I did it but was it the right thing

[Name]

I went out with this girl for six years. We dated through our high school years and a couple of years after school. She was always a year behind me and when we first met she was actually still in middle school! She went to the community college for a couple of years and then she planned to move across state to finish getting her degree. I didn't want to be attached to someone that was a three hour drive away. We both decided that we should just call it quits and move on. It hurt badly. I was deeply in love with this girl and this whole thing really broke my heart. It really got to me and I ended up going to her house one day and causing a scene. I didn't want to let her go but she insisted so I got super-pissed and it all ended badly.

After the break-up I just went ape and started asking out every girl I was even remotely attracted to. I would go through a drive-thru and ask a girl for her number while she was handing me my fries.

So I dated around for 3-4 years and had both good and bad times. Then one day I was coming out of my house when my ex-girlfriends brother-in-law was driving down my street. He stopped and told me that I should get in touch with her. He gave me her number and told me to call her. I never would call her. I know better than that. Some nights I just sat there staring at that piece of paper wondering what it'd be like to talk to her again. It had been almost four years without a word and I never even saw her once in that time but I wasn't about to cave.

Finally, one night she called me. She said she had been waiting forever for me to call but I never would. We started tossing a couple of calls a week back and forth for like 6 months. We have lots in common. Then eventually we started hanging out. It didn't take long before she was all over me. We ended up having sex on like our 3rd time together. We then started spending a lot of time together. We were hugging and kissing like newlyweds or something but never once did we talk about a relationship.

Now in the last week or so I've been really starting to fall for her. I was starting to fall in love. Last night I went out and drank a few with some friends. I couldn't have a good time because this girl was really heavy on my mind. I didn't get too drunk but I drank enough to go home, call her and let her know how I felt. I told her that it's hard to be around her all the time without feeling something for her. I said it's really hard to have sex with her and sit on the couch and snuggle without wanting some good old-fashioned emotional attachment. I chose my words wisely and tried to convey my feelings as coolly as possible. She was very nonchalant about the whole thing. She said she understood but never once did she let on that she was the least interested in me in return. I did all of the talking. Wow. I got no emotion out of her at all. It turned awkward.

I can't be in a no strings attached relationship. Especially with her. It just leaves me wanting more. I'm not afraid of commitment. I'm 26 now and commitment is starting to sound like a good thing.

So that phone call ended with me telling her that we probably should just call it quits. I can't be around her without loving her and she doesn't seem to want the love. Now we may never talk again. I told her to talk to me if she ever sees me out and to not feel weird about it. All that and still not one emotion.

What sucks is that I already miss her. I'll never call her though. My only hope is that one day she starts to miss me and thinks of what I said. I just can't understand the way she acted about it all. Normally I'd just move on and be fine but this girl has been in my life for nearly half of my life. Is there anyone out there that might be able to tell me what she may be feeling? I certainly can't get it out of her. Why did she insist on coming back in my life? Why did she call me every day? Why did she want to spend so much time with me? Why did she kiss me so passionately? -This girl that I even tried to avoid to begin with! She wants nothing to do with a relationship. It makes no sense.

Ahhh, romance... ain't it fun.

[MVPlaya]

Hey Name (so original - its devious),

The first caveat I have for any guy when going out with a girl is to develop NO EMOTIONS!!! I'm not saying never love her, but I'm saying keep yourself in check to make sure she'll love you back before she breaks your heart. Now, it sounds like you and this girl have some baggage so I can understand if its harder for you not to fall for her. But its equally important. What you need to know is that when you go out with chicks, you want to have self-restraint and play a little hard to get, a lot of time, chicks just like to play games (chicks can be worse players than guys). This way, you show to the chick that you're a challenge so her job in unfinished. When you show her that you are attracted to her and you want to be with her what happens is something inside her says, "Oh, I have him, what's the point." By giving in you ruin the mystique that is YOU. This is a fatal flaw and too many guys make it. Now, you're goal ain't playing her, you want a relationship. First off, don't go around thinking you WANT commitment because commitment is based around LOVE and LOVE is the first mistake most guys make on their path to commitment. So have self-restraint, the longer you let the chase last (the amount of time she devotes to playing you) the more time there is for emotions inside her to develop for you. By doing this, you break from the mold of guys their used to playing and show you are a catch, THIS MAKES HER TAKE YOU SERIOUS. Thus, when you want to start a real relationship they become open to it. Despite the baggage, I think this girl just wanted some casual fun. She was probably attracted to you but by forming attraction to her so quickly she lost interest. Its important to keep her interest peaked. For the first month or two, its interest that really fuels the attraction, only after that time does attraction stand on its own, so your goal should be to have her interested long enough to begin to form a stronger attraction to you.

