Depression, suicide, and my life

[HeyYouGuy]

Ok, I saw in the rant and raves post that someone mentioned suicide being an answer . I think that is some (excuse my French) ****d up shit to say. Suicide is not a laughing matter and if someone comes to the point of suicide as a prime thought then they must have some ****d up shit in there mind at the moment. I went through depression for a long time in my life until a month ago when I started to feel better because I met someone online who i helped that was having problems and inflicted pain upon themselves. Depression is not just some bs thing that people make up to feel special. When you have depression you never feel special. It tears you up inside because you think that nothing good will ever come to you and you don’t know why you exist.

Ill explain my life story and why i probly got depression.

From birth until age 10(almost 11) my mom was a drug user and was never there for me and only time she ever came out of her room was to run drugs to the other houses across the road. And when i was old enough to start watching my little sisters my brother (few years older then me) made me watch them saying that he would take the blame if my mom got mad, which there was never any blame because we never saw her. And if i said no he would leave any ways and I loved my sisters to much to want to leave them home alone. So i had no social life at all and the only time i got to be with my friends was when i was at school but i was always looked on as the outsider because my cloths were shitty and I didn’t look like i had a dime to my name. Ok ill tell you a kind of funny part to make u smile a little before i keep going. Our school even had a Halloween thing once..... do u know wut my mom made me wear while they all had cool costumes..... a army suit, clown shoes, and some colored hair...... she called is something like clown commando.... wtf.... i called it dumbshit to poor to buy me a real costume i looked like a ****en crazy ass person who didn’t know how to dress himself lol.

Any ways. Eventually my mom got caught and i went into a foster care program where there was about 30 kids. We weren’t allowed to leave by ourselves, we had set schedules we had to follow to exact detail, and this is the funniest time i ever had my whole life. There was a movie played every night, some free time, and a easy school (i consider myself to be smart). But all good things never last, or at least for me they didn’t. I was soon sent to a foster home where i was only given a single sheet to sleep with and didn’t have a working TV.

The only one that did was a wide screen in the living room but she said us foolish kids couldn’t touch it. I also was the only white male in a all black church.... someone turn off a light they’d kick my ass be like oh shit a ghost lol (btw not racists, just throwing some humor in). And even on Easter for example, she let all of her real blood family members hunt the eggs then when they were done, we got sent out there to see if any were left. Eventually i finally saw my social worker and i though... finally im saved i can tell him it all..... well allot of good that did me. He just so happened to be doing my mom right when she was having withdrawals (she was in a program to get off drugs and he was her transportation to places).

So the shit went on a bit longer. Eventually i was sent to live with my grandma and finally see my 2 sisters and brother again. But i never felt accepted there because of my past i didn’t have good people skills because i didn’t get to interact with people much and it was already middle of year so everyone had there friends. This lasted a few years until finally my mom finally got clean and we moved in with her back in the city of Fresno where i live now. And being here has not been any help because the city has a really high crime rate and all the friends i had before were moving away because none of there parents thought fresno was an appropriate city to raise them in.

So then depression kicked in and i suddenly started to get gloomy, my grades dropped to shit, my family was always busy and never stopped to see how i was. It got so bad to where out of no where i would feel like i couldn’t breath where i stood and i was gasping for air but i could never die. It's not just what you see around you only, its your mind. It makes your own eternal hell for you and holds you with a grasp that cant be shaken. Soon the thought of suicide came in and i wanted to do it so bad but the want to be loved was so strong that i couldn’t bring myself to do it. I hated myself even more because i didn’t have the balls to do it, i felt like i deserved to be loved at least once in my life.

One day in class i just ran from the room and to the bathroom and stood there in the stall with my whole body shaking. I couldn’t breath hardly and i felt like i had to end it, but the want to be loved came in again. So i remembered the announcement about school therapist, so i went to the room walking as quick as i could and told her everything. Eventually she called my mom and told her to come and we would group talk. That didn’t help me and it didn’t help even more when she told my mom to take me to the cope unit to have a test to see if i was insane and to make sure when she drives me that i was buckled and didn’t try to run.

