Hello everyone! plus, a love emergency..

[Tiay]

um.. hi

I never liked forums (in general) much in the past, they always just confuse me. But if I had known there was one called loveforum, I think I'd have joined a while ago. So, i'm a total forum newbie. didn't even find the post button for a while, that's how new.

I really need some advice... I'm kind of a loner and don't have many close friends who I can ask, or who I could use as frames of reference for what is considered normal in my situation...
Is it naive of me to expect my long distance (LONG distance; 7 hour, 700€ flights) boyfriend (16 months) to be completely exclusive to me? I'm a 19 year old virgin, he's 3 years older and more experienced.

The first time he brought up the topic of having a more 'casual' relationship, I cried so much that he just backed down on it.. but the issue has reared its head again, and I feel like we really have to kill it good this time.

One part of me says "hey, i'm an all-or-nothing gal, and if some jerk can't give that to me, he doesn't deserve me in the first place!", and another part of me says "he's just a little commitment-phobic, give him some space and if he really loves me, he'll always come back to me"..

I respect that he's being honest about he wants; It would be so much worse if he just ignored his own wishes.. eventually that could lead to him building a resentment to me and jeopardise our friendship. But even if I tell him that we can have more of an open relationship, even if my _mind_ fully understands that he needs this, that it's better for the long run, that I might benefit from it myself, etc, it's still going to hurt my _heart_ like hell if he really.. dates somebody else in a romantic way.
He also feels that since i will be going to college for the next four years, I'm going to want some freedom myself to have those 'college experiences'.. but I really don't want to. I am totally smitten with him, and all my male friends in college are made aware of the fact that I'm not on the market.

I already told him that there is no way I am loosing my virginity in a non exclusive relationship. I know I'd regret it. But then again, the poor guy hasn't been laid since I met him, wont he just get really frustrated and become more likely to sleep with someone else if I don't? I don't know what to do. So many people I know or know of now regret the way it happened and I'm so determined not to be one of them.

wow, that got longer than I thought it would. If this is the wrong place to put this, please direct me to the right place and i'll repost it there.

Thank you,
-tiay

[vashti]

I think long distance relationships are too much to ask of a 19 year old, and I don't think him staying together out of guilt is what you really want. I would let him go. (And yeah, don't sleep with him.)

[Lloyd95]

Yeah, usually this is just to day hello, and the bulk of that could've been in the "dating section". But welcome!

[Rosebud]

I don't know this guy at all. But I would think if he wanted to date you casually it's becasue he wants to get laid! If he really cares about you, he would want to be with you no matter what.

[Tone]

Hello Tiay - welcome to LF!

Probably would have been better in the "Dating Forum" - that's where you usually find threads like this, but if you post your pic in the Gallery (top left of your screen) or Private Message me your pic - you will be forgiven and we won't ban you from the internet!

Now - onto business.

Darlin, a couple things here, from my opinion. First off - long distance relationships ARE hard... which you can't blame him for wanting something closer. Is there any near future plans of either of you moving closer? Seven hours apart by air is pretty far...

But onto the bigger thing - DO NOT feel like you 'have' to give him your virginity in order to save your relationship. Him having sex with you is NOT going to fill the void of wanting someone close while you are away. More importantly - I'm sorry to say - but the long distance relationships typically don't work out, and there are already signs yours won't either (I'm really sorry!) so you should save your virginity for someone special (Yes yes I know I know - 'but he is special!'). Someone who DOES want to be exclusive to you and only you. Long distance or not.

I know you want to think of ways to save your relationship and to stop him from wanting to casually date - but giving up your virginity is not it, and something I truely and honestly believe you will regret later on.

Best of luck! You sound really sweet, so I feel bad you're going through this - but on the other hand I don't cause I know you'll get through it, and I know you will be a much stronger person because of it.

[Tiay]

I think long distance relationships are too much to ask of a 19 year old, and I don't think him staying together out of guilt is what you really want. I would let him go. (And yeah, don't sleep with him.)

Hi Vashti, thanks for replying :)
well.. I'm quite mature for my age... I had a strange childhood. I'm not sure what you mean by "let him go". Do you mean it as in to let him have more freedom, or do you mean just leave the whole thing?.. that's not something I want to do at all though.

thanks, Lloyd95 for making me feel welcome :) I hope it's ok to leave this post here then..

Hi Rosebud,
uh.. I don't know how to paste in a quote here or I would..

I assure you that if he just wanted to get laid, he could have done so. He lives in a big city and he's damn hot and smart, so if that's all he wanted he wouldn't have been "going out" (if that's what you can call it in a long-distance relationship, it's more like "flying out" for us) with me for the last 16 months.

[Tone]

Hi Vashti... thanks, Lloyd... Hi RoseB... no 'Hello Tone!' no 'Okay Tone here is my pic' no 'Hey Tone what's your favorite movie, color, and food?'

I just wish I had at least one e-friend. That's all I really want...

[Tone]

Perhaps RoseB could be wrong in his motives with you, but I think something she did say which cannot be overlooked, nor any excuse made is:

If he really cares about you, he would want to be with you no matter what.

[Tiay]

Hi Vashti... thanks, Lloyd... Hi RoseB... no 'Hello Tone!' no 'Okay Tone here is my pic' no 'Hey Tone what's your favorite movie, color, and food?'

I just wish I had at least one e-friend. That's all I really want...

Hi Tone,
sorry, I clicked reply before you posted it, honest.
thanks for your detailed reply, I really appreciate your time.

hehe ok .. how can I pm you a picture, do I link to an URL or can you attach it somehow?.. oh, i'll look into it anyways.