[Name]

What you're saying makes a lot of sense MVPlaya. I did play the game though. I spent plenty of time with her but then sometimes I'd tell her I'd call her and then purposely did not just for intrigue. One day I might tell her everything I did the night before and the next day I'd tell her that I hung out with a friend. I don't think I was ever the first to call her on any day. I was nice to her but occasionally I'd pull a badboy and show up at her house buzzed at 2 in the morning.

She likes that badboy stuff. The first time I had sex with her was at 5 in the morning after I went bar hopping all night.

That stuff lasted for almost a year and a half. I just got tired of it. I seriously do care for her deeply and I wanted to finally let her know so maybe we could make something out of it.

Getting all of this stuff out kinda put it in perspective. I think I just need to forget it and let it go. There's other fish in the sea. I think it's about time I baited up.

[MVPlaya]

Originally posted by Name
Getting all of this stuff out kinda put it in perspective. I think I just need to forget it and let it go. There's other fish in the sea. I think it's about time I baited up.

There you go!

Seeing this can be so damn hard for guys, by just being able to utter this you are one step ahead of the game. GJ and good luck!

MVPlaya

[Genotype]

Hi Name,

I read your post and the subsequent replies and I just have to say this: I feel for you man!

I was in a similar situation....actually it was nearly identical Hmmmm....maybe we were dating the same girl Just joking.

Seriously though, I was in a similar situation. All I can say now is that I am engaged to be married and never looked back on the other "girl".

EVERYONE has the right to be happy. EVERYONE has the right to find a person who you love and who loves you in return. To find someone who you care about so much but get absolutely no emotional response...is heartbreaking.

Maybe she will call you one day and want you back. Maybe. But don't count on it. Move on. Live your life. You are better than that.

Ironically my fiance and I met when the other "girl" and I went our separate ways.

Keep in touch.

[Name]

It's good to hear from someone else who can relate so closely. I agree with you Genotype, I think it would be in my best interest to move on.

We just were so damn close. We practically grew up together. She loved me sooo much before. It just doesn't make sense.

I guess she's changed more than I have or maybe she's just scared. I dunno.

I'm glad to see that your story had a happy ending. Maybe mine will too.

Thanks.

[Genotype]

Hi Name,

Just a word on"Moving On". I apologise if you have heard this before.

The best way to move on and the way I moved on with the other "girl" was to take a hobby. Now I don't mean playing chess or stamp collecting. I mean something that you always wanted to do but never got the opportunity to. Use this time to better youreself...not for "her" or for "girls" but for YOU. For example, after my breakup I decided to go to the gym (I was a skinny bugger - and still am...but healthier) and exercise. I now have more muscle mass, fitter and happier. I took rock climbing, bungee jumping, I did volunteer work at several homeless shelters (seriously!). I did all of these things and more until I got bored. At the end of the day I learnt a few new things, got some stuff to put on my CV ( ) and was fitter and happier.

This is much better than drinking beer or sleeping around with women who you don't know? Don't you think?

Keep Smiling!

PS. Only do things that you want to do. If you hate bungee jumping...then don't do it. I guess I just trying to find an alternative to "drinking and getting drunk" or "going on a sex romp"

PSS. I love the similies on this board

[jane]

Originally posted by Genotype

EVERYONE has the right to be happy. EVERYONE has the right to find a person who you love and who loves you in return. To find someone who you care about so much but get absolutely no emotional response...is heartbreaking.

That is so true, and I know it sucks all to well.

I wish you the best of luck because your post sounds very heart felt. i know that moving on is tough. I am doing it too, but the brighter side is out there! Keep looking!