Going out with my Ex... Now What??

[independent]

All the self-help books in the world will not change your true nature.

You're right. And I'm likely to get sucked in by his manipulation (good post, Rose!) yet again before I realize what is going on.

And get hurt. Again.

Or hurt him. And I dont really want to do that either.

Probably best to end it right now while we are on good terms. That way we can remain friends, or at least not have a knock-down-drag-out about it and be amicable if we see each other in public.


I guess that means no more great sex too, right?

Blah

[independent]

at the end of the day he will still be the same becasue he has not been trying to find why it failed? He has been trying to figure out how to get you back!

What a GREAT point, Rose!

That was truly thought-provoking. You're absolutely right, of course.

DUH! lol

I mean you had said you have problems with closure as well and again, you never closed this so it's still dangling there.

Right again. I think the best idea is to break it off (and cut him off) while the 'getting out' is going to be easy on us both.

[Rosebud]

Not having sex, is not the end of the world Inde..LOL There will be others that will be much more responsible for their actions and that can handle a relationship!

I didn't mean to jump on you, I just wanted to make sure you had all aspects of everything instead of just looking at one side ya know?

[independent]

Yes, and it's hard to be objective when you're "on the inside" of a situation.

So BlueSummer - how are you handling it on your end?? Got any pointers?

[carpflounder]

I knew you wouldn't completly break it off with him.

[whaywardj]

If, in the process of parting ways, one person is hopeful a change of ways might lead to a resumption of the love affair, but the other is dubious it will, then sex between them during this time is, most likely, less consensual than it is coersive. One is enjoying it for it is. The other, for what it might lead to. For one, it is an end. For the other, a means. Blurring the line between the two outlooks can only lead to confusion. At best.

Try this, Independent: Inform your ex in clear terms you intend to be available to meet, date and whatever else you wish with other men while you and he are enjoying each other. (Which does, in fact, seem to be the case.) See how he responds to that reality.

[bluesummer]

Yes, and it's hard to be objective when you're "on the inside" of a situation.

So BlueSummer - how are you handling it on your end?? Got any pointers?

Well, I'd say you and I are about even. You are living apart from yours, but still seeing him/sleeping with him. On my part, I'm still living with mine, but not sleeping with him and barely even conversing.

So, here's the deal: you stop sleeping with your ex, and I'll kick mine out and we'll both be happy and proud of ourselves, and no longer wallowing in this self-inflicted torment. Sound good??

[whaywardj]

So, here's the deal: you stop sleeping with your ex, and I'll kick mine out and we'll both be happy and proud of ourselves, and no longer wallowing in this self-inflicted torment. Sound good??

That wouldn't be a fair deal, Bluesummer, since you've already decided to wash your hands of yours, whereas, she hasn't.

[bluesummer]

Fair enough.

[whaywardj]

Yeah, yeah. I was just underscoring your point. Which, I believe, is: Get on with what one knows has to be got on with.

[bluesummer]

Get on with the gettin' on. Lol.

[whaywardj]

I mean really. What's the alternative? Hovering around in limbo-land indefinitely? It's all well and good, as far as it goes, to treat ex-lovers like an old pair of comfortable shoes, but, my god, when the soul is already gone, what's the point? You can't walk anywhere with them without scuffing up your feet.

[independent]

Thank you Carpflounder - LOL *sigh*

To be fair BlueSummer & Hayward... he continued to live here for almost a month with the no sex / no talking before he finally got moved out. So I did go through that phase as well.

What is going on now is... well, just two adults taking comfort in each other, I suppose. And you are right that he holds out hope, while I am feeling it is hopeless.

I talked this over with a girlfriend today. I talked through the two sides of it, and came to the conclusion (as I did above) that NOW is the best time to have this talk with him (while things are calm and emotions arent flared).

So I say to her, "the only problem is, I know how he'll respond. He'll say 'give me a chance to prove it to you. Give me a chance to change' yada yada yada". That's the part I am dreading, because I couldnt come up with a reasonable response to that. One that he would "get" anyway.

She suggests I tell him the truth, which is: "because I dont feel the same for you anymore after everything that's happened between us".

Gosh that's hard to say to somebody. And at the end of the day, I think that's my problem.

[whaywardj]

She suggests I tell him the truth, which is: "because I dont feel the same for you anymore after everything that's happened between us". Gosh that's hard to say to somebody. And at the end of the day, I think that's my problem.

Odd. The women I've known have never had a problem saying that to me. If not in those very words, in others: "I've changed...I've decided I need a change of life-style...I've met someone...We just don't work together...What have you got to offer except your sweet soul?...I don't like who I am when I'm with you...You make me think I'm crazy...Harsh words were spoken...Too much water has gone under the bridge...I don't love you as much as you love me..." and on and on and on.

There's a saying in the South: "The truth only hurts when it should." There's a large measure of truth in that adage.

If you're SURE it's time for you to move on, there is only ONE response you need to have to any and all of his overtures toward reconciliation: "I don't want to." If you can't say that, then one would have be very doubtful that you're really done with him at all and he's correct to try to work that to the advantage of having you back.

Contrary to what most believe, and despite what they put themselves through as a result of the belief, it is not at all difficult to "end it," however much time you may have spent together with someone. It's only difficult to commit to the decision to. Once that's done, it's over. And you don't feel the slightest smidgen of regret that it is. On the contrary: You wonder why it took you so long commit to the decision. And therein my be the entire rub: Committing. Even to one's self.

[Rosebud]

She suggests I tell him the truth, which is: "because I dont feel the same for you anymore after everything that's happened between us".

Gosh that's hard to say to somebody. And at the end of the day, I think that's my problem.

Have you ever said that before? I know you have a hard time with closure but have you ever really told someone you didn't care as much as they did? It's starting to sound to me like you have never totally expressed your discontent in the end. By telling them TRULY how you feel. You have told them what they did made you feel this way, and you feel you can't do this because of this, but have you ever actually said " I just don't care about you as much as I used to becasue of all that has happened?"

I think that maybe the key here. You have been honest enough to tell him how you feel up until you know the next thing you will say will be for good. And then it seems like you question it becasue your savorying the moment and time...... Don't do that. Tell him how you really feel. Don't be scared that it will be the end. It will but it's a bump you have to cross hun!