The only made me feel more like shit and no i was not declared insane by the cope unit. But soon i started seeing a non school therapist who i recently finally got to stop seeing, and i didn’t like her any ways because she is one of those people who just acted like she was better then everyone. And so I got sent to a charter school also so I wouldn’t have as much stress on my mind and I was put on anti depressants that made me sane but took away my soul. When I took them I could never feel like myself. It was like looking through the eyes of my body but I couldn’t control anything.

Eventually after about 2 months of being soulless I was finally taken off the pills. Now I am sitting in this chair typing out all of this so that for a moment even I can make someone think that depression is a real thing and suicide is not some joke for a jackass to use to get a moments laugh. And it still hurts me deep because my family never looks at me the same and even just yesterday my brother was listening to a song about suicide and my mom gave me a weird look.

I am to the point in my life where I just decided a month ago to force myself to be strong and stop trying to hold onto the any pinch of love I can get. This is why while I love my family I can never feel as close as I would like to be. Not to say my mom is a bad person any more, she is 5 years clean now and in collage to be a substance abuse councilor.

So in conclusion I hope this clears up for any more assholes out there who want to crack on suicide or depression. Try to live a ****d up life and say that your mind will be ok. This shit is real and it will drive you insane until you break down and huddle in a corner wanting to be loved but not wanting anyone to come help you because your afraid someone else will mess up your life even more. Theirs allot more messed up shit in-between but I don’t want to be here all day so im done. I hope I at least opened one more persons eyes today, and if you think I am insane then go ahead and think that. It isn’t like you will be the only one. But im stronger because of my past, now I have higher morals and a higher understanding of what love should be because I have seen all it shouldn’t be.

Now someone congratulate me for making the longest damn post ever lol.

[HeyYouGuy]

Don’t get it twisted though, this has all bettered me in some way. For example now I have a good look on what love is and I wouldn’t hurt someone ever because I know how it feels and I would be happy even if a relationship ended because I was important enough to that person to at one time received some of there love. And also I have higher morals on sex and waiting because I have a whole life ahead of me to live.

First person to read all of that also gets a brownie becouse its over a page lol.

[Only-virgins]

Ok, I saw in the rant and raves post that someone mentioned suicide being an answer .

1.) That was me and 2.) No, I am not reading the rest of your post, can you shorten it to like 3 sentences?

PS: you made two fawking threads of the same thing.

Super PS: Suicide IS the answer to ALL problems. Rather thans solving the problem it avoids it all together...its solving it in my book.



I am depressed because my life sucks...not my life sucks because I am depressed. There is a difference.

[HeyYouGuy]

1.) That was me and 2.) No, I am not reading the rest of your post, can you shorten it to like 3 sentences?

PS: you made two fawking threads of the same thing.

Super PS: Suicide IS the answer to ALL problems. Rather thans solving hte problem it avoids it all together...its solving it in my boog.

You need to go show us then how you die becouse your fracken stupid, suicide is not a joke and i hope ur ass gets flamed to hell jerk. Ill stop here becouse your not worth me getting baned.

Im not gonna use my shit as a crutch either becouse as i stated it only made me stronger after i struggeld.

[Only-virgins]

You need to go show us then how you die becouse your fracken stupid, suicide is not a joke and i hope ur ass gets flamed to hell jerk. Ill stop here becouse your not worth me getting baned.

Im not gonna use my shit as a crutch either becouse as i stated it only made me stronger after i struggeld.

LoL, you must have not been here long enough. Don't worry, our mods won't kick you out for this, If anything Cybog might kick you out for trying to invent stupid new words like "fracken"(What ever the **** that means). No one is going to flame me for saying suicide is the answer, I have been saying that on this forum for a long time..no one cares...people here love me ...so shut up.

