We broke up 7 years ago, how do I forget?

[gingersnaps]

There is an ex who has been on my mind for several years now. We broke up seven years ago (I broke his heart, yes it was all my fault), I deeply regret it, not only because he will not forgive me or speak to me, but I also deeply regret the pain that I caused him, which I did not understand at the time but that's where maturity comes in.

Anyway, although I know he wants nothing to do with me, I haven't been able to get rid of thoughts of him, images of him smiling or laughing in my mind, images of his eyes, thoughts of being together and hugging, thoughts of getting married (like he planned back then,) and how perfect he would be for me ("if only he would forgive me"). Now, here's the thing, I know full well how stupid this is (hey if he didn't change his mind by now....!!!) and I don't have any belief[thought] of it really happening.

BUT I still think about him pretty much every day, these fantasies of how we could get back together, (they don't have to be realistic at all), and because we live in the same city, a little hope[emotion] that maybe I'll see him today and "who knows"[even though I ridicule myself for having this idea] (somehow I never ever see him, or not for about 2 years, but I heard he's still here.)

As you can see my thoughts are in the right place and my emotions are not.

Anyway, obviously this is obsessive or addictive or something because it's so unrealistic and causing me so much unhappy feelings so often. But during the time I haven't been with him, I never met someone else that I thought was as perfect for me as he was. (I am in a relationship now, which for this and other unrelated reasons I believe I should end soon, but anyways, this adds the layer of *guilt* to all these fantasies too...)

I NEED to forget about this old ex. TIME is not doing it and neither is meeting other guys. Hello it has been 7 years. I have met lots of guys...

If that thing that they had in "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind" was real, I think I would sign up for it. I am that sick of these stupid fantasies and hopes! So since that is not an option (as far as I know,) what else could I try?

[Illusional]

haha i used to do this with my ex's too, until i realized that i'm only looking at the good time. you cherrish memories close to your heart, but for a moment think that these are the only memories. why did you break up with him? i'm sure that there was a reason. however, it's only up to you to move on, i won't tell you otherwise.

raverboy

[wwefan300]

Listen to me when i say this, forget it, i mean if your really going to get another boyfriend or ever move on. You got to not think about it to much, spend time with friends, watch tv, play games and do something to take your mind off relationships . Believe me i had to learn that the hard way.

[shh!]

Because your current relationship is unstable, you are romanticizing your old relationship, and the guy is probably nowhere near as good as you remember him. Do something meaningful with your life, and you will probably quit thinking about the "good old days".

[cheazypeaz]

hey,

when you look back at a relationship, its very easy to remember the good bits, the things you miss, and the things you'd love back. what people seem to forget is the bad things, you forget what happened which led to a break-up, you forget those 'little' things you didnt like about him, i guess if one was given a second chance it wouldn't last very long. slowly and surely those little bad bits will get to you again and piss you off, so it wont work.. nooooo way!

Spike

[Pears]

Like cheazypeaz said, it is hard not to forget the good times.

To try to stop your good fantasies about your ex, you can think of all the reasons you broke up with him. He must have done things that you didn't like for you to break up with him.

I remember I a long time ago when I forgot about the bad parts of an ex and started to think mostly about the good things. I felt miserable doing that. Luckily, when I saw him in person, he was still doing things I didn't like, so that reminded me of how much I disliked him and the fantasies stopped.

[gingersnaps]

Actually................. I broke up with him because I thought he was too good for me, "out of my league" and was just going to dump me anyways, meanwhile there was another guyh who wanted to marry me and I figured he is more on my level. At the end I didn't marry either one! The other guy did not work out because of personality differences. Anyway, it is a pretty stupid reason that makes sense only when you are immature and insecure.

Also, feeling this way towards him predates my current relationship.

I agree it would be good to "stop thinking about it" but as I said, wanting to do that and being able to do that are different things.

Besides social things (I am also unhappy with my friendships right now, so I am working on that,) my life is doing very well... so I am not sure how much more "meaningful" life can get without me becoming mother teresa. No matter what, your work and hobbies can't really replace that special sense of connection you get with certain people.

[whaywardj]

I'd think you might want to get clear on what a love relationship means. Judging from your posts, it appears you believe it's something you put on or take off according to mood or style, like a fashion accessory.

[gingersnaps]

don't know why you would say that. This is not dependent on my mood or style as it has been the way I've felt for 3.5 years, which is the problem, it is too long to still have these hopes and fantasies for someone who has moved on long ago.

If you are referring to my silly thoughts 7 years ago (when this all took place between myself, him, and that other fellow), I completely recognize and am ashamed of how foolish I was. In nearly a decade, I have matured quite a bit.

[Cybog]

A lot of people here are telling you to "just forget about it", which honestly does jack and shit for you. OBVIOUSLY you want to forget about it and move on, but sometimes it is almost impossible to do.