I definitely agree on the virginity thing. I've read up about it a lot and all those who thought that having sex will improve or "fix" a relationship have been stung badly, I know.

Sadly, we can't move closer together because I'm in college.. and I believe the only exchange programmes the college has are even further away. My education has been kind of strange too, I wasn't even going to go to college, but it sort of happened this way and he wouldn't want me to give that up for him - though I would have. .. yeah, smitten is the word here.
Oh, though, depending on where he gets a scholarship/what he decides to do, he could be moving a lot closer or a lot further away in the future.

heck.. I know long distance is hard, but isn't it a bit cynical to just give up on it completely? Also, it does have it's positive aspects, like that both people can get better grades-- well it's true!

thanks
-tiay

[Tone]

LoL it's all good darlin, I was just messin around anyway, I knew we posted closely together that you were writing your reply while mine was posted.

NOW - one last thing, Tiay:
I understand you are "newbie" to the 'forum-land'. Now - I understand that in the internet realm, cool and non-dorky guys like myself are extremely rare - but feel safe that I am not an 'internet dork' - BUT when you are bored at work and forced to spend many hours each day in their natural habitat - you MUST pick up on some of their ways if you are to survive.

And Tiay, it just so happens there is one technique that I have picked up on. The "How to Post a Picture to a PM" technique I would like to share with you, if you are willing to learn.

It goes something like this.

Step #1: Click on this ----> [url]http://imageshack.us[/url]

Step #2: Click "Browse" and find your picture. Click OK.

Step #3: Click "HOST IT" on Imageshack

Step #4: It will give you a bunch of boxes with a bunch of ancient nerd language, highlight in the box and go EDIT -> COPY

Step #5: Return to LF. Click on my name and "SEND A PRIVATE MESSAGE"

Step #6: Click inside the 'PM' and go to EDIT -> PASTE.

Step #7: Click send.

Rinse and repeat as many times or as many pictures as you want to send. Imageshack is free hosting and the only way someone can see it is if you give out the link. Good luck, soldier... I've tought you so well.. I'm so proud to see you grow... *tear*

[Rosebud]

Oh tone!!! Hi tony boy!!!!! My sexy, cutie pie!!! Is that better?

And ok Maybe I had the sex thing a little off based, I think I got confused from your original post. He wants to date you casually right? Well long distance relationships are very ahrd to maintain. You lack the physical closeness, and while it may not be directed around sex you still aren't able to do the normal lovey dovey things. I know you said he's afraid of commitment, but has he told you exactly why he wants to date you more casually?

[Tone]

Shame on Lloyd for being so selfish... back to your problem:

I definitely agree on the virginity thing. I've read up about it a lot and all those who thought that having sex will improve or "fix" a relationship have been stung badly, I know.

Sadly, we can't move closer together because I'm in college.. and I believe the only exchange programmes the college has are even further away. My education has been kind of strange too, I wasn't even going to go to college, but it sort of happened this way and he wouldn't want me to give that up for him - though I would have. .. yeah, smitten is the word here.
Oh, though, depending on where he gets a scholarship/what he decides to do, he could be moving a lot closer or a lot further away in the future.

heck.. I know long distance is hard, but isn't it a bit cynical to just give up on it completely? Also, it does have it's positive aspects, like that both people can get better grades-- well it's true!

thanks
-tiay

I don't believe it's cynical, but then again I don't believe in long distance relationships, especially when there is no plan on anyone moving closer to the other. I just think it's realistic - some people (like me) just NEED more than the emotional attachment in a relationship... I NEED to be able to hug my girl, kiss her, hold her while we watch a movie or television, rub her feet & back and run her a hot bubble bath after a hard day of work, I NEED to see the pretty smile only a woman you care about can give, I need both the emotional and physical aspect of a relationship.

I'm not tryin to just kick a dog while it's down - but just want you to be prepared that you might have to let him go and move on. I mean, what do you think is going to happen if he is wanting to casually date? You don't want to have to go through the torture of hearin he's dating some girl close to him, to have to constantly worry of having to share your boyfriend - no one wants that. I understand you are extremely 'smitten' over him, but the way I see it the longer you wait the more it's going to hurt.

:[

I wish I could tell you different or better news for you, but I just have to keep it real with how I really feel of your situation - I just can't see it working. Sorry darlin :[

[Rosebud]

Oh I see how it is.... ok fine! see if you get anymore compliments from me Tone!

[Tone]

Why is everyone yelling at me.

All I wanted was your e-friendship...

Come on RoseB, just relax... seriously calm down.. you really need---- ROSEB PUT THE KNIFE DOWN!!!

[Tiay]

well, you'd be surprised how much physical 'closeness' you can get from webcams, but not anything near the real thing of course.
I can't really blame him for wanting to be more .. 'free', since I can't be there to give him all the physical closeness.* We always knew we'd be long distance and we talked about it. No mention of being casual there though. I gave up on a 5 year friendship that was on the cusp of becoming seriously romantic at the time, because he swept me off my feet.. I almost feel like I cheated, really.

*: which, as Tone points out.. could lead to him finding someone 'better' and me having to move on .. ? .. I don't seem to have a choice but to risk this since.. I just can't give up on the relationship. I feel like I've invested everything I reasonably could at this point; money on flights, giving up on other potential relationships, etc, and if I stop now I'll be standing there like an idiot in the middle of the road who ran a mile chasing after an unattainable car. Maybe the pain of that would in the end be less than the torture of sharing him, yes, but still I can't. oh, and did I mention that my family loves him? He and my mom email each other all the time, he's had a good friendship with my brother since seven years before I met him.