Going out with my Ex... Now What??

[independent]

I broke up with him last month, several weeks ago - I dont exactly remember. I think it's been over a month since I got him all the way moved out.

Anyway, it was a stressful break up after two years together (most of which we were very domestic, even though we only "lived together" for the last 6 or 8 months of it).

I moved him out because he wasnt pulling his weight, and he wasnt treating me nicely. Mind you, he knows how to do both - he was doing both perfectly well when I first met him. That's why I fell in love with him *wink*

(We're in our 30's btw, we're not "kids")

So now I have my life back. I'm playing cards, reading books, meeting friends for lunch, taking classes, working more, have been rearranging the house - all that good stuff that seemed to take the backseat while I was "in the relationship" (my mistake, I know).

He still loves me. He screwed up, and he knows it. I dont think he ever expected me to call him on it in the first place... He was kind of walking a line of being really great and also pushing boundaries just a little too far. But I think it was more a case of him getting lazy in the relationship and maybe too seeing just how far he could take it with me to some extent.

I'm not making excuses for him (I probably am), just to say the good times were REALLY good... and the bad times got to a point that they were REALLY bad too.

One week after it was finally "final", he took me out. We talked. He said how sorry he was, and that he planned on doing whatever it takes to make it right. Yada yada yada. Within 4 days he had really screwed THAT up (by not calling when he said he would, and then lying to me).

I put my foot down and said "no more". No emotion, no yelling, just done.

In a way, I think he still thought I was a complete doormat. Or needed to find out firsthand. Or it could just be that he's a total jerk that is too immature for me and has no control over his bad habits. Which could be the case too... I honestly dont know (laugh).

So now he is back to asking me out again. And being a perfect gentleman. Like the man he was when I met him. (And no, I am not sure if this is the "my best behavior act" or really who he is)

For the last couple of weeks he has called when he said he would (he calls me, I dont call him). None of that "I'll call you later" and then it being the next day - he's actually been on target. He has also put some forethought into what I want...

Example - he took me to dinner one night. Had a nice time. In conversation I mentioned wanting to see a certain movie. The next day (Sat) he called me in the afternoon to say it was on at __, ___ and __ (3 different locations - all out of town) and would I like to go? I did go, and had a nice time - and was impressed he looked it up, planned the date and asked me out!

Both nights (dinner & movie), I came home afterwards... alone. No complaint from him on that (or begging otherwise) which was nice. (A show of respect?)


I'm not sure what to make of all this. Or if it even matters - ie why spend the time & energy wondering? Yes I am having a good time with them. No, I dont honestly believe he has "changed overnight". Even if he did, it would take me a LONG (long, long) time to realize it I imagine.

So is there any harm in the fun dates? Considering, of course, I wasnt planning on dating anyone else for awhile anyway. And considering too that I have not (and am not) making any sort of commitment to him whatsoever - just agreeing to go when it works for me, and then having a nice time.

Part of me thinks this is WEIRD. Part of me thinks its just going to take me that much longer to get over him when he DOES let me down again. Part of me thinks "who cares?" - I'm a consenting adult, right?

Talk to me...

[Junsui]

I don't think you should go on the dates. IMO, accepting them is telling him there might be a chance. Do you really want to get back into a relationship with him? I'm sure the problems that were there before will be there again.

[Rosebud]

If you are wanting to get back together again with him down the line then there's no harm on these dates. but if that's not what you want then stop going out with him.

I think he's trying to do all this becasue he realized he lost someone that would bend over back wards for him and take care fo him without him having to do anything. Of course he's regretful, so he's going to try and do whatever it takes to make you think he has changed to get you back. You said yourself he has lied to you several times and that just doesn't stop. This is his way of manipulating you all over again but in a differnet fashion from before since you picked up on that. Just IMO.

[Tone]

Didn't you just get done reading all these self-empowering books too...?

[bluesummer]

Independent, it's just freaky how similar our situations are. My bf acted the same as yours, and now is turning into this 'amazing person' overnight. It's very frustrating, because I realize I'm allowing myself to get taken in by it again and thinking "Maybe I CAN be happy with him??" I don't have the answer either. But a nagging feeling tells me that if they started this way and went bad, now if they start off nice again, eventually they'll go back to their 'bad' ways......hmmmmmm

Is it worth stringing the relationship along further? Or is this just going to be more emotionally damaging to both parties??? Ugh. Relationships. Pain In The ASS!

[independent]

I'm sure the problems that were there before will be there again.

Maybe that's the part I'm not 100% sure on. But then, at the same time, those problems... arent really *my* problem now that he isnt living with me. Now that I dont have to depend on or rely on him.

Obviously I cant move him back in (addressed that in the break up threads). So all that is left is "dating". Or even just being a long-term girlfriend (long term meaning as long as he is nice and fun and honest).