Nor do I care to imply anything about your situation, hell, I dont even know what it is since I did not read it lol. Just to let you know though, simply because you did not have the balls to kill yourself doesnt give you the right to redicule those that have(all though it doesnt matter). I am glad you "over came" your struggles but believe me...no one gives a shit.

PS: Funny thing how you start your post with a wise crack about me commiting suicide and than explain how it is not a joke. lol

[HeyYouGuy]

How do u figure it was wise crack? i jsut wanted to say that suicide at the time i felt was the ballsy way out. Nowdays i think its for people who cant take it in the real world. I dont belive in god so I think that there is nothing after life and thats what makes it perfect becouse thers nothing to be felt, lost or gaind. Also im not looking for sympithy of people i barely know. Just wanted to prove a point that suicide isnt the way to get stuff done. Becouse you will have forevor in heavin if thats your religion, but only a short time to live on earth. And i could realy care less if people here love you.... im sure that there all great people but i dont know them enuff to need there approval. Everyone bleeds and everyone has some story, i dont think mines better then anyone elses.

[Only-virgins]

I don't believe in god either so save the heaven BS, but I wish that god did exist and he could teach you some grammar. It is "enough" and not "enuff", normally I wouldn't care but for some reason that is really annoying because I know you do it on purpose. Explain to me (with out writing a book) how suicide(no after life) will not solve the problems and why anyone should care to live a life they don't want to live?

[HeyYouGuy]

Because usually if someone doesn’t want to live then they have some reason that can be dealt with. Like a chance to live, then if they don’t want to live then theirs nothing that can be done and no I don’t think a padded room is the correct thing to do. Also don’t make fun of my typos after spelling book boog. Life is something to enjoy, becouse you only get to have it once. If they cant find enjoyment no matter what then no i dont think there is help for them. But in all reality most people can be helpd.

[Only-virgins]

Because usually if someone doesn’t want to live then they have some reason that can be dealt with. Like a chance to live, then if they don’t want to live then theirs nothing that can be done and no I don’t think a padded room is the correct thing to do. Also don’t make fun of my typos after spelling book boog. Life is something to enjoy, becouse you only get to have it once. If they cant find enjoyment no matter what then no i dont think there is help for them. But in all reality most people can be helpd.

I spelled book as boog? funny...only your quote says that above, I fixed it while you were typing already.

LoL, I believe that I can say that all people who are serious about suicide do so because they are not finding enjoyment out of anything. What do you recommend for them? Suicide is just an option but never the less it is one.

[NeoSeminole]

wow, I thought I was the only person who condones suicide. It's good to see I'm not alone.

[Only-virgins]

Yea, its not hurting anyone. They say suicide is selfish and you know what..I agree..it is selfish of those who are living to want someone who is suffering to continue living so they do not suffer their loss. Ha, its the other way around than what people say.

[DutchBoY]

I'm pro suicide, only thing I'm against is the manner in which some people do it. I mean don't jump in front of a train or whatever. The fact that you want to die is fine with me, but don't **** up the life of some guy who's simply doing his job in the process. I don't think I can commit suicide, though it has crossed my mind a couple of times. I simply have too much to live for, though I may not always see it. There's plenty of time to be dead when the day comes. For now I just want to taste some more life.

[shh!]

HeyYouGuy - It was me that suggested that if this was the way OV really feels, then he should just get it over with. I apologize if you felt I was condoning suicide in general. I wouldn't tell anyone to do that if I thought they were seriously depressed. Just ignore OV - just about everything he says is meant to inflame people.

And yes, I think it IS selfish to commmit suicide. Then again, we have known more than one person to actually do it, and we have seen the aftermath, so it is with more than mere speculation that I have developed this opinion.

[Tone]

Suicide is for cowards.

[Converse]

Ugh I hate this topic, all I have to say is if you feel suicidal go seek help there is help out there! It does work IMO.