I still think about and dream about the girl that broke my heart almost 10 years ago. I won't go into specifics, but the point is - some of us still feel what you do.

I think that the best remedy as far as "getting over it" goes, is one of the hardest things that there is to obtain - Closure.

You are still beating yourself up over a "mistake" you made so long ago, and no matter what you do you can't live it down. The relationship likely ended on a note that you didn't want it to, and now you are suffering from the agony of feeling about things that "could have been".

We all know that this other person has moved on, matured, grown, and is likely a totally different person that he was 7 years ago. But those of us who still feel these things only think about how wonderful those people were many many years ago, and we imagine "The Wonder Years Version" of our beloved.

The remedy? Get closure. Send a letter to the person that you think about. Spill your heart and tell them all those things that you have always wanted to say. Apologize if need be...whatever you want to say to get it off of your chest. At the end of it, let them know that if they never want to talk to you, you would understand, but that you needed to do this.

If they come back and want to talk to you, then perhaps you will finally find out what happened to them and see where they are now in their life. Sure, the idea of re-initiating a relationship is not too likely, but at the very least you will have finally said all those things you wished you could have so long ago.

One of the best - and most tragic things that ever happened to me was when a girlfriend that cheated on me (multiple times while I was overseas in the military) finally called me 4-5 years later and cried and apologized. It was one of the most relieving things ever, because finally I got the closure I had always wanted. We only talked for about 5 minutes, but it was a huge weight off my chest.

(It was also tragic, because the biitch wife I had at the time demanded that I never speak to her again. Me being pussy whipped at the time, buckled and "lost" her number after that conversation.)

I have never spoke to her again, but I would give just about anything to talk to her again just to see how she is and where she has gone in life. I don't dream of this particular girl like I do the other one, (I never even said I loved this girl) but at the very least I finally was able to say what I had always wanted to.

"It's Ok. I forgive you."

[Pears]

Cybog, that was such a touching story. It should be in "Love Stories", kind of.

[shh!]

"It's Ok. I forgive you."

It is very hard - no, impossible - to imagine you saying this.

Gingersnaps - by something meaningful, I meant something along the lines of "soul food". You need not go to the extremes of Mother Teresa, but there is a lot you can do in that direction. I know it is less romantic than being swept off your feet by "true love", but it lasts longer, is good for the soul, and fills one with a sense of purpose. Besides, the more love you give, the more you will receive in return.

[gingersnaps]

Cybog -- that is so it!! I have been unable to get closure because he has not given me the opportunity to apologize. I sent an email a while ago that I am 99% sure he received asking him that if it was the correct email to email me back (even if it was to say "please do not contact me") but I did not get a reply. If I had, my apology would have been the next message... and of course there is the 1% chance he didn't get it. (perhaps even less than this, I have good reason to think he did.) Although I actually tried doing that about one year after this all happened too (he had a different email address then) and he also did not reply then. So I was not that surprised this time. Very disappointed anyway though. With all the years that passed I thought maybe it would be different for him now but it seems like it will not change.

So anyways, since I am not up for stalking and cornering him to blurt out what would probably, under such circumstances, be the most bizarre apology ever.... is there a way I can get closure that doesn't involve him? Because I don't think he's up for helping me out here......you would think that might make me feel less like his character is so awesome and help me move on, but actually just makes me feel more guilty that in 7 years he is not healed enough to handle any contact with me. Like I should just go out and buy my pitchfork now kinda thing.

shh! -- You are right, it is already an important part of my life though (about 10 hours a week volunteering)

[Hollow]

I totally empathize with you gingersnaps. I still have the exact same problem with my first girlfriend. We split up about 9 years ago and I still can't get full closure.

I sent a letter a few months ago. I know she got it, the post is very reliable. I just got everything off my chest in that letter. I was hoping she would reply and we could be friends because I hate animosity, but she didn't respond.

We live in the same small town. I know we'll bump into each other at one point and she will have to make a concentrated effort to ignore me. It's kinda sad really.

My advice is to have belief in yourself. Get whatever you want off your chest. Send it if you are bold enough and believe in yourself. I console myself in the knowledge that I am a more forgiving person than she is and it makes me feel better about it.

I am more relaxed now about her. I said what I had to say so it's closure in a sense. I didn't expect a reply although it would have been a nice thing for her to do.

Maybe some people just don't see the bigger picture about life.

[xwfuro]

the way you have to really look at it is, the worst thing that could happen is you dont get a response or if you do it may possibly not be the response you wanted, but i think like hollow said it will help really tension in your life because you will be able to come to the fact that you have done eveyrhting you could to salvage some sort of friendship with the person// or just a sense of knowing your both okay with one another.

-Hollow i also had that feeling in the pit of my stomach with an old girlfriend we lived in the same town and i hated seeing her somewhere it was just terrible even when i was with my new girlfriend it still hit home.