Wits End

[bmj82]

As implied, I'm absolutely at my wits end in my marriage. Let me give you some background info, and I'll see if you're any better clued in than am I.

We were married young. She was 21, and I 20. We had been dating for 3 1/2 years through high school, and into college. We both come from very stable, very loving families. The wedding was beautiful, and that's where the happiness ended. The wedding was August of 2003, so we've been married 2 1/4 years now.

The trouble: Basically, we live like good roommates. We get along fine, know how to keep the other complacent, and that's about all there is. We rarely fight, and we always fight fairly and with respect. Yet, there is ZERO passion. We decided to wait until marriage for sex, and were both completely comfortable with that decision. We eagerly awaited sex, (and I feel sublimely confident that she was as excited as I) but when it came, she seemed to tune out of the relationship. In the 2 years and 3 months we've been married, she's been interested in sex about 12 times. I regularly go 2-3 months with no sexual interaction at all. I have ALWAYS wanted to be gentle to her, and make sure that she's comfortable with anything we do. She has verbalized indications that she prefers ME to initiate sex. However, on several separate occasions, she's given me lines like "I just don't want to be touched right now." or "I feel like your toy, like you're using me." I don't get angry or upset when she says stuff like this, because I don't want her to attach a negative mental picture to sex. So I graciously say "OK" and ask if I can do anything for her. Then I wait, and wait, and wait for any indication that she'll be interested in sex. It never happens. I can count on one hand the times that we've had sex in 2005. Both of us have busy days between work and school, but its nothing that leaves us exhausted. On most days, we have plenty of energy left. I'm kind to her always, I do my best to clean the house, do dishes, and get to repairs when she asks. I cook some dinners, do some shopping, and generally am VERY involved for someone who's in school 30 hours a week, and who works another 30 hours on top of that.

I HAVE discussed the sex issue with her on probably 10 separate occasions. She understands fully that a guy's body is NOT okay with sex every 2-3 months. She just can't seem to make herself get around to feeling sexual.

As of the last few weeks, I've just become angry. I've been an absolute saint to her for 2 1/4 years. I've been patient, hoping that discussion and being a helpful husband will make her come around, but no luck. I've done everything she asks, and tried to work out my sexual frustrations civilly. I'm not asking for anything crazy sexually. Hell, we've never done anything but missionary, and I've never requested anything else.

So now I'm just upset, mad, and feeling very betrayed by her.

I'm a 22 year-old, attractive college student/intern (I don't say that to be arrogant, but to indicate that I AM someone sexually desirable)

So, now I've started sleeping in the guest room. (in the last week) She's indicated that she doesn't like it when I sleep away from her, and asked why I sleep in the guest room. I just shrug, because right now I'm too mad, and an angry argument would NOT be productive.

I just feel so defeated, emasculated, and humiliated with another night in the string of 3 months that she's hopped in her grungy pajamas, and rolled over to bed. So, I'd rather sleep alone.

I KNOW that this isn't a solution, but I feel that in 2 1/4 years of marriage, sleeping with her, and trying to be kind/romantic has done nothing for her, and CERTAINLY nothing for me.

Help me. I really am at my wits end.

[Ellynn]

Wow, sorry to hear about your situation.....and I can see how you are fustrated! What I see happening here is a lack of communication. Also seeing as she was a virgin before you guys married....she has this idea of sex and how it should be etc.

Have you ever just tried creating a romantic atmosphere for her and getting her in the mood? I mean instead of just trying to intiate sex....have you tried the whole dinner....dancing, candles....bubble bath routine......to get her in the mood? Have you tried buying her lingerie? Something to let her know you find her incredibly desireable not only for sex....but for passion as well?

If you have tried this......really going out of your way to make things special for her to put some spice back into things.....and it hasnt worked then you seriously need to have a talk with her.

Sit her down and explain to her.....how you want a real marriage. Tell her how you find her attractive and beautiful...and you want the passion...and the romance back. Tell her that you want to make love to her....and not feel guilty for wanting to touch her. Also tell her your concerns about how you feel about your whole living situation......how shes like a roommate more then your wife/lover. Tell her how much this fustrates you and explain to her how you want it all....and not just stuff ...when you have to guess the time is right. Tell her how you cannot go on how things are.... And even maybe suggest seeing a marriage counselor is she doesnt listen.

She sounds to me like she is using not having sex as a punishment to you. She should NOT make you feel guilty for wanting to have sex whether its everyday or once a week......or for wanting to take her right there in the kitchen. (SOrry....i know thats extreme....but i had to get my point across.) It seems to me like she has inner conflicts when it comes to sex. She either views it as something not that enjoyable, something that should only be done when necessary....like for reproduction......or something maybe bad happened to her in the past that has turned her off to sex.

Is she religious? Maybe that plays a part....her feelings of guilt for being turned on. And honestly......she should not feel you have to intiiate sex every time. It takes two to tangle and I know that its more fun to take turns "starting things up".

Honestly though you should take this advice into consideration. Otherwise things will only get worse. I'm not saying that my advice is the best, but I think its worth a shot. I mean....what do you have to lose? Good luck and keep us posted.

[Junsui]

I agree with Ellynn. Did you have passion in your relationship before you got married? Since you said you both waited till marriage to have sex. She may just be this way and you didn't know it since the sexual part of your relationship wasn't explored until after marriage. Some women (and even some men) have incredibly low sex drives. You can get help for that. Instead of letting this build up inside of you, you need to sit down with her and talk to her about this problem. Find out how she views sex. Also, don't start the conversation when you two are in bed. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, I would be pretty cranky too!

[shh!]

Grr... I hate double threads.

[Tone]

I agree with the previous post.

[mhussain]

i honestly dont know what to say .. come on shh! help the poor guy out

Hussain

[shh!]

I already tried (on another thread).