information critical to self improvement. It's not neccessary for him to have a secret hidden agenda, just because he stays in touch with them. However, it is the case sometimes.

[Rosebud]

I don't think there is a problem with you. I have a tendency to do the same thing with guys, i feel the need to take care of them and when i do I find gratification. But I don't think the problem with this relationship was because of that. Obviously he never told you he was still talking to his ex, and I imagine he has had feelings for her all along.