I assume he'll eventually want more... which I will have to turn down. The only exception to living with him again will be that 9 years has passed (that's when my youngest child turns 18). Having children in the house, I'm not in a position to be fickle about things like that (sends a bad message).

And eventually I will want more, I am sure. Which means I'll have to break it off with him to find someone that I can "have it all" with. All meaning the sex, fun AND trust, emotional security, deep conversation etc.

I dont see myself "having it all" with him anymore. We had that opportunity... and it didnt work out. He took me for granted, took advantage of me. And he LIED to me - which is probably the worst of them all.

So on the one hand, it seems completely selfish of me to go out on these dates and enjoy them as much as I do - knowing how I feel about where this is all going.

On the other hand, I'm not being deceptive in any way... so maybe there's no harm, and it's more of a "weaning phase" for us both. Hard to say.

[bluesummer]

But going on these dates may also be leading him to think your relationship is headed somewhere that it's not - and you may wind up hurting or confusing him.

Edit: If you care, that is.

[Junsui]

Personally, I don't think you will fully get over him as long as you stay involved with him in some way. Since you see no future with him, I don't see the point in continuing anything with him.

[independent]

I agree with you, Rose...

Didn't you just get done reading all these self-empowering books too...?

Yes, and am still reading (on book #3 now). And actually... I have to admit something here:

I am using the tactics shared in those books on him.

I went from "doormat" to "*****" (as suggested in "Why Men Love Bitches") - became A LOT happier myself... and in the process is when he seemed to do a complete turnaround.

So that left me with this crazy thought: Hmm. This shit works. Maybe I can bring out the best in him, now that I know how.

But the nagging thought that went along with that was exactly what Rosebud said: of course he loves me. I was good to him. Why wouldnt he want to win me back if he could? And all for what? So I can end up back exactly where I was?

Then I argue back: Yeah, but knowing what I know now... I'd never let it get to that point again. Maybe this is worth a shot.


I dont know. The sex is great, though. And at the end of the day, I just blow off all of the psycho-babble in my head and am content with the great sex part.

(for now)

[Rosebud]

Inde, I know all this is hard for you. And you said it yourself you could not trust him anymore and even if things happened, you would eventually move on. Why would you want to put yourself back in the same spot your tryingt o get over NOW?

ANd yous ay your not 100% sure he hasn't changed. I still think this is way of manipulating you again to get what he wants. The ways he used before you figured out, so he's trying something new that he knows will work with you. You said before he would break you down to get what he wants. Thats' the TYPE OF PERSON he is, things like that don't change and if they do it takes years.

[shh!]

All the self-help books in the world will not change your true nature.

[Junsui]

Yes, what I was just about to say shh!

[independent]

Independent, it's just freaky how similar our situations are. My bf acted the same as yours, and now is turning into this 'amazing person' overnight. It's very frustrating, because I realize I'm allowing myself to get taken in by it again and thinking "Maybe I CAN be happy with him??" I don't have the answer either. But a nagging feeling tells me that if they started this way and went bad, now if they start off nice again, eventually they'll go back to their 'bad' ways......hmmmmmm

Is it worth stringing the relationship along further? Or is this just going to be more emotionally damaging to both parties??? Ugh. Relationships. Pain In The ASS!

I think this is a common break-up thing. REAL common.

And yes, the whole thing IS a pain in the ass! Agreed!


I get what you're all saying - and it makes perfect sense. In fact, I've been thinking of posting this for 3 days now... but I had a feeling what your responses would be (which is what they are).

I dont know what to do. It seems stupid to turn down a good date, a nice time, or great sex... when there's no *good* reason not to just do it. We're adults, its consentual, right?

But I dont like the idea of setting myself to feel hurt again. And I dont like the idea of meeting someone that DOES treat me right (in ALL areas) and THAT being the reason I have to break it off with him (again). That wouldnt be nice...

Blah. Maybe I should talk to him.

*sigh* "talking" is not one of the things we're doing right now (LOL) which has actually been kinda nice.

[Asip4u]

Yes, what I was just about to say shh!

That's what she'd make you think. j/k

[Rosebud]

So that left me with this crazy thought: Hmm. This shit works. Maybe I can bring out the best in him, now that I know how.


Then I argue back: Yeah, but knowing what I know now... I'd never let it get to that point again. Maybe this is worth a shot.


(for now)

You cannot change someone, and I know you know this. You can use all those things and at the end of the day he will still be the same becasue he has not been trying to find why it failed? He has been trying to figure out how to get you back!

This is true you ahve learned some new things from those books and what not but do you really know it would be that easy to not let things happen the same way. I mean he's trying different tactics right now to get you back, once he does things may either stay how they were before or he would change it up a little to make you think he has really changed.

I mean it sounds like you have your mind made up already, but I just hate seeing someone grow form something and then go right back into all the same things all over again. I mean you had said you have problems with closure as well and again, you never closed this so it's still dangling there.