I can't stop being jealous!

[Pinkpvc]

Hi there, this is my first post on the forum

I have been with my boyfriend for two years now, i love him very much. But the problem (and what has been the problem in all previous relationships) is i'm jealous of everyone!
His best friend is a girl,she's very pretty and works as an exotic dancer. *JEALOUS*

His ex was the first girl he was in love with, i found out she has been texting him to ask him to meet up for a drink. He didn't tell me until after the day they were supposed to go (he decided not to). *jealous*

One of his ex's threw herself at him when he was clubbing!another met up with him after we started going out and asked him to go out with her (
she still hangs around at his as she is friends with his friends) *jealous*

You see i just can't bear these, and a lot more, women hanging around him

In perspective he has many female friends which i trust and am not jealous of.
How can i control my jealousy for the others?!? i'm gettng desperate as we had a huge argument and he said he feels like i suffocate him by trying to stop him seeing his ex's.

Thankyou

[King Zarathu]

Is your jealousy towards the ex's only? Ask yourself (and then tell me), what pattern is there in the girls that you feel jealous towards, and what pattern is there in the girls you don't feel jealous towards?

Is it the girls you don't trust or your boyfriend?

(By the way, feeling jealous is normal)

[vashti]

I don't know if you should be jealous or not, but I think if a man genuinely loves you above all others, he will usually make the effort to avoid situations that would cause you such emotional distress. Do you feel that this is the case, or is he just annoyed by your insecurity? Has he cheated on you?

I guess I would be more concerned about how he reacts to all this attention than I would be about girls throwing themselves at him. Some guys can handle it and others can't. How does he react to it all?

[Pinkpvc]

I guess it's him i don't trust. I can't trust any guy now, every relationship i have been in has ended in them leaving me for someone else or cheating on me. Deep down i know he is different, but i can't shake off the feeling.

He has never cheated on me, and he feels strongly against cheating.
I think he is a little naive about the girls and seems to make excuses like "she was feeling a bit depressed" or "she just split up with her boyfriend"

If i found out he had feelings for another girl, it may even be worse than finding out that he cheated. People can cheat without having feelings for the person they cheat with! the hard bit is you can't read peoples minds and emotions.

I have always had low self esteem, and it seems all of his ex's were what he described as his "type" petite and black haired. Whereas i am tall and "curvy" to put i nicely, blonde.

I feel like i can't match up to them

[vashti]

I think extreme jealousy is common with younger women, and usually it is outgrown if you have a decent man by your side.

Since you say that this is YOUR issue, and that he is trustworthy, I think it is best to try and keep these negative feelings to yourself, or you will risk alienating him. You will continue to experience jealousy, but you can keep it to yourself for the most part (unless his behavior is excessive). The more experience you have trying to ignore these negative feelings, the more natural it becomes.

Simultaneously, you can try to work through these issues with some sort of a therapist if you feel it is necessary, and you should definitely work on doing things that will make you proud of yourself to boost your self esteem (volunteer work of some sort, seek higher education, start a new hobby, something like that).

[bluesummer]

I agree with Vashti to a point.

But there is a flip side to this.......I find guys with too many close girl 'friends' are often far too close to these 'friends' than they ought to be...and it always isn't so innocent.

The one thing I can also say with certainty is to trust your gut instinct about a person, because it's almost always right. I trusted my first bf implicitly, because deep down I felt good about the fact that he was honest and trustworthy. My most recent bf, I had a nagging feeling about him from the start which I ignored.....and it turns out I should've listened to it right from day one. He had lots of girl 'friends' he partied with and spent time alone with, girl 'friends' he admitted had crushes on him although he felt 'nothing' for them. All lies.

Try to determine if the feelings you have are indeed jealousy, or if you just truly doubt his integrity. If you can honestly say from the bottom of your heart that you know he is an honest guy with good intentions, then the problem lies with you and your insecurity. But if it's actually his character that you find suspect, don't ignore that.

[vashti]

I agree with you, bluesummer, as I usually do.

[bluesummer]

Well, aren't we just the agreeable lot? Lol.