turned off by lazyness?

[-G-]

I've been in this relationship for a while now, I really love her, respect, communication and all other little things has always been there. We were always able to overcome the little things like in any relationship but a little thing on her part is bugging me lately and I just don't know how to approach her with this...

She's giving me the impression that she's getting more and more lazy so I’m looking for advice or people that already been in this kind of situation. Kind of putting TV and personal relations in front of work, homework or even chores.

Is it normal that I find myself turned off by my lover about this? We live appart by a two hour drive and we’re supposed to move in together soon and although it's scaring me a bit, I can't ignore that she's the one jumping here and I know it means a lot on her part. How to deal with this? Please help.

[clynn]

You should definitely address it. Particularly if you're going to move in together.

Maybe she is just in a slow period? Perhaps she is confused about things in her life? Is she uncertain about her direction - is she confident about her choices re: school and career? Is she having any problems with other family? Sometimes I think it is good to fluff off for a while adn relax and go through periods where you just let it all go so you can relax and contemplate your navel.

That being said, those periods have to end. And she has to be able to "get back at it". Start rejoining the land of the living.

You may want to start the discussion by stating that you are concerned...asking if she is okay. Tell her that her behavior is out of character. Sometimes it helps to have someone close to us point out these things...we don't see it ourselves, or at least not as clearly.

What kind of dynamic do you have in your relationship? Are you typically the motivator? Are you always "on the go" and she more the one inclined to relax and take it easy.

[Tone]

Plan some active things for you guys to get out and do.

[-G-]

Clynn, I would say that I’m the motivator, now. To say that I’m always on the go is a bit too strong. I just try to balance my day with everything, work, simple chores, some exercise and of course time for her. I rarely lose time on non-essential things like computers, games or even reading, I don’t have any.

You know, at the beginning she wasn’t like this, she was strong and even, motivating me. Seems it became worst and worst over time. She just dropped out of two courses and the excuses not to do anything are also getting worst and worst.

Everything is fine with her familly. I also have a good relationship with her parents. You could be right about her being a little mixed up about her current lifestyle since she’s about to get transferred here. She often says things like she’s going to get back at it when we’re living together and that right now she’s just out of it.

Ok, I know I should be reassured by her saying that but then again, I’m a little scared this is going to keep going living with her, that it will again become worst and worst.

We spoke yesterday, she was talking about her computer being broken and that it was preventing her of doing her homework. That’s ok, but instead of taking the measures for repairs she took all her free time on tv or simply to chat with her roomate. Lets just take that as one example ;o)

Tone, I think you have a very good idea and I plan to everytime we're together.

[shh!]

You are upset that she spent time talking to her roommate? Uhh... you sound like a bit of a control freak to me. If that is the best example you have, I think the problem may be yours.

As long as she gets done what she needs to get done, I think you should mind your own business. Not everyone needs to be continually productive to feel good about themselves. In fact, the most creative minds belong to those who spend time doing "nothing" but thinking their thoughts.

[Converse]

You are upset that she spent time talking to her roommate? Uhh... you sound like a bit of a control freak to me. If that is the best example you have, I think the problem may be yours.

As long as she gets done what she needs to get done, I think you should mind your own business. Not everyone needs to be continually productive to feel good about themselves. In fact, the most creative minds belong to those who spend time doing "nothing" but thinking their thoughts.

I agree with this post.

[yellowjasmin]

You are upset that she spent time talking to her roommate? Uhh... you sound like a bit of a control freak to me. If that is the best example you have, I think the problem may be yours.

As long as she gets done what she needs to get done, I think you should mind your own business. Not everyone needs to be continually productive to feel good about themselves. In fact, the most creative minds belong to those who spend time doing "nothing" but thinking their thoughts.

i was in this kinda relationship once. i was still in college and he was working. we lived together. To him, I should always be productive. If I'm not doing house chores, cooking, studying, ect..I have to do something BUT wathcing tv, relax, napping, ect. He's a very productive person, but his expectations for me was out of wack. I was still in school, damn it! anyhoo, the relationship didn't last. Long story short, it was his expectations in a woman that I was unable to meet and after few dates with other women he realized he wanted me back. ha ha. it's a little bit too late. What i was saying is that...don't judge a person because she/he wants to relax a little bit. Maybe she's pms-ing, tired, stressed, whatever. you gotta communicate with her to find out why she's not active. And it's ok to be lazy sometimes. it's part of life. we all get tired at times.
Maybe instead of quickly losing interests, get her to get up and do something WITH you.

