Can friends be more than friends?

[halis123456789]

Background: I am 24 years old and I have never been married, although I have had two long-term relationships.

I have been best friends with a girl for about three years now and my feelings have grown so strong that I want more. I recently told her how I felt and she made it clear that she didn't feel the same.

Now I am not talking to her, I find it too hard to be around her, if not emasculating. She is turning her jets on me though, she is calling every day, emailing, and yeterday she showed up at my apartment fall down drunk, telling me how much she missed me. (No, she wasn't driving, her cousin brought her.)

I don't know what to do, I love this girl so much, I feel like I would do anything for her, but being her friend seems impossible now. I feel like being arond her is only going to make me cling to the hope that she will change her mind about me.

I just wanted to know what people thought, should I just move on?

[King Zarathu]

This is very common. Upon rejection, they become all over you. Seems like she enjoys the fact that somebody likes her, etc, etc, etc... This has been answered in other posts.

<sarcasm>Did you take advantage of the fact that she was drunk?</sarcasm>

[anakin8823]

Interesting... although I am younger (18), something extremely similar is happening to me. Same situation with the friend, and now I'm avoiding her and she's all like "you never talk to me anymore, etc". Only difference is that we go to different colleges next year and won't see each other often. Anyways, let me know if you figure out what to do so I can mimick you... I'll be thinking about it also.

[vashti]

I think you should tell her plainly that you are not interested in being her friend, and she should stop calling/contacting you unless she decides she is interested in you. I know it sounds harsh, but your first obligation is to yourself, and you need to protect your own interests. It is awfully hard to move on when the girl won't let you. (Frankly, I find her behavior rather selfish.)

Good luck.

[dreamer101]

Yes, be cold. Look after your own interest and your own safety. It may be hard to see her go through this, but she is not going to give a dam about you when she is not single anymore, and that is a bad bad position to be in. She should understand this and let you go.

All the best.

[halis123456789]

Thanks everyone, I do appreciate the advice.

The update:

I have continued to apply the same strategy. Not talking to her. I could say that's it's so I can move on, that's what I've been saying anyway, but it feels like I'm really just trying to make a power play to GET this girl. It's gonna get me burned...

Anyway, yes I do think her behavior is very selfish. I also agree with the idea that once she hooks up with someone else, I'm gonna be out in the cold.

She did it again. Showed up at my apartment tonight, sober this time. I had another girl inside, so I stepped out to talk to her.

It's funny how curious she was about who was inside..I basically told her that I didn't want to see her anymore, didn't want her to call me. She straight up wouldn't hear it.

She is the most stubborn woman I have ever met.

More background (how big a factor is this?): About four years ago, we were actually involved romantically, making out and etc.. And right while the whole thing was getting started, I went out, got drunk, and got it on with someone else, which she found out about the next day.

It was a long time ago, and I apologized sincerely face-to-face about two years ago, but man I dunno...

After that, later, we became really good friends. So it's not a simple problem at all. Me and this chick already have history, baggage, whatever you want to call it.

So I had someone else inside, so to get her to leave (she refused) I said when she calls tomorrow I promised to pick up.

My word is good, I'll pick it up, but what should I relate to her in the conversation, and how should I continue?

[halis123456789]

These are the moments that really matter, so don't hold back.

My thoughts are that I should continue on this course and become even more adamant that me and her are either going to (not to put to fine a point on it) FU** and live happily ever after, or nothing at all.

[rachy]

i was in a similar situation a couple of years ago, but from the other side. my best friend on earth revealed he had feelings for me, but when i didnt feel the same way he cut of all contact to me. i was devastated. not because i fancied him or because i liked the fact he fancied me etc, but because he was my best friend and id suddenly lost him, so i made every effort to get him back, similar to what this girl is doing to you. and it is really selfish but im sure the feeling of loss can sometimes overwhelm that. i finally manages to speak to him and he explained to me how upset he was and that he couldnt be around me because he needed to move on and he couldnt while he was still around me. and that if i cared about him as much as i said i did i would leave him alone so he could move on and be happy. when i finally realised this i left him alone. from what i hear he is now much happier and that makes me happy to hear it.
if you explain it to the girl in this manner, and she really does respect you, she will leave you alone.
if she still doesnt, then youve just gotta be harsh to her.

[Gigabitch]

Case in point: THIS is why men and women can't be friends.

[MasonScheer]

Ok, im 17 years old and still in high school, sure my take is probly different than yours since i see this girl everyday, but just hear me out. Today is a day after i went to Prom with a girl that i absolutely adore. She was always there but after a winter dance in february it changed. We danced a 3 times and that turned my perspective on things. That night i was actually with another girl but she kinda ditched me, im happy about that now but i was kinda depressed. She helped me out, ive had feeling for her ever since. She made it somewhat clear that she would go to the prom with me, but because we are good friends, nothing else. Ive thought for a month that i could maybe change that view but i didnt. That leaves me in a dilema kind of like yours. Are you really sure that you would want to completely break off contact with this person just because they arent interested in you? It can be very depressing at times, but can you say you rather just take her out. I love having this girl just there to talk to, being my friend. I might have the illusion that love can exist there but i think that illusion is okay as long as it makes you feel good. At the very least you could be clingy to her, and if you truely want to drive her away then youll do it like that, or you will win her over, i would hope. I could be wrong tho, as i often am. Good luck though figuring out your situation, i think its a hard thing to work through and it is rather painful

[greeneyedgirl23]

I agree with the post about men and women not being able to be FRIENDS....I have guys that are like my brothers, but my "best friend" (guy) and I are in one hell of a mess.........AAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!!! Sticky situation, I feel for you...

[joe1234]

im having the same problem....cheers m8

[halis123456789]

Well, she called on Saturday, trying to feel me out, but I was firm that nothing had changed and that I needed her to stop calling me. She finally gave in and said she wouldn't bother me anymore, then hung up on me. Kind of hurts, kind of sucks, even though I got what I wanted, but I feel like I just have to suck it up. This is the only way out of this situation that I can see. I'm the best man at a wedding this weekend, and I'll see her there, so that should be...terrific.

If it helps anyone, my brother gave me some advice that seemed to be helpful: "F**k it."

[vashti]

Good luck to you. YOu'll be as good as new after some time has passed. Just be sure to engage yourself in living.

[loss]

wow sounds like she is stringing you along man...