Going out with my Ex... Now What??

[whaywardj]

Nicely put, RB. Saying everything BUT the one thing that will make "for good" real. That is soo commonly a problem, isn't it? In either staying with someone, OR in leaving them.

[independent]

So the situation becomes... Maybe I dont want this to be over? OR I do, but I dont know how to handle it (personal issue). Right?

Hmm.

I'll be honest with you: I'm not sure which it is. And I'm not sure how to tell.

I think that maybe in 5 or 10 years, we might be great together. I think that because I think someday he'll want to "settle down" (I'm already "settled down"). Not that I intend to wait that long, because I realize I may very well meet a man in that decade that will treat me well across the board - that will love who I am and what I'm about, and will have my best interests at mind at all times.

He thinks that too, which is why he doesnt want to let me "all the way" go, I think.

So maybe I'm just settling for what we have now (physical comfort, very basic companionship) because I dont want to be alone. That doesnt seem true (I dont get lonesome), but perhaps it is on a subconcious level.


I just wish he'd never hurt me in the first place. I sure did love him. We had some really, really great times together. That's it, right there. I love the man he was, and the man he could have been.

I dont think I can ever get past the things that he did, though. Trust is important. Being able to depend on someone in a time of need is very important. Feeling secure in your relationship is definitely important. I will never have any of those things... with him.

I have to accept that. And I have to realize that he never would have done those things to me if he were as in love with me as I was with him. Instead I make excuses, like "he has problems". The truth is, I cant fix him (boy did I ever try though!). *sigh*

[independent]

Some thoughts going through my head:

1) If I took sex out of the equation, would I still hang out with him? No... (what would be the point?)

2) I think I'd like to date other people. Not "find a new relationship". And not have sex. Just go out - date - get to know other people. I actually ran across a few recently that I found quite attractive... and found myself curious if they would be fun to hang out with.

That in itself pretty much tells me where I am on all of this. I havent even so much as *looked* in over two years. Now all of a sudden I am realizing there is a whole world of handsome and interesting men out there!

[Junsui]

There you go!

[whaywardj]

...Now all of a sudden I am realizing there is a whole world of handsome and interesting men out there!...Not that I intend to wait that long, because I realize I may very well meet a man in that decade that will treat me well across the board - that will love who I am and what I'm about, and will have my best interests at mind at all times...Trust is important. Being able to depend on someone in a time of need is very important. Feeling secure in your relationship is definitely important.

You rang?
______________________

[independent]

I didnt get that, Hayward... ??


So he calls me tonight. I havent seen him since our dinner/movie date on Saturday night - just talked on the phone a couple times.

Anyway, he says he called because he missed me. Says he thinks we should get married. I assumed he was joking... and I busted out laughing. He just paused and said he'd been thinking about it and thought that we should.

I reply - "with you living over there and me living here, huh?" (still laughing).

The conversation turns serious and I remind him that I cant trust him or depend on him - and that he hurt me in some very deep ways. And the conversation doesnt last long after that.


It's weird... because I dont even feel comfortable talking to him (outside of small talk) anymore. Even the small talk can be annoying (negative reminders, etc). This is all pretty sad to me. It's odd how I can be so physically attracted to him at this point, and how I can find so much comfort in him - I assume its the familiarity factor.

blah blah blah

I dont really know whats what anymore. Everythings just kind of blending together and I dont really feel a lot one way or the other. I would be content to just float through this as it is right now (no changes either way). But I know thats not realistic.

It'd be nice if they made a patch for boyfriends so we could just get over them *sigh*

[whaywardj]

I was putting a move on you, presenting myself as being in very secure possession of all the qualities you listed. And then some.

No biggie.

[whaywardj]

...I dont really know whats what anymore. Everythings just kind of blending together and I dont really feel a lot one way or the other. I would be content to just float through this as it is right now (no changes either way). But I know thats not realistic...It'd be nice if they made a patch for boyfriends so we could just get over them *sigh*

Keep "process" in mind, Independent, and the range of things within it. Metaphor: Hand near flame. Hand far from flame. In that range of movment (process), you feel different sensations. I'd hazard the "blurring" is an effect of your priorities re-arranging themselves without interference from your will, which, as we all know, is somewhat fractured at the moment on this particular matter.

They'll sort themselves out. Enjoy blissful ignorance over them for time and "float" until your discontent with that illumines a path your will CAN latch onto with certainty. THEN get back in the driver's seat and drive things toward the reality you know you want.

Yeah, it would be nice if patches for ex's existed. I STILL like Cher's quip about men on that score: "Men should be like Keenex's. Soft, strong and disposable."

Unfortunately for many women, some of us guys just don't know when to quit. Employing grand gestures to demonstrate how unselfish and caring we REALLY are, or are willing to be, we totally ignore the confusion, discomfort, and, sometimes, damage our persistence might be causing for the objects of our affections.

[independent]

LOL "soft, strong and disposable" hahahahahahahahaha

I was putting a move on you, presenting myself as being in very secure possession of all the qualities you listed. And then some.

Ohhh... Well it makes sense now that you point it out. I have no idea how to respond to that, of course, so if you dont mind I'll just come back to that later.

hehe

I'm out of patches and I'm about to come unglued, so I have to step out and make a trip to the store...

[whaywardj]

...Ohhh... Well it makes sense now that you point it out. I have no idea how to respond to that, of course, so if you dont mind I'll just come back to that later....

All things considered, that would probably be wise. Considerably later, I'd say.

[independent]

Yeah, LOL