?

[abigale]

I didn't know where else to post this. why isn't there a marriage forum? anyway...
So I am engaged to an older man, and I love him dearly... but the other day we were talkting about finances. he told me that after we are married he would like me to give him all my money to deposit into his account, that way he can take care of bills and things like that. Well I told him that we should open a joint account or he could put my name on his account that way we both had access to the money and I don't have to treat him like a parent and ask him for money all the time. soooo. he didn't like that at all and said that his ex-wife spent all his money before and that he ddidn't want that to happen again. So I told him fine, that I would keep my own account and we would set up a budget and I will give him money for the bills every month and keep the rest of the money. But he absolutely refuses to put my name on the account. Now up until this point we have had a very trusting relationship and I cannot belive that he doesn't trust me with money! I am 28 yrs old and I have been on my own since I was 17 and I have never been in alot of debt nor have I ever been late paying bills. i am very responsible and all of a sudden he is treting me like a child. any advice for me?

[Junsui]

Don't get married.

[Lloyd95]

So I am engaged to an older man,

Hello, Shh!

Sounds very shady to me. did he want a pre-nup too?
I suggest you both open a joint account and you each open a separate account. Both of you pool your monies into the Joint account, and each take 10% and put that into your separate accounts.

Then, your separate accounts are yours to do with as you please.

[shh!]

Yeah, be careful there. What is the age difference? Also, where do you live? Is it a community property state?

[Rosebud]

I would be careful, but if this happeend to him from his ex-wife I can see why he would be cautious. He probably thought every thing was all good up until they decided to split, just now everything is all god but things happen. I think it just might be he's trying to be cautious in this area to prevent that from happening again.

[Junsui]

And he's probably old enough to be her father, so he's treating her that way.


I'm playing!

[Tone]

Yeah but I dunno... him saying "Give me all your money to dump into my account" kind of sets off a red flag in my mind... almost like he's learned from his ex-wife and now tryin to reverse the roles. ;P

[Rosebud]

Yeah I can see that too, I was only hitting one point. I think it's bad to put your money into his account without your name being on the account. Stick to ahving seperate accounts and if it comes down to it.....you send out the bills yourself form your own account.

[clynn]

dont' give in on this point. sounds like he is letting his past bad experience interfere with your current relationship and you relenting will not help him get past that experience adn it won't make you feel comfortable.

Don't go for it.

[Reverb]

Seems like he wants to control you via the ole purse strings. Don't let him get away with it. You keep your account, he keeps his, and you both contribute equally to the bills in a joint account. What could be more fair than that? if he can't live with that then he's got control issues, and that's probably just the tip of the iceberg.

[abigale]

he is 13 yrs older than I am not exactly father age But I thank you all for your responses. I have yet to talk to him about it again. You have all given me a lot to think about when we do talk again which will very soon! I saw that one person wrote he probably has control issues. well, its funny but its quite the opposite except in this area, very strange. we have been together for a few years so i would like to say that i know him very well. i suppose we just need more talking. I came across a website [url]http://marriedfinances.com[/url] and it said alot abpout joint finances and things that everyone has been telling me. i was thinking of sort of casually getting him to check out the site maybe if reads stuff like that it will help the situation also. what do you think?

[Junsui]

Are you trying to sneakily spam us?

[mini696]

He's scamming you, and trying to control you.

Run away... RUN AWAY.

[whaywardj]

NO, NO, NO. THINK! You need multiple, individual accounts AND accounts in common. My ex and I had the following:

Separate savings and checking accounts, where we each kept our own money; a joint-checking account we funded from the private accounts for all household purposes; a joint savings account we used to fund our wish-lists; a joint financial advisor account with AMEX, who told us (years ago) how to set all this up in the first place; and separate credit cards.

The idea behind all that was to create a legally viable declaration of intent and to maintain records of who contributed what to whom or what in the event of a dissolution of the marriage. Which, unfortunately, happened. In California, yet.

Generally, what you try to do is structure your financial accounts to reflect your intentions. This goes for taxes, as well. Though married filing jointly may be financially advantageous, it also is a record which contradicts an intent to keep your incomes separate and distinct from one another in other quarters.

It sounds complicated in the writing of it, but it's pretty simple in practice. You're paying rent or mortgage? That comes out of the joint account. You're buying a new boy-toy gizmo of one kind or another? That comes out of his personal account or his credit card.

In ANY case, though, you DO NOT want to just hand over your money to ANYONE who isn't legally bound to exercise due diligence in their use of it.

If his reasoning for asking for that is that "he handles it much better," tell him, then, to teach you how. If he makes a big issue of not having control of your money, DO NOT marry this man. Or, if you simply MUST, arrange to protect your resources from community property statutes in your area well BEFOREHAND.

(You may be told this isn't possible in a community property state. We were. That's, generally, hogwash. There are myriad ways on a range of ways. At one end, incorporate yourself and have all your income paid to the corporation. What may be community property in that case is only what the corporation gives you as dividend income. At the other end, structure your financial accounts so they present CLEAR evidence and -- more importantly -- a record of activity that demonstrates your intention to have both separate AND joint resources BEFORE the marriage and during it.)

And ignore everything I just said until you've had a long talk with a bona fide financial advisor who's familiar with the current laws of your area.

[shh!]

On the other hand, I had a divorce lawyer tell me that people who go to extremes to protect themselves financially are simply planning for when the divorce comes (not IF). I guess he was trying to say you ought not marry someone you don't trust completely.