[Prodigal]

But is she getting what she needs to get done completed? She's going to school, most likely in order to prepare herself for an occupation... not doing homework shows laziness to me if she was just slacking off.

Does she do this all the time? Of course there are times for everyone where they just have no motivation to do work. I agree that the laziness is a problem. If these tables were turned and the girl was posting about her bf being lazy, maybe the response would be different? Of course the most creative minds sometimes just 'think their thoughts'... but to apply the creative mind means having to put it to work.

[Taranee]

Perhaps you should stop worrying. If she's not worried about her change. Why should you? Give her the freedom to do things in her own pace. Let her live her life. And stop worrying..

[-G-]

Thanks for all your replies. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's wrong...I see it as Prodigal says, she's not completing what has to be done, even dropping out of two courses ...I just find myself less attracted by her because of that. It just sounds lazy.

I don't think she's stressed since she only has 3 days of college/week and doesn't work. But even with this I think your right Taranee, its her life and it shouldn't affect mine, thanks :o)

PS. Please, before judging too fast, I'm not jealous over her passing time with her roomate, I really can't since I can't be with her anyway, she's too far. Besides, she's also my friend too.

[shh!]

If she is generally non-productive, I would find it problematic. If she is typically productive, I would ignore the periods of time when she isn't.

Why did she drop her classes? Was she overbooked? What excuse did she give you? Is she a good student?

[TAVS]

Listen to Shh! She ALWAYS knows what she's talkin bout.

[clynn]

Maybe she dropped the classes because she realized they were a bad choice for her? Maybe she was trying something out - like Math or Science and then realized, ooops, no - they're not interesting or too hard for her or something.

......Sometimes it can be hard to be motivated if the things you are doing don't interest you. Or if she needs a change.

....Maybe she needs to find her passion!

----Regardless - DO talk with her about it. It wouldn't be good to let it build and fester and concern you to the point that you break up with her....when she could have done something about it.

[shh!]

I don't think she's stressed since she only has 3 days of college/week and doesn't work. But even with this I think your right Taranee, its her life and it shouldn't affect mine, thanks :o)

That she is only in school 3 days doesn't mean much. What is the number of units she is taking, and what are the classes? I am taking microbiology and a literature class, and they keep me plenty busy because I care about my grades and I am not naturally gifted in the sciences. Even still, I spend many hours studying each week.

[Prodigal]

If she is generally non-productive, I would find it problematic. If she is typically productive, I would ignore the periods of time when she isn't.

Why did she drop her classes? Was she overbooked? What excuse did she give you? Is she a good student?

I disagreed with your first post, and you now accentuated the point I was trying to make (don't know how well I made it) in this post.

Being in college myself, I would also have to agree with shh!. If she had 5 classes and now has 3, then that's definitely understandable. Again, the units are the real issue here. She could have class all day on these 3 days.. taking 19+ quarter units, etc. 16+ quarter units is a lot, believe me. I took 17 last quarter and it was a lot... maybe she just got lucky and got all her classes MWF.

So then, I agree with the thought that maybe you should cut her some slack- that is, if she is normally a productive person and/or she is taking hard classes or many units.

And I disagree with Taralee. Yes, it's true that it's her life and you can't force her to do things at a pace you would want to, but how she lives her life and goes about doing things that are important (like school) should be important to you. Think about it in terms of the future: would you want to marry someone who doesn't have some things that you seem to highly value, like diligence or a good work ethic? If you really have a problem with what she's doing, then I wouldn't just ignore it and be like "it's her life, I'll let her live it as she wants. So I won't say anything". Let her live the life as she wants, but she can live it without you.