Confused with Mixed Signals that has Lead to This...

[Plantagenet]

About 2 months ago I started dating a girl who I really care for. She does, however, have some major problems. Her last boyfriend (who she was majorily in love with) was cheating on her with another woman. It has been 6 months and she is still obsessed with him. She speaks his name at least twice a day.

Our relationship is confusing, to say the least. We have had sex, but within minutes she was crying and saying that she felt it was wrong. That she wasn't ready. I completely understood. She said that she didn't want me to "wait for her" (assuming that she means wait for her to get over this guy). But I told her I care too much for her to simply leave her and said we could be just friends.

The problem now became the mixed signals. I give her back massages without her top on (though, she tries to hide herself because she is partly embarrassed about her appearance (another hangup) even though I have seen her nude before and assured her she is beautiful). I've done massages to her legs in which I moved up her thigh to within an inch of "her". And we often cuddle up on her bed and watch movies with her deep in my arms. Often, she rests her head on my arms when watching TV. I also cook for her, try and do so much for her to show I am there for her and I care. I think I do more than what most friends would do.

The other day, she mentioned that a male friend of her's (who she has known for 7 years and slept with once) she is in love with. It hurt me greatly. Mostly for two reasons, this guy doesn't even live in the city (he goes to university in another city 6 hours away) and he doesn't intend on living in this country when his studies are complete. He also admitted to her he has taken back his ex (a woman even I will admit is not right for any man).

This saturday is a Christmas party in which this guy is invited (I was invited, until the agrument the other day). She admitted that there will be a lot of drinking and that people will need to stay overnight. But she only trusts two men to stay in her room, me and Mark. She has a tendency to become very uninhibited when she drinks. So, I KNOW that I would not be invited into her room that night. I will end up on the couch and I KNOW she will make an attempt at sexual relations with him in an attempt to win him over. Hearing them have sex would probably scar me for life. So, I came out to her and said that there is still a part of me that wanted to be more than friends, that I could be the emotional crutch she needs right now (after all, she still has her ex's picture on the fridge...she was crushed by him, but apparently still loves him). Her friend admitted to me that I am good for her and she said that she deserved someone who would take care of her. But the lines of friendship is so blurry. I've asked people and they all agree that friends don't do the types of things we do.

Yesterday, we had a big fight. I told her that I had a piece of me that wanted to be more, but only when she was ready to have a relationship. Maybe not today, next week or next month. But someday. She said we had had this discussion before and thought this whole thing was closed. She got mad, and cried, a few times during our discussion (it was over the phone) In the end, I saw her today and she didn't speak to me. I did hear from someone that she was discussing this whole incident with other people (angerly) in the halls, so I know she is anger. I suspect it is because she felt we were in a friendship mode and nothing more. But twice she has said (though, somewhat in drunken states) that she wanted to be with me but...she never states the but, however I suspect it is all about the hangup she has. She admitted (during our argument) that she is mentally attracted to me, that I am one of the greatest people she ever met, but that she is not physically attracted to me. I then asked what is it that she doesn't like about my visually. She would later say someone could could look like Brad Pitt (not actually who she said, but most women can relate) and she wouldn't be attracted to them right now.

So, now I am confused so badly. Everyone tells me to get out. That this girl is completely screwed up in the head. That this will only cause you more pain than it has. I know it has been only 2 months, but I haven't felt like this with someone in a long time. We share so much in common, we click and connect. Our times together are always great!

I guess what I am asking is, did I do the wrong thing in telling her my feelings for her (thus, changing the dynamics of our relationship)? Was what we were doing considered friendship? I was trying to make her feel wanted so that she would want me when this hangup was over. But if she is trying to get with another guy, I couldn't stand by and be the person she jumps over and thinks only as a friend when I want more (when she is ready). Should I just leave it as it is and let her come to me (if she ever speaks to me again)? I am so confused about everything and it would be so easy to give up on her, but I think this has so much potential down the line and I don't want to just give up and spend another 8 years finding someone like her (as it has happened now).

Any advice or comments are greatly appreciated.

[Chlorine]

Plantegenet-----Reading your entire post and trying to respond accordingly is too difficult. Hence I will paint a visual image. You are currently sinking in quick sand. Just sinking in and soon you will be in so deep you can't get out.

[scallop]

Mate - i am no expert but it seems pretty obvious to me this girl doesnt fancy you. Thats an important first step required before any relationship can begin. Nothing you can do will make her change her mind - she probably knew this within 10secs of meeting you.
I would forget any ideas of a relationship with her and move on.

[Plantagenet]

Mate - i am no expert but it seems pretty obvious to me this girl doesnt fancy you. Thats an important first step required before any relationship can begin. Nothing you can do will make her change her mind - she probably knew this within 10secs of meeting you.

I guess the part of her crying in her pillow in front of me and saying she wants to be with me but can't right now and having mentioned in a couple of these moments not to wait for her to get over these issues has me confused about whether she actually doesn't "fancy" me or not. If I felt she didn't, then I wouldn't have continued as I have.

BTW, I forgot to mention, she admitted to me that she is bi-polar. Whether that has any relivance to all this, I don't know

[Junsui]

Who isn't bi-polar?

[Tone]

Who isn't bi-polar?

LoL no kiddin.

[Plantagenet]

LoL no kiddin.

Ok, more to the point, a person who has had epileptic seizures much of her life and has caused a chemical imbalance that requires medication. THAT is bi-polar.

[Junsui]

A chemical imbalance is not necessarily bi-polar. I'm not arguing whether she is or not, but pointing out that a lot of people nowadays say they are bi-polar, which is going through periods of mania and then depression. If she is receiving treatment that works for her, then I don't know how her being bi-polar would be a problem.

[Tone]

Yeah it was nothin personal - of course we don't know you or your girl so we can't say.

We were just pokin fun at the large number of threads claiming / blaming their problems on "btw I'm bi-polar."

[misombra]

she is ****ed up in the head. how old is she?

[gHEXjt]

Yeah it was nothin personal - of course we don't know you or your girl so we can't say.

We were just pokin fun at the large number of threads claiming / blaming their problems on "btw I'm bi-polar."

That's pretty ****in' true Tone. And considering that depression and psychosis run in my family, I take offense to having people blame their problems on that. When in actuality, most people who are bi-polar don't believe they are, or are too scared to admit it.

[Rosebud]

After having read that entire post. Yes I think you made a mistake in trying to pursue her again after you guys decided to be friends. She obviously has no clue what she wants. She says she's still getting over her ex and then she tells you she has fallen in love with her firend of 7 years. GET OUT! she has told you, she isn't physically attracted to you. Why would you want to keep pursuing someone that doesn't feel the same way that you do? If she is Bi-Polar that could be why she flip flops and can't tell you how she really feels all the time with the same consistancy but even still. you need to get out and move on.

She is really not into you and she has said it more than once. So on that note, let her be and move on from her.

[ngwasuma]

Ignore her - she will